Eli: Hi all. How did it go? Tell us all about the retreat. Carrie, you were there too. You mentioned you have put together an eyewitness review of the workshop. Please give us the link to this article, and a brief overview of what you wrote.

Carrie: Hi Eli! Wow, summarizing that article is hard…In a nutshell, Nouk and Stacy’s retreat workshop blew my mind and rearranged my soul. The information they’re teaching (while firmly based in A Course in Miracles) is also radically new, and off-the-charts powerful. At least it was for me! The article explains in detail why this workshop series is different from anything that’s been done before.

The full text of my ‘eyewitness report’ is on my website, under the title THE TRUTH WITHIN THE TRUTH. http://www.carrietriffet.com/audio.php. An audio version is in the same spot, if anybody prefers to listen rather than read. As you can tell, I’m very excited about the whole thing. This workshop was a life changer for me, and it’s just the beginning.

Stacy: Hi Eli, Carrie and Nouk, thanks for the invitation to join. I look forward to some fun, open and stimulating conversations heart to heart.

Nouk: Well it’s great to be back with you all. I wonder where this conversation will end up taking us…I can’t wait.

As Carrie explains in her article, my breakthrough in the aftermath of Tomas leaving physical form and the subsequent transmissions that made themselves known (still going), are the backbone of these teachings.

Early this year, I was shown a short-cut to blowing through perhaps years or even life-times of ego resistance. All our suffering is caused by our lack of trust in God’s Love as being the only Power – having no opposite. Most still believe in the ego’s world, i.e. sickness, aging, deprivation, scarcity, loss, conflict, pain and death. We say we believe in God’s Love and yet we also believe in pain, loss and death. Jesus’ message is uncompromising.

He begins in the Course’s introduction by telling us this: “NOTHING REAL CAN BE THREATENED. NOTHING UNREAL EXISTS. HEREIN LIES THE PEACE OF GOD.” God’s Love is all-encompassing. It has no opposite. Yet…what in hell do we seem to encounter on a daily basis here in the dream?

When we still believe in suffering, while we’re invested in protecting ourselves from a power other than God…we are convincing ourselves that there IS a power other than God. And we cannot forgive something that we still believe is real; that we have assigned power over us.

Our independent will, our false self, is very powerful. Do not underestimate its projective potential. It made this world, this universe and all the seeming laws that govern it. Its central law, the one that is the most (unconsciously) coveted, the ego’s most valued attraction, and the last to be overcome, is death. Death is the opposite of Life, Love, and God.

Awakening calls for the development of trust in God. But – as I recognized after Tomas passed – we really don’t trust God, because of this deep fear of Love. Again, it’s all unconscious, until we dare to exhume our fears. One of the most helpful shortcuts to undoing the ego, is an exercise that was gifted me from Spirit recently. We look at all our conscious beliefs about God, which are usually loving. And then we unearth our unconscious beliefs about God – and they’re pretty terrifying, to say the least!

This shortcut is amazingly powerful in demonstrating the immense unconscious split in our mind. It shows us exactly why we don’t trust God (Love) implicitly, and why we choose our independent ego self to problem-solve and make decisions, instead of trusting Spirit.

Finally, with the unconscious ‘god of terror and death’ EXPOSED in the full light of day, as the imposter it is…we can open our hearts to receive. We’re open now to be shown intimately, how to Love our self as God Loves us…unimpeded by fear. And shock of shocks…the body (yes…the body) happens to be a very necessary part of this process that Jesus calls us to embrace.

There’s been a lot of body-denial in the Course community; a common misunderstanding; and it’s something I suffered from for a long time. While the body is not ‘who’ we are, it is IN the body that we awaken from the dream of death (the ego). The body is the means through which we awaken to our Holy Self.

So, to cut to the chase, in this deepening of Jesus’ teachings…He is calling us out of death’s dream. He tells us that our ‘will’ is tremendously powerful and that in Christ, we can overcome the ego’s dream of separation, deprivation and suffering. By choosing His Will (which is really our own true Will) and undoing the ego thought system through forgiveness, we claim dominion over all the ego made to attack us, and to keep us separate from the Love that we are.

Stacy: Some of what we devoted ourselves to during the workshop was the process of embodiment, and understanding what is meant by that.

The Course says, your body can be used to help you enlarge your perception to achieve real vision, of which the physical eye is incapable. Learning to do this is the body’s only true usefulness.

Within each of us lies a central column of primordial essence/light. This vertical channel is the bridge between Heaven and Earth within time/space – within this world, this universe, in other words. This vertical access is what Jesus was referring to when he said “No man cometh unto the Father but by me,”through a living example of forgivness”. He is referring to our alignment with source, as it appears in time/space. He goes on to say:

“This does not mean that I am in any way separate or different from you except in time, and time does not really exist. The statement is more meaningful in terms of a vertical rather than horizontal axis. You stand below me and I stand below God. In the process of “rising up” I am higher because without me the distance between God and man would be too great for you to encompass. I bridge the distance as an elder brother to you on the one hand and as a Son of God on another.”

The essence of Love is to know thyself. This deep union with oneself cannot be achieved within the mental realm. Only the heart knows how to birth consciousness, and when we choose the heart rather than the head, we live within our pure potential.

That is why when Jesus says that “the kingdom is within,” he is saying the true access point is the heart, in natural alignment with the vertical channel. When we realize this, we automatically orient our awareness within, and away from the horizontal illusory world. It is in this way that we begin to use our body to enlarge our perception; Christ vision deepens, and in the present moment, we ground who we know ourselves to be.

When you begin to experience this vertical alignment within the body, you will also notice a natural centering that takes place. Embodiment is a gentle, loving process. As the mind learns to rest in the body without judgment, Love dissolves all blocks, and your consciousness expands again to hold more of the infinite truth of who you are.

You begin to rest within Life, rather than resist it. Because in truth, Life is within. And when you know this, you look out upon the world with new eyes – Christ vision is anchored through the heart, and you become deeply known to yourself. With this inner mastery, perception is refined as wisdom becomes knowledge.

From this place you effect change as change is. When the dream sees it is being watched by the One who sees, it will reflect the truth. In reality what you see is Truth manifesting as Life everywhere, Christ Vision.

None of this means a hill of beans until you have had the direct experience of it. A key aspect of the workshop was to experience directly, as a group, embodiment through the central column. And we experienced, through gentle awareness and meditation, how we can directly understand the teachings through the heart, rather than at any theoretical level. This is true alchemy. This is evolving essence, and this brings Heaven to Earth.

Eli: Here’s a picture of the three of you. It’s lovely to look at and soak up the serenity. The word “trust” you mention, Nouk and Stacy, is so commonplace. Interestingly it is not a word we associate with God. We usually say faith, which has a different “feel” to it. That’s the word I would use to describe the changes in Carrie’s “tone” I’ve felt since she returned from the retreat.

Carrie: YES! That’s it exactly, Eli! Thank you. A newfound trust in God is what I came away with, from the retreat. And while that may sound like a nice enough concept, to put one’s trust in God for all aspects of day-to-day living, the actual experience of it is so much more wonderful than that. The safety, the relief…the feeling of being surrounded by gentleness. The realization I don’t have to try to control everything by myself anymore. (Not that I ever could!) I owe it all to this workshop.

And actual trust in God (as opposed to slogans printed on coins) is extremely rare in this world. I’ll leave it to Nouk and Stacy to explain more about this.

Stacy: Where truth is, you will find faith. They go hand in hand. When one has realized truth, faith naturally deepens. You could say faith is a maturing of trust. They both serve the purpose of opening to truth.

I would go a little farther, and say that where truth has been embodied, an unshakable faith resides. That faith becomes a knowing of truth. The goal is always truth. Trust, faith and truth. What we trust in builds the foundation for our deeper faith, and that faith is what ultimately sees the truth. I can trust you, but when I have faith in you I know absolutely. Faith and holiness, as the Course says, go hand in hand.

The deepening of faith is a sure sign you are ‘becoming’ what you ‘know’ to be true. Maybe what you noticed in Carrie was this embodiment of faith. It is palpable with people; when it is stable and grounded, it radiates and we can feel that.

Carrie: Really good point, Stacy. There’s faith (which is built on a solid foundation of trust and living, breathing personal experience)…and then there’s blind faith, which is built on nothing much at all. Real faith, actual faith, has a rock solid quality because you have lived the experience yourself. You’re not taking anyone’s second hand word for it. So when the crap hits the fan, as it surely will at one time or another in one’s life, real faith and trust provide not just an anchor, but a springboard into greater freedom. Whereas blind faith crumbles instantly, when pressure of any kind is placed on it.

Stacy: Yes Carrie that’s it! When truth is anchored, it is an entirely different experience. That is what is meant when we talk about the Living Christ. Truth becomes a live experience within. No longer conceptual, but rooted in the heart. When old paradigms die and fall away, as so many did during the workshop, a great space opens in which truth is known. We accept what we can at the time – and if it is not a fleeting acceptance, we manage to ground it directly into our physical reality. Which is what you did.

Nouk: Sure Carrie, what a relief! Transferring our trust (and faith) from our personal self and the world, over to God’s all encompassing Loving Will – is a monumental relief! And that kind of transfer of trust doesn’t happen without a total conscious and unconscious review of our fear of God.
Because in that fear, we are terrified that great LOSS and mega SACRIFICE will be required of us. What will happen to ‘me’, to ‘my’ own will, to ‘my’ special identity and ‘my’ own little world…if I acquiesce to God’s Will? Well, if we let the ego answer that question, the answer will be certain devastation. That’s all the ego knows. It has no idea of God’s Nature… nor of God’s Will.

The ego projects an image of ’God,’ which has all the dualistic attributes of the ego. And let’s face it – the ego is FEAR itself. To the ego, God is purely a bigger and more powerful ego, certain to teach us all about humility by ripping every shred of earthly security away from us. The ego’s god has plans for us: that we only learn through suffering; and that true humility is acquired only when we lose everything, roaming around our community in a lap-lap, with a begging bowl.

No wonder we don’t trust God’s Will implicitly! We can’t, until we exhume the unconscious bogus image of god, that the ego hides from our awareness. Once we’ve dared to exhume the dead carcass of the ego’s god, and hurled it off our unconscious inner altar (forgiveness to the max) …then, just watch the Joy that comes rushing in to take its place!

Now we’re open to having the old concept of God thoroughly reinterpreted beyond our wildest imaginings. And with this reinterpretation, comes the awesome alchemical healing of our own SELF-CONCEPT. This is the undoing of guilt; the undoing of our secret shame and unconscious self-hatred. Relief is an understatement…

And Stacy. Yes. From my experience…true faith is the maturing of trust in God’s Will alone as my true Will. I ‘know’ now, and all my actions are inspired from this certainty. I finally recognize that giving not some, but ALL my problems up to be reinterpreted by Holy Spirit – is literally reversing not some, but ALL effects of the ego. Hooray for Faith!

Eli: Mammamia! I’ve got three inspired gals on the line with me. Thank you all. Let’s get into some examples. Trust, Faith, Truth, Love. What does that exceptional transformation look like?

Stacy: What does transformation look like? I like that question Eli.

Resist nothing. Nature is such a profound example of this truth. It allows for everything, every element, every disaster, drought, hurricane. And in all that allowing, it continuously transforms and comes back from the brink. We are like that, I believe. The less we resist, the more capacity we find we have. We come to trust the very invulnerable nature of our own vulnerability. Our safety lies in our defenselessness, as Jesus says.

Without defense we transform, and when we get to the core of our defense, the fire of transformation is all we long for. What would happen if you were given the choice to look upon your deepest fear, your most sacred defense, your most cherished idol, along with Holy Spirit? and if, at last, you let go of that defense…what transformation would take place in you?

Without that defense, you would know thyself/know Love in unfathomable ways. We cannot know God without knowing ourselves. We cannot transform, unless we are willing to meet ourselves face to face. We cannot meet face to face, without knowing our deepest hidden beliefs. When you bring forth that hidden belief system from within you, then that will save you. If you do not bring it forth into the light, then that will kill you.

Right from the horse’s mouth!

Carrie: Thank you Stacy, for verbalizing this information so perfectly. This is it. This is what I’ve been so hungry for, and since the workshop I feel like I’ve found a whole incredible feast to enjoy.

It took me a very long time with plenty of foot-dragging on my part, but now I’m totally ready for this business of meeting myself face to face. It’s no longer daunting or scary, and there’s nothing appealing now, about hanging onto darkness and defenses. And having so recently come to embrace this path of transformation, this decision to bring all my own unconscious darkness to light… it has finally become impossible to choose any other seemingly “slower/gentler” way forward.

Total transformation is where it’s at. The sooner the better. And as I willingly embrace this path of transformation, I realize “slower/gentler” was just my ego’s excuse to prolong its reign. There’s nothing gentler about taking it slower!

Stacy: No kidding, Carrie! Hallelujah! …I used to be afraid of meeting myself, because somewhere deep down inside, I still believed I went there alone. And I would start to fall asleep whenever I got close to something the ego did not want to see. Eventually I caught on, and fought the fogginess that would come.

And from then on, that defense was neutralized! A free ride all the way in, and all other defenses began to be quickly recognized because the main one had been seen through.
Then it was a matter of: just how deeply did I want to know myself? That’s still ongoing, happy to say. Love is limitless!!

Everything we experienced in the workshop was designed to navigate towards our greatest defense/fear: and that is Death. This is a message of love not fear and a teaching most are not ready to hear. Knowing this is what it’s about, do you fold up shop and fade off into the distance? Or do you stand in your core and follow what you are being shown? Touching a subject so ironclad as Death is not for the faint of heart. And yet the heart knows this eternal truth, beyond what time or ‘mortality’ can touch.

Carrie: I found there was an immediate recognition, and a feeling of relief, when the two of you illustrated how death is the central fear we set up all our defenses against. A relief, like: ahhh, at last! We’re all turning to look at the unnamed elephant in the room, and discovering what it is! Not like that ‘elephant’ was ever mysterious in its size or shape. (If pressed, we all would admit to tap dancing hard to keep death at bay.) But it wasn’t so obvious until you pointed it out, just how central to our very core that unacknowledged fear is.

We all do such a sad job of ‘elephant management.’ God knows, it’s not like fear of death goes away if we ignore it or tap dance hard enough. Quite the contrary! As long as we’re all only stealing glances at it out of the corner of our eye, that unacknowledged elephant can seem even bigger and scarier. But personally, I was thrilled to not only acknowledge, but begin to examine and dismantle the ‘elephant.’

Stacy: Jesus asks that we just sit with this message within. Watch what deeply encased unconscious beliefs, feelings and fear rise to the surface, when the idea of ‘no death’ is invited to exist in time/space.

We are being asked to introduce a topic that is at once frightening, blasphemous and ludicrous for most people. Even for us (Stacy and Nouk), there are challenges within it all, and resistance to the message. Yet the commitment to see this through, is beyond the personalities of Nouk and Stacy.

When we look at this most protected belief and cherished idol of mankind, and are asked to be open to seeing another way, it seems easy at first; not so difficult; …sure, I can do that. But then we are asked to look deeper – and when we do that, we might glimpse the truth, and that truth will turn everything upside down…end the game, so to speak. At that point, usually the fear will turn in on itself. And then any attempt at opening the mind to accept this deeper truth, will be forfeited in favor of deeper sleep.

Carrie: Yep, I hear that. Slipping off into deeper sleep (when gazing upon the deepest core defenses) is a constant temptation, even for somebody who’s hungry for awakening. I find I often have to ask for Help in staying with it.

Stacy: That life should end in fear, pain, disease and confusion is not the Will of Love. In truth, there is no death. Watch the desire of the ego to make this teaching about immortality in the body. It is not. Fear/ego will want to take this position, for it is a way to circumvent your inherent Power. It will use it to reclaim your fear of death. Because your fear of death is so strong, you desire immortality as a way to run from the idea of death.

Immortality in a body is not what Power of Power is about. Rather, it is about claiming mastery over all that you have made. In doing so there is only Life, and the expressions of that Life are in accordance with Divine Will. The idea of immortality in a body will close the opening. Immortality is a human notion, and an attempt as a means to an end. There is no end.

‘No death’ and ‘immortality’ are not the same things. Through your Power of Power, you have the ability to come and go from time /space as you will, in accordance with Divine Will, which you are. When you know this in your heart, the resurrection is at once understood.

Carrie: For me, this is the most startling thing of all, about this teaching you and Nouk have brought forth: It’s absolutely ‘put up or shut up’ time. The Course says our true nature is Christ. That means we have within ourselves the power to heal the sick. Raise the dead. Walk on water. Move mountains, both literal and figurative. To quote the Course, “Miracles enable you to heal the sick and raise the dead because you made sickness and death yourself, and can therefore abolish both.”

To most of us, these are just beautiful ideas – lyrical poetry about our true nature, but nothing we need aspire to in any serious way. Too big, too scary, too fantastical. No way we could be that powerful, or that responsible. But these new-paradigm teachings demand that we take the words of the Course absolutely literally. And I say, hooray! It’s about time.

Anyway… Maybe we should pause here and ask Mary Beth for her impressions of the workshop and these recent teachings of Nouk & Stacy’s?

Mary Beth: Thank you all for this invitation, but more importantly for your teachings. As I have said to Nouk and Stacy, (but feel it’s good to repeat here) one of the many things I came home with is how everything is a lesson, an invitation to inquiry. There are different teaching styles, and always different ways in which we are presented with the choice for truth, and each one is so precious!

The retreat offered so much clarification for me. The denial of the body has been a struggle for me, as I’ve always put such great trust in my ability to go to the body for truth. The teachings of the retreat gave me “permission” to return that trust to the body, and when I did that everything opened.

I love the word “exhume,” as Nouk used it. I visualize myself digging deep to find these defenses. The exercise we did of listing defenses was so powerful, especially when we got to the “positive” ones.

I am getting glimpses of the ego’s slyness, its ability to turn me around. But as I dig deep, I find it dissipates and then love comes in and I feel so light!

And then Carrie, as you said, there is nothing appealing about hanging on to the defense.
The retreat offered me a space to be with the Course’s words. “When you awake in Him you will know His magnitude, accepting His limitlessness as yours.” That line used to make me want to vomit in terror, but now it offers me a glimpse of what true Love can do.

Much like what Stacy refers to as Power of Power. I got to touch that place, although briefly, it was, it is, there inside. And the atmosphere, the Love expressed by so many, together with the teaching all helped me reach it. It was as much about being in the space of Love, as it was hearing the words.

The clarification of death was so helpful. I had no idea how the idea of being in the peace of God after death was embedded in my thoughts, way down deep. And it wasn’t until you all said it, so clearly, that the belief exposed itself. There were so many of those “ah-ha” moments. I am so very grateful!

At this point Nouk and Stacy were away from their computers for a week and the conversation is on pause.

Eli: Welcome back. Whenever you’re ready, let’s continue.

Nouk: I’d be happy to continue with the discussion.

These deeper teachings of Jesus are quite shocking, even to longtime Course students. We’re exposing the biggest of all unconscious idols since the beginning of time: Death. Death is commonly believed to be the ONE thing that we’re absolutely sure of in life. It’s deemed a NATURAL part of life. And…it’s the ONE outcome that we EXPECT. As far as our most cherished value and idol – death beats God’s Love hands down.

Yet death AND God’s Love cannot both be real. Only one is real. As long as we maintain both as having reality, we are in terrible turmoil and fear. Disease is another idol. We believe it’s a “natural” part of life…which is extreme delusion. We have no idea that we made disease and death in a supreme effort to convince ourselves that we are POWERLESS, and separate from our Creator.

If we keep ourselves asleep and powerless, we effectively reject God’s Love as our holy Self. Jesus’ message is for us to wake up to the fact that we made all this suffering to attack ourselves, and to separate from God’s all-encompassing Love. He’s released A Course in Miracles into the world as a major wake-up call. He’s asking us to acknowledge what we MADE to attack ourselves, and to keep us asleep. And he’s giving us the principles by which to take back our power and to UNMAKE all that keeps us dreaming a dream of suffering and death.

Oh…and he’s also telling us that we do this by using the body to overcome the body. A good many of us have misunderstood his teachings about the body (myself included until recently).

In short – Jesus is asking us to do as he did (miracles, healing and above all, resurrection) and MORE. Not later, not after death, but now…in a body. In the skin-suit we made to attack ourselves and to keep ourselves asleep. Our will is as powerful as God’s Will, because we are inseparable extensions of God’s Will. Now it’s time to reclaim our Will. It’s time to fess up and forgive all we’ve projected outward in order to dis-empower ourselves.

Anyway Eli, this teaching sure as hell packs one monstrous blow to the ego. Death, the ego’s very foundation and the most sacred idol of man, is about to be erased. When death is overcome – the ego cannot exist. No death = no ego.

Next Day

Stacy: Nouk and I on our walk this morning really acknowledged to one another how overextended and over-committed we are at present.

As such there has been NO time to write the new book (on the topics covered in the retreat), or to even sit in inspiration since the workshop …and I leave for the Island early in December for 3 weeks. Between the non-profit, telephone sessions, writing the newsletter, planning and just plain life, there are not enough hours in the day to support so much.

With that in mind, we realize we need to let go of a few things. The blog being one of them. I love it, and if it were all that was going on in my life right now it would great! I just feel pulled in too many directions lately, so thank you for your understanding and support. Maybe we can pick it up again at another time through inspiration.

Nouk: To boil it down, this inner drive to write, to get this new book done – is my ONLY desire right now. But there are just so many other things that take up my time and I’ve been in conflict over this. I see now that I only have around 3 months to allow these writings to pour through; March begins a busy cycle of distractions with my brother and wife coming to stay again. And then overseas travel, workshops, etc.

So in saying this, I must be honest. As much as I want to progress with the blog… at the moment, I really cannot. I want to dedicate all my free time to writing this book. I still feel conflict over this, but I must prioritize the book over all else (except for the huge process currently, of setting up this nonprofit which in itself is very challenging).

I hope I’m not disappointing anyone too much? I have enjoyed our communications so very much…

Carrie: I’ll just send all 3 of you big love & hugs instead!!

Eli: OK got it. No problem. If it’s ok with everybody, I’d like to put together what we have (which is A LOT) so far and post it. Then we’ll see what happens next.

Dear Reader: Stay tuned. We’re sure there’s more to come on this blog, but maybe not in the format we originally thought.

Nouk and Stacy have gotten to work on their new book with themes brought together in the October retreat. Eli is finishing up the rewrite of her book A Taste of Grace, now called A Place of Grace, Stories from a Spiritual Traveler. And Carrie is joining forces with Nouk and Stacy in teaching future Power of Power workshops, in addition to working on her own writing projects. Her most recent teaching, an hour-long presentation called Using the Body to Transcend the Body, can be heard at http://www.carrietriffet.com/audio.php

Eli: We were all rather tired toward the end of spring this year and needed some time off for reflection. I thought I was in a holding pattern, waiting for you two to have more time and desire to participate. But what I’m finding (like always), I was waiting for myself. Here’s an update.

I cruised through the summer in a fairly happy way. I was home with my kids and enjoyed a hot Mediterranean estate: lots of vacation, outdoor barbecues, lots of time with our sons and relatives. I thought life would pick itself up where it left off as the fall began. Instead, toward the beginning of September, I had a sixth sense that something was not right with my husband. I mean, he was just too drawn, too tired. Something was up. I went into his email/FB accounts (I know I was invading his privacy….but that’s what I did) and found TONS of correspondence with other women. There was nothing particularly offensive. I mean, it wasn’t like they were sharing porn films or something but it was clear he was escalating in terms of intimacy and sharing with them. The sweetness with which he shared and the desire he showed them. Oh, I went berserk. I was livid, beyond words and beyond emotions. I couldn’t believe after all we’d been through together with the cancer, the kids, etc. this would come up.

The rest of the details are not important. (Believe me, I could go on and on for another week). What happened in the midst of my anger is all that matters. Something clicked inside my head. All I could feel was quiet and serenity. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not like I were in some kind of bliss. But I was totally quiet. That sweetness I saw in the correspondence is what I wanted. I wanted that within myself. I wanted that in my life. I wanted that in relationships. I wanted that with my partner.

Mauro, my husband, had long since retreated to the balcony for some deep thinking. I followed and we sat together in total silence as we watched the stars blink. “You have found your inner peace, Elizabeth,” he said. “But there is no place there for me. I am glad you’re feeling better. I am glad you have found your rhythm. But I am not the partner you need.” “And besides,” he said, “I can’t confront the possibility of your death one more time. I can’t. I can’t do it again.” I was paralyzed, stunned.

My mind raced back to the fall of 2010 when I had to reach very very far down within myself to find the strength to go through at least two more cancer operations. “But,” I thought to myself, “I’ve been looking at all this as the one with cancer. Mauro was the caretaker. He has had to look at the possibility of not having me around. I can easily say this last year has brought an amazing amount of spiritual awareness. But what has it brought him? How is our relationship now? I am happy in our marriage but I haven’t stopped to ask him.” All this time, he was taking one big step back in preparation of losing me, if not to cancer then to my spiritual cloistered life. What tenderness he couldn’t find with me and my circumstances, he found virtually with others.

We slept apart that night just to have some space to reflect. I am one, once I lie flat, who always falls asleep on a dime. It wasn’t a happy moment but I wanted the break sleep could give me. But sleep was not to happen. I lay awake, thinking and contemplating. One hour then another and another. I just couldn’t sleep. “OK,” I told myself, “I’ll go talk.” Mauro was up too. It was 2 or 3 in the morning at that point but we talked like it was noon. There was so much to say. “How do you feel?” “Why do you even begin to think I don’t want to be with you?” “I’m not dead. I’m here. Don’t you want to be here with me?” The questions and responses came out in rivers. We talked and talked and talked and talked. It was early morning. We snuggled and went into the kitchen for some coffee together. We looked together at the messages to the women. “I didn’t mean to hurt you in any way, Eli,” he said. I looked carefully at the dates of the messages. They increased dramatically around the time last year when my new diagnosis for cancer came out. I hadn’t been paying attention to the weight my partner had on his shoulders, not the weight of taking care of me but the weight of the loss he would feel if I died.

What followed is one of the deepest weeks and deepest interactions I have ever had with another person. And this is after 15 years of marriage! I had a newly discovered deep desire to love the person standing next to me in a way I have never ever dreamed of experienced before. I fell definitively into love and a shift occurred in which I couldn’t get out. I was in love and the remainder of the decisions I made would come from that place. See http://elizabethgriffin.wordpress.com/ (September 12-15 posts) for more details.

This is all especially poignant for me, sexually speaking. After 5 cancer operations, I have a body with induced menopause, two false breasts, and only one nipple. But again I have never felt so much love and so much desire/appreciation for sweetness. I am in love. I don’t know any other way to say it.

The real catch came days later when our younger son forgot his homework at school. We were once again in a position of finding another in the class with the assignment, getting a copy, blah blah blah. This was usually cause for yelling, blaming, reprimanding, etc. But Mauro came into the room and I saw immediately that I couldn’t FEEL my love for him when I was reacting to our son in this way. The love I had for Mauro was what I wanted – but that meant NOT being in my anger, even for others. It was an all or nothing choice. Love or Not Love.

The watershed I have experienced these past days is, I’m sure, what needed to happen before I continued my trialogue with you two. I know you were not asking me to change. But rather I feel it’s this, this Eli who wants expression. I am beholden, beholden to life, to relationships, to expressing, to interacting.

So with that HUGE wave, that I give both of you a welcome back after the summer.

Carrie: Oh Eli, thank you for sharing this. I can’t help but be struck by the true glowing heart of this story: The angry homework episode, in which you discovered your only choices were Love or Not Love. This realization feels so familiar to me; I have experienced similar choices myself.

In every circumstance, this same choice is waiting to be made for one side or the other: deepest happiness or business as usual. It’s almost as if this spiritual choice is built on a binary code, like a computer. It’s either a zero or a One; the switch is flipped either on or off. No such thing as a bit of both – the current is flowing or it isn’t. Although it can be very startling to see the myriad forms this realization can take, here within our individual 3-D circumstances, the realization itself is always exactly the same: All or nothing. Love or the absence of Love, in every situation. We definitely can’t have it both ways.

This discovery of yours also reminds me of something Nouk said, back in our first discussion on Relationships (see Archives April 2011).

Tomas and I, with his passing, have entered yet another change in the ‘form’ of our relationship. This time it’s a one-body-sided relationship, lol! Me with a body and he without one. I’m learning even more about the refinement of communication between us…. I’ve already learned one important thing about it. Communication with Tomas falls away if there are feelings of sadness, loss or grief. Sentimental thoughts of the past are another communication buster. This process has me in a fairly consistent state of joy and peace as a result. What a way to learn!”

Not to put words in your mouth, Nouk, but I think you’re saying the same thing here (just as Mauro is offering Eli the clear motivation to always choose to respond to circumstances with Love in order to keep the connection of Love with him). Tomas also offers you the motivation to consistently choose Love (and joy and present peace) so that you can stay in Loving communication together, beyond the physical form. Being taught to consistently choose love in this way is the most wonderful sort of teaching tool, isn’t it?

Nouk: Thanks for reminding us of this example Carrie…the lesson is always the same regardless of perceived attack, loss or distress.

And Eli, the following from your blog…really stood out:

“I didn’t like what he had done. But what was so very totally completely clear in that moment is that I needed to be offended to continue the argument. Without the offense there was no attack. Without attack, there was no need for defense. Without defense there was no need to arm myself. There was no need to strike first. There was no need to strike at all. There was no need to do anything except stay in my quiet peacefulness.”

AND

“The emotional breakdown waiting on the sidelines was not to be. It wasn’t that I felt resolved of all our problems. But I knew I would not accept the role offense was offering me to play. I wanted Mauro. I wanted our relationship. I wanted our life together. What part did offense have in that?”

Wow. What a teaching this is! Thank you for choosing this and for not choosing the familiar path!

Ok now…this all makes perfect sense. I feel that through this decision of TRUST with Mauro and with your choice to have the “motherhood role” divinely reinterpreted (see Archives Physicality post July 2011),you have made an unequivocal choice to “live.” With this kind of healing – healing the “cause” of separation…there is no need for cancer, for being a victim, nor for any other form of suffering or lack.

Oh I Love you both, Carrie and Eli. You are such inspirations for me…Your commitment to “let it rip” and open to whatever appears with total open and honest disclosure, is truly awesome. With Infinite Love and gratitude (as you heal – we ALL heal!!!!!!)

Eli: I knew you’d be right there reaching out your hands to me. It’s a celebratory moment. I am heading into the fall with no operations on the horizon. This is a first in a long while. And I’m aware, maybe for the first time in my life, of love everywhere I look. I’m a bit disoriented and my tendency would be to find a shield somewhere or something to hide behind. Even though I feel myself shiver a bit, like a baby deer learning to stand for the first time, I know this realization is here to stay. Just give me a few days to get acquainted with the new….ah…Eli.

Anyway, tell me more about your summers. Where have your thoughts and reflections brought you?

Carrie: A baby deer! Lovely image. Take all the time you need, Eli.

Hmmm. My summer! A whirlwind, on the one hand, of strength and growth and the busy-ness of ‘doing’…I formed a publishing company, and my new book was released on September 1st — 6 weeks ahead of schedule. That’s been a wonderfully empowering process.

On the other hand, I’ve also been going through a period of spiritual undoing, which tends to feel like the very opposite of strength or growth or empowerment. I would describe this undoing process as ‘caterpillar soup.’ It’s that interim phase where you’re still inside your little cocoon… you’ve left behind everything you used to be, but nothing new has taken its place yet. All you know is, caterpillarhood is no longer your thing… but you sure as hell don’t feel like a butterfly either!!

It’s not exactly over yet, this phase. Some days I have wonderful clarity about what’s unfolding, but most days still feel fairly soupy. I probably won’t be able to speak to all of this accurately for awhile. I’m too close to the process to be able to say what any of it means. But in the meantime I’m very happy to join in these conversations with you and Nouk!

Eli: Thank you Carrie. I love how you articulate the process!

BTW one more thing about Mauro. I meant to tell you he has experienced an astounding miracle in his life since our heart to heart talks the other week. He has been haunted by panic attacks and momentary asphyxiation at night most of his life. He rarely has a good night’s sleep. (When the cancer was diagnosed again last fall, he would wake up, throw open the shutters and say/scream “Don’t take away my light” – god those nights of me in stitches from the breast cancer operations and he shouting into the dark still bring tears to my eyes.) It’s more than we could have ever ever ever imagined, but the nightmares are gone. He has slept through the night, even taken naps during the day with NO PANIC. Even as I write this, I can’t believe it. These panic attacks would usually come about an hour after he fell to sleep – oh yeah, and falling to sleep was an ordeal – he would read and read and read until he practically fell to sleep, not wanting to face what was to come. But anyway, it was as if, when his body relaxed into a deeper state of sleep, the panic would come. And I could almost time it. I was careful to not get out of bed or wake him in any way during that crucial hour because it would always intensify the panic. Last week, I had a big cold. And during the night I often had to get up, blow my nose, whatever and it occurred to me I didn’t make note of the time. I was coming back and forth from the bed at ease. Mauro just kept sleeping.

Carrie: This is so wonderful, Eli. I rejoice with you! I swear, it just never gets old, when miraculous internal shifts cause miraculous ‘external’ healing. And it seems equally astounding each time we see fresh evidence that all things are One. The healing experienced by one is experienced by another. (We are asked to believe that, in truth, the healing experienced by one mind is actually experienced by all minds, but deep down we can’t quite grasp the enormity of that idea, can we?) Yet what you just experienced with Mauro is pretty undeniable proof the two of you are linked as one. Mirror and reflection, as you say.

This enormously fascinating schoolhouse we call life in the 3-D world, can teach us some truly wonderful lessons if we’re open to it. The sacred texts and brilliant spiritual teachings we’ve been given are like treasure maps and compasses we use to guide our steps. But the actual journey, the work, the lessons to be learned that will lead us back home – they’re to be found nowhere other than here in the day-to-day workings of the mundane 3-D world of jobs and houses and bodies and relationships.

Eli: Which brings us back to the question of what we want to do about continuing our blog. This summer, we shared a few emails about our current inspiration and focus. I think the conversation began with my comments in July:

ACIM still sits on my bedside table. It is a cornerstone of my spiritual work. But I feel pulled to focus on and articulate individual experience into Oneness. I say this like it’s got so much definition to it. But really I’ve had to struggle with my need TO DO and TO PRODUCE. My “outward” life seems to have less and less and less definition to it. I was noticing this summer, as friends came to visit from the States, the tendency is to give an update of the past year, plans for the future, etc. But frequently I didn’t know what to say. The best I could do was to appreciate fully the other’s company and enjoy their stories. I literally didn’t know what to say about myself – the book was done but then the cancer showed up again so I’m doing the book again – I don’t know – it doesn’t make much sense in casual conversation.

So I’m watching as my goals and to do lists fall away. I’m left only with the thoughts that present themselves in the moment. The projects in life are out there but seem removed or at least not important right NOW. I can feel myself still struggling with the non-definition and nothingness of life – but that’s what’s up right now so that’s what I’m “doing.”

Nouk: Well…Seems you’re losing your ability to RESPOND as you did previously, it’s falling away. This happened to me too. Funny how when we’re asked perfectly normal definitive (ego) questions, that it leaves us speechless at this stage. No clue how to answer as we had previously. Weird! I remember when my Make-up Artist career died after years of living the Course. At public gatherings people would ask, “What do you for a living?” And I would say sheepishly (at first), “As little as possible!” And the braver I became, the more confidently I’d say things like, ” I have no idea where I’m going and I’m learning to DO and PLAN as little as possible these days.” Oh! the surprise and bewilderment on people’s faces made it quite the laugh for me!

Like you, all I can do now is to be pretty much quiet and to enjoy their stories. Joining them at the level of the HEART and not so much in the stories themselves. You’re doing an amazing job of living through this weird phase where much is being re-ordered; but not sure what it’s going to look like. The nothingness of life must be SEEN first before “LIFE” itself can be fully surrendered to. It’s part of the transfer of trust from ego self, world/past – through to Holy Self, expression/now.

Eli: Anyway, what do both of you think about continuing the trialogue?

Carrie: I would have thought it didn’t feel right to continue (since I’m in this caterpillary holding pattern where it doesn’t feel right to teach ACIM or anything else). But funnily enough I was on the front page of my own website today, and I happened to notice the button for Our Joining…and I felt a funny little wave of longing for it. There are things I’d love to talk about, just not the topics we were on before. I’d love to discuss what it might look like to be on this path while no longer making an enemy of the ego mind, for instance.

Eli: What subtitle would we use to reflect your discussion interests – something like Our Joining, Practical Discussions about Non-Duality? I guess that’s a bit academic. Or Practical Discussions about Our Oneness?

Carrie: How about…OUR JOINING: A practical exploration of Oneness

Nouk: I love the idea of the new blog title! This really opens it up. And while I’m learning in leaps and bounds, it’s still what “J” teaches in the Course but…it really goes beyond what the intellectual (ego) interpretation has been so far. It sure will be nice to have a forum to discuss this ongoing learning…

Eli: OK then, Alla Prossima (until the next time)!