Using the Body to Transcend the Body and Unearth God’s Will

Dear Reader: From October 20 – 23, 2011, Nouk Sanchez and Stacy Sully gave a workshop in Northern New Mexico called the Power of Power; Know ThySelf Retreat. To help us debrief and share what happened, Stacy is here with us on our blog along with one of the workshop’s participants, Mary Beth Bryant.

Eli: Hi all. How did it go? Tell us all about the retreat. Carrie, you were there too. You mentioned you have put together an eyewitness review of the workshop. Please give us the link to this article, and a brief overview of what you wrote.

Carrie: Hi Eli! Wow, summarizing that article is hard…In a nutshell, Nouk and Stacy’s retreat workshop blew my mind and rearranged my soul. The information they’re teaching (while firmly based in A Course in Miracles) is also radically new, and off-the-charts powerful. At least it was for me! The article explains in detail why this workshop series is different from anything that’s been done before.

The full text of my ‘eyewitness report’ is on my website, under the title THE TRUTH WITHIN THE TRUTH. http://www.carrietriffet.com/audio.php. An audio version is in the same spot, if anybody prefers to listen rather than read. As you can tell, I’m very excited about the whole thing. This workshop was a life changer for me, and it’s just the beginning.

Stacy: Hi Eli, Carrie and Nouk, thanks for the invitation to join. I look forward to some fun, open and stimulating conversations heart to heart.

Nouk: Well it’s great to be back with you all. I wonder where this conversation will end up taking us…I can’t wait.

As Carrie explains in her article, my breakthrough in the aftermath of Tomas leaving physical form and the subsequent transmissions that made themselves known (still going), are the backbone of these teachings.

Early this year, I was shown a short-cut to blowing through perhaps years or even life-times of ego resistance. All our suffering is caused by our lack of trust in God’s Love as being the only Power – having no opposite. Most still believe in the ego’s world, i.e. sickness, aging, deprivation, scarcity, loss, conflict, pain and death. We say we believe in God’s Love and yet we also believe in pain, loss and death. Jesus’ message is uncompromising.

He begins in the Course’s introduction by telling us this: “NOTHING REAL CAN BE THREATENED. NOTHING UNREAL EXISTS. HEREIN LIES THE PEACE OF GOD.” God’s Love is all-encompassing. It has no opposite. Yet…what in hell do we seem to encounter on a daily basis here in the dream?

When we still believe in suffering, while we’re invested in protecting ourselves from a power other than God…we are convincing ourselves that there IS a power other than God. And we cannot forgive something that we still believe is real; that we have assigned power over us.

Our independent will, our false self, is very powerful. Do not underestimate its projective potential. It made this world, this universe and all the seeming laws that govern it. Its central law, the one that is the most (unconsciously) coveted, the ego’s most valued attraction, and the last to be overcome, is death. Death is the opposite of Life, Love, and God.

Awakening calls for the development of trust in God. But – as I recognized after Tomas passed – we really don’t trust God, because of this deep fear of Love. Again, it’s all unconscious, until we dare to exhume our fears. One of the most helpful shortcuts to undoing the ego, is an exercise that was gifted me from Spirit recently. We look at all our conscious beliefs about God, which are usually loving. And then we unearth our unconscious beliefs about God – and they’re pretty terrifying, to say the least!

This shortcut is amazingly powerful in demonstrating the immense unconscious split in our mind. It shows us exactly why we don’t trust God (Love) implicitly, and why we choose our independent ego self to problem-solve and make decisions, instead of trusting Spirit.

Finally, with the unconscious ‘god of terror and death’ EXPOSED in the full light of day, as the imposter it is…we can open our hearts to receive. We’re open now to be shown intimately, how to Love our self as God Loves us…unimpeded by fear. And shock of shocks…the body (yes…the body) happens to be a very necessary part of this process that Jesus calls us to embrace.

There’s been a lot of body-denial in the Course community; a common misunderstanding; and it’s something I suffered from for a long time. While the body is not ‘who’ we are, it is IN the body that we awaken from the dream of death (the ego). The body is the means through which we awaken to our Holy Self.

So, to cut to the chase, in this deepening of Jesus’ teachings…He is calling us out of death’s dream. He tells us that our ‘will’ is tremendously powerful and that in Christ, we can overcome the ego’s dream of separation, deprivation and suffering. By choosing His Will (which is really our own true Will) and undoing the ego thought system through forgiveness, we claim dominion over all the ego made to attack us, and to keep us separate from the Love that we are.

Stacy: Some of what we devoted ourselves to during the workshop was the process of embodiment, and understanding what is meant by that.

The Course says, your body can be used to help you enlarge your perception to achieve real vision, of which the physical eye is incapable. Learning to do this is the body’s only true usefulness.

Within each of us lies a central column of primordial essence/light. This vertical channel is the bridge between Heaven and Earth within time/space – within this world, this universe, in other words. This vertical access is what Jesus was referring to when he said “No man cometh unto the Father but by me,”through a living example of forgivness”. He is referring to our alignment with source, as it appears in time/space. He goes on to say:

“This does not mean that I am in any way separate or different from you except in time, and time does not really exist. The statement is more meaningful in terms of a vertical rather than horizontal axis. You stand below me and I stand below God. In the process of “rising up” I am higher because without me the distance between God and man would be too great for you to encompass. I bridge the distance as an elder brother to you on the one hand and as a Son of God on another.”

The essence of Love is to know thyself. This deep union with oneself cannot be achieved within the mental realm. Only the heart knows how to birth consciousness, and when we choose the heart rather than the head, we live within our pure potential.

That is why when Jesus says that “the kingdom is within,” he is saying the true access point is the heart, in natural alignment with the vertical channel. When we realize this, we automatically orient our awareness within, and away from the horizontal illusory world. It is in this way that we begin to use our body to enlarge our perception; Christ vision deepens, and in the present moment, we ground who we know ourselves to be.

When you begin to experience this vertical alignment within the body, you will also notice a natural centering that takes place. Embodiment is a gentle, loving process. As the mind learns to rest in the body without judgment, Love dissolves all blocks, and your consciousness expands again to hold more of the infinite truth of who you are.

You begin to rest within Life, rather than resist it. Because in truth, Life is within. And when you know this, you look out upon the world with new eyes – Christ vision is anchored through the heart, and you become deeply known to yourself. With this inner mastery, perception is refined as wisdom becomes knowledge.

From this place you effect change as change is. When the dream sees it is being watched by the One who sees, it will reflect the truth. In reality what you see is Truth manifesting as Life everywhere, Christ Vision.

None of this means a hill of beans until you have had the direct experience of it. A key aspect of the workshop was to experience directly, as a group, embodiment through the central column. And we experienced, through gentle awareness and meditation, how we can directly understand the teachings through the heart, rather than at any theoretical level. This is true alchemy. This is evolving essence, and this brings Heaven to Earth.

Eli: Here’s a picture of the three of you. It’s lovely to look at and soak up the serenity. The word “trust” you mention, Nouk and Stacy, is so commonplace. Interestingly it is not a word we associate with God. We usually say faith, which has a different “feel” to it. That’s the word I would use to describe the changes in Carrie’s “tone” I’ve felt since she returned from the retreat.

Carrie: YES! That’s it exactly, Eli! Thank you. A newfound trust in God is what I came away with, from the retreat. And while that may sound like a nice enough concept, to put one’s trust in God for all aspects of day-to-day living, the actual experience of it is so much more wonderful than that. The safety, the relief…the feeling of being surrounded by gentleness. The realization I don’t have to try to control everything by myself anymore. (Not that I ever could!) I owe it all to this workshop.

And actual trust in God (as opposed to slogans printed on coins) is extremely rare in this world. I’ll leave it to Nouk and Stacy to explain more about this.

Stacy: Where truth is, you will find faith. They go hand in hand. When one has realized truth, faith naturally deepens. You could say faith is a maturing of trust. They both serve the purpose of opening to truth.

I would go a little farther, and say that where truth has been embodied, an unshakable faith resides. That faith becomes a knowing of truth. The goal is always truth. Trust, faith and truth. What we trust in builds the foundation for our deeper faith, and that faith is what ultimately sees the truth. I can trust you, but when I have faith in you I know absolutely. Faith and holiness, as the Course says, go hand in hand.

The deepening of faith is a sure sign you are ‘becoming’ what you ‘know’ to be true. Maybe what you noticed in Carrie was this embodiment of faith. It is palpable with people; when it is stable and grounded, it radiates and we can feel that.

Carrie: Really good point, Stacy. There’s faith (which is built on a solid foundation of trust and living, breathing personal experience)…and then there’s blind faith, which is built on nothing much at all. Real faith, actual faith, has a rock solid quality because you have lived the experience yourself. You’re not taking anyone’s second hand word for it. So when the crap hits the fan, as it surely will at one time or another in one’s life, real faith and trust provide not just an anchor, but a springboard into greater freedom. Whereas blind faith crumbles instantly, when pressure of any kind is placed on it.

Stacy: Yes Carrie that’s it! When truth is anchored, it is an entirely different experience. That is what is meant when we talk about the Living Christ. Truth becomes a live experience within. No longer conceptual, but rooted in the heart. When old paradigms die and fall away, as so many did during the workshop, a great space opens in which truth is known. We accept what we can at the time – and if it is not a fleeting acceptance, we manage to ground it directly into our physical reality. Which is what you did.

Nouk: Sure Carrie, what a relief! Transferring our trust (and faith) from our personal self and the world, over to God’s all encompassing Loving Will – is a monumental relief! And that kind of transfer of trust doesn’t happen without a total conscious and unconscious review of our fear of God.
Because in that fear, we are terrified that great LOSS and mega SACRIFICE will be required of us. What will happen to ‘me’, to ‘my’ own will, to ‘my’ special identity and ‘my’ own little world…if I acquiesce to God’s Will? Well, if we let the ego answer that question, the answer will be certain devastation. That’s all the ego knows. It has no idea of God’s Nature… nor of God’s Will.

The ego projects an image of ’God,’ which has all the dualistic attributes of the ego. And let’s face it – the ego is FEAR itself. To the ego, God is purely a bigger and more powerful ego, certain to teach us all about humility by ripping every shred of earthly security away from us. The ego’s god has plans for us: that we only learn through suffering; and that true humility is acquired only when we lose everything, roaming around our community in a lap-lap, with a begging bowl.

No wonder we don’t trust God’s Will implicitly! We can’t, until we exhume the unconscious bogus image of god, that the ego hides from our awareness. Once we’ve dared to exhume the dead carcass of the ego’s god, and hurled it off our unconscious inner altar (forgiveness to the max) …then, just watch the Joy that comes rushing in to take its place!

Now we’re open to having the old concept of God thoroughly reinterpreted beyond our wildest imaginings. And with this reinterpretation, comes the awesome alchemical healing of our own SELF-CONCEPT. This is the undoing of guilt; the undoing of our secret shame and unconscious self-hatred. Relief is an understatement…

And Stacy. Yes. From my experience…true faith is the maturing of trust in God’s Will alone as my true Will. I ‘know’ now, and all my actions are inspired from this certainty. I finally recognize that giving not some, but ALL my problems up to be reinterpreted by Holy Spirit – is literally reversing not some, but ALL effects of the ego. Hooray for Faith!

Eli: Mammamia! I’ve got three inspired gals on the line with me. Thank you all. Let’s get into some examples. Trust, Faith, Truth, Love. What does that exceptional transformation look like?

Stacy: What does transformation look like? I like that question Eli.

Resist nothing. Nature is such a profound example of this truth. It allows for everything, every element, every disaster, drought, hurricane. And in all that allowing, it continuously transforms and comes back from the brink. We are like that, I believe. The less we resist, the more capacity we find we have. We come to trust the very invulnerable nature of our own vulnerability. Our safety lies in our defenselessness, as Jesus says.

Without defense we transform, and when we get to the core of our defense, the fire of transformation is all we long for. What would happen if you were given the choice to look upon your deepest fear, your most sacred defense, your most cherished idol, along with Holy Spirit? and if, at last, you let go of that defense…what transformation would take place in you?

Without that defense, you would know thyself/know Love in unfathomable ways. We cannot know God without knowing ourselves. We cannot transform, unless we are willing to meet ourselves face to face. We cannot meet face to face, without knowing our deepest hidden beliefs. When you bring forth that hidden belief system from within you, then that will save you. If you do not bring it forth into the light, then that will kill you.

Right from the horse’s mouth!

Carrie: Thank you Stacy, for verbalizing this information so perfectly. This is it. This is what I’ve been so hungry for, and since the workshop I feel like I’ve found a whole incredible feast to enjoy.

It took me a very long time with plenty of foot-dragging on my part, but now I’m totally ready for this business of meeting myself face to face. It’s no longer daunting or scary, and there’s nothing appealing now, about hanging onto darkness and defenses. And having so recently come to embrace this path of transformation, this decision to bring all my own unconscious darkness to light… it has finally become impossible to choose any other seemingly “slower/gentler” way forward.

Total transformation is where it’s at. The sooner the better. And as I willingly embrace this path of transformation, I realize “slower/gentler” was just my ego’s excuse to prolong its reign. There’s nothing gentler about taking it slower!

Stacy: No kidding, Carrie! Hallelujah! …I used to be afraid of meeting myself, because somewhere deep down inside, I still believed I went there alone. And I would start to fall asleep whenever I got close to something the ego did not want to see. Eventually I caught on, and fought the fogginess that would come.

And from then on, that defense was neutralized! A free ride all the way in, and all other defenses began to be quickly recognized because the main one had been seen through.
Then it was a matter of: just how deeply did I want to know myself? That’s still ongoing, happy to say. Love is limitless!!

Everything we experienced in the workshop was designed to navigate towards our greatest defense/fear: and that is Death. This is a message of love not fear and a teaching most are not ready to hear. Knowing this is what it’s about, do you fold up shop and fade off into the distance? Or do you stand in your core and follow what you are being shown? Touching a subject so ironclad as Death is not for the faint of heart. And yet the heart knows this eternal truth, beyond what time or ‘mortality’ can touch.

Carrie: I found there was an immediate recognition, and a feeling of relief, when the two of you illustrated how death is the central fear we set up all our defenses against. A relief, like: ahhh, at last! We’re all turning to look at the unnamed elephant in the room, and discovering what it is! Not like that ‘elephant’ was ever mysterious in its size or shape. (If pressed, we all would admit to tap dancing hard to keep death at bay.) But it wasn’t so obvious until you pointed it out, just how central to our very core that unacknowledged fear is.

We all do such a sad job of ‘elephant management.’ God knows, it’s not like fear of death goes away if we ignore it or tap dance hard enough. Quite the contrary! As long as we’re all only stealing glances at it out of the corner of our eye, that unacknowledged elephant can seem even bigger and scarier. But personally, I was thrilled to not only acknowledge, but begin to examine and dismantle the ‘elephant.’

Stacy: Jesus asks that we just sit with this message within. Watch what deeply encased unconscious beliefs, feelings and fear rise to the surface, when the idea of ‘no death’ is invited to exist in time/space.

We are being asked to introduce a topic that is at once frightening, blasphemous and ludicrous for most people. Even for us (Stacy and Nouk), there are challenges within it all, and resistance to the message. Yet the commitment to see this through, is beyond the personalities of Nouk and Stacy.

When we look at this most protected belief and cherished idol of mankind, and are asked to be open to seeing another way, it seems easy at first; not so difficult; …sure, I can do that. But then we are asked to look deeper – and when we do that, we might glimpse the truth, and that truth will turn everything upside down…end the game, so to speak. At that point, usually the fear will turn in on itself. And then any attempt at opening the mind to accept this deeper truth, will be forfeited in favor of deeper sleep.

Carrie: Yep, I hear that. Slipping off into deeper sleep (when gazing upon the deepest core defenses) is a constant temptation, even for somebody who’s hungry for awakening. I find I often have to ask for Help in staying with it.

Stacy: That life should end in fear, pain, disease and confusion is not the Will of Love. In truth, there is no death. Watch the desire of the ego to make this teaching about immortality in the body. It is not. Fear/ego will want to take this position, for it is a way to circumvent your inherent Power. It will use it to reclaim your fear of death. Because your fear of death is so strong, you desire immortality as a way to run from the idea of death.

Immortality in a body is not what Power of Power is about. Rather, it is about claiming mastery over all that you have made. In doing so there is only Life, and the expressions of that Life are in accordance with Divine Will. The idea of immortality in a body will close the opening. Immortality is a human notion, and an attempt as a means to an end. There is no end.

‘No death’ and ‘immortality’ are not the same things. Through your Power of Power, you have the ability to come and go from time /space as you will, in accordance with Divine Will, which you are. When you know this in your heart, the resurrection is at once understood.

Carrie: For me, this is the most startling thing of all, about this teaching you and Nouk have brought forth: It’s absolutely ‘put up or shut up’ time. The Course says our true nature is Christ. That means we have within ourselves the power to heal the sick. Raise the dead. Walk on water. Move mountains, both literal and figurative. To quote the Course, “Miracles enable you to heal the sick and raise the dead because you made sickness and death yourself, and can therefore abolish both.”

To most of us, these are just beautiful ideas – lyrical poetry about our true nature, but nothing we need aspire to in any serious way. Too big, too scary, too fantastical. No way we could be that powerful, or that responsible. But these new-paradigm teachings demand that we take the words of the Course absolutely literally. And I say, hooray! It’s about time.

Anyway… Maybe we should pause here and ask Mary Beth for her impressions of the workshop and these recent teachings of Nouk & Stacy’s?

Mary Beth: Thank you all for this invitation, but more importantly for your teachings. As I have said to Nouk and Stacy, (but feel it’s good to repeat here) one of the many things I came home with is how everything is a lesson, an invitation to inquiry. There are different teaching styles, and always different ways in which we are presented with the choice for truth, and each one is so precious!

The retreat offered so much clarification for me. The denial of the body has been a struggle for me, as I’ve always put such great trust in my ability to go to the body for truth. The teachings of the retreat gave me “permission” to return that trust to the body, and when I did that everything opened.

I love the word “exhume,” as Nouk used it. I visualize myself digging deep to find these defenses. The exercise we did of listing defenses was so powerful, especially when we got to the “positive” ones.

I am getting glimpses of the ego’s slyness, its ability to turn me around. But as I dig deep, I find it dissipates and then love comes in and I feel so light!

And then Carrie, as you said, there is nothing appealing about hanging on to the defense.
The retreat offered me a space to be with the Course’s words. “When you awake in Him you will know His magnitude, accepting His limitlessness as yours.” That line used to make me want to vomit in terror, but now it offers me a glimpse of what true Love can do.

Much like what Stacy refers to as Power of Power. I got to touch that place, although briefly, it was, it is, there inside. And the atmosphere, the Love expressed by so many, together with the teaching all helped me reach it. It was as much about being in the space of Love, as it was hearing the words.

The clarification of death was so helpful. I had no idea how the idea of being in the peace of God after death was embedded in my thoughts, way down deep. And it wasn’t until you all said it, so clearly, that the belief exposed itself. There were so many of those “ah-ha” moments. I am so very grateful!

At this point Nouk and Stacy were away from their computers for a week and the conversation is on pause.

Eli: Welcome back. Whenever you’re ready, let’s continue.

Nouk: I’d be happy to continue with the discussion.

These deeper teachings of Jesus are quite shocking, even to longtime Course students. We’re exposing the biggest of all unconscious idols since the beginning of time: Death. Death is commonly believed to be the ONE thing that we’re absolutely sure of in life. It’s deemed a NATURAL part of life. And…it’s the ONE outcome that we EXPECT. As far as our most cherished value and idol – death beats God’s Love hands down.

Yet death AND God’s Love cannot both be real. Only one is real. As long as we maintain both as having reality, we are in terrible turmoil and fear. Disease is another idol. We believe it’s a “natural” part of life…which is extreme delusion. We have no idea that we made disease and death in a supreme effort to convince ourselves that we are POWERLESS, and separate from our Creator.

If we keep ourselves asleep and powerless, we effectively reject God’s Love as our holy Self. Jesus’ message is for us to wake up to the fact that we made all this suffering to attack ourselves, and to separate from God’s all-encompassing Love. He’s released A Course in Miracles into the world as a major wake-up call. He’s asking us to acknowledge what we MADE to attack ourselves, and to keep us asleep. And he’s giving us the principles by which to take back our power and to UNMAKE all that keeps us dreaming a dream of suffering and death.

Oh…and he’s also telling us that we do this by using the body to overcome the body. A good many of us have misunderstood his teachings about the body (myself included until recently).

In short – Jesus is asking us to do as he did (miracles, healing and above all, resurrection) and MORE. Not later, not after death, but now…in a body. In the skin-suit we made to attack ourselves and to keep ourselves asleep. Our will is as powerful as God’s Will, because we are inseparable extensions of God’s Will. Now it’s time to reclaim our Will. It’s time to fess up and forgive all we’ve projected outward in order to dis-empower ourselves.

Anyway Eli, this teaching sure as hell packs one monstrous blow to the ego. Death, the ego’s very foundation and the most sacred idol of man, is about to be erased. When death is overcome – the ego cannot exist. No death = no ego.

Next Day

Stacy: Nouk and I on our walk this morning really acknowledged to one another how overextended and over-committed we are at present.

As such there has been NO time to write the new book (on the topics covered in the retreat), or to even sit in inspiration since the workshop …and I leave for the Island early in December for 3 weeks. Between the non-profit, telephone sessions, writing the newsletter, planning and just plain life, there are not enough hours in the day to support so much.

With that in mind, we realize we need to let go of a few things. The blog being one of them. I love it, and if it were all that was going on in my life right now it would great! I just feel pulled in too many directions lately, so thank you for your understanding and support. Maybe we can pick it up again at another time through inspiration.

Nouk: To boil it down, this inner drive to write, to get this new book done – is my ONLY desire right now. But there are just so many other things that take up my time and I’ve been in conflict over this. I see now that I only have around 3 months to allow these writings to pour through; March begins a busy cycle of distractions with my brother and wife coming to stay again. And then overseas travel, workshops, etc.

So in saying this, I must be honest. As much as I want to progress with the blog… at the moment, I really cannot. I want to dedicate all my free time to writing this book. I still feel conflict over this, but I must prioritize the book over all else (except for the huge process currently, of setting up this nonprofit which in itself is very challenging).

I hope I’m not disappointing anyone too much? I have enjoyed our communications so very much…

Carrie: I’ll just send all 3 of you big love & hugs instead!!

Eli: OK got it. No problem. If it’s ok with everybody, I’d like to put together what we have (which is A LOT) so far and post it. Then we’ll see what happens next.

Dear Reader: Stay tuned. We’re sure there’s more to come on this blog, but maybe not in the format we originally thought.

Nouk and Stacy have gotten to work on their new book with themes brought together in the October retreat. Eli is finishing up the rewrite of her book A Taste of Grace, now called A Place of Grace, Stories from a Spiritual Traveler. And Carrie is joining forces with Nouk and Stacy in teaching future Power of Power workshops, in addition to working on her own writing projects. Her most recent teaching, an hour-long presentation called Using the Body to Transcend the Body, can be heard at http://www.carrietriffet.com/audio.php

Sharing In Between – October 2011

Dear Reader: Thank you for rejoining us. Nouk, Carrie and Elizabeth have decided to continue the trialogue, now with a new title: Our Joining: A Practical Exploration of Oneness. Here is an update about the summer and some background to the name change. See you for our next conversation later in November/11.

Eli: We were all rather tired toward the end of spring this year and needed some time off for reflection. I thought I was in a holding pattern, waiting for you two to have more time and desire to participate. But what I’m finding (like always), I was waiting for myself. Here’s an update.

I cruised through the summer in a fairly happy way. I was home with my kids and enjoyed a hot Mediterranean estate: lots of vacation, outdoor barbecues, lots of time with our sons and relatives. I thought life would pick itself up where it left off as the fall began. Instead, toward the beginning of September, I had a sixth sense that something was not right with my husband. I mean, he was just too drawn, too tired. Something was up. I went into his email/FB accounts (I know I was invading his privacy….but that’s what I did) and found TONS of correspondence with other women. There was nothing particularly offensive. I mean, it wasn’t like they were sharing porn films or something but it was clear he was escalating in terms of intimacy and sharing with them. The sweetness with which he shared and the desire he showed them. Oh, I went berserk. I was livid, beyond words and beyond emotions. I couldn’t believe after all we’d been through together with the cancer, the kids, etc. this would come up.

The rest of the details are not important. (Believe me, I could go on and on for another week). What happened in the midst of my anger is all that matters. Something clicked inside my head. All I could feel was quiet and serenity. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not like I were in some kind of bliss. But I was totally quiet. That sweetness I saw in the correspondence is what I wanted. I wanted that within myself. I wanted that in my life. I wanted that in relationships. I wanted that with my partner.

Mauro, my husband, had long since retreated to the balcony for some deep thinking. I followed and we sat together in total silence as we watched the stars blink. “You have found your inner peace, Elizabeth,” he said. “But there is no place there for me. I am glad you’re feeling better. I am glad you have found your rhythm. But I am not the partner you need.” “And besides,” he said, “I can’t confront the possibility of your death one more time. I can’t. I can’t do it again.” I was paralyzed, stunned.

My mind raced back to the fall of 2010 when I had to reach very very far down within myself to find the strength to go through at least two more cancer operations. “But,” I thought to myself, “I’ve been looking at all this as the one with cancer. Mauro was the caretaker. He has had to look at the possibility of not having me around. I can easily say this last year has brought an amazing amount of spiritual awareness. But what has it brought him? How is our relationship now? I am happy in our marriage but I haven’t stopped to ask him.” All this time, he was taking one big step back in preparation of losing me, if not to cancer then to my spiritual cloistered life. What tenderness he couldn’t find with me and my circumstances, he found virtually with others.

We slept apart that night just to have some space to reflect. I am one, once I lie flat, who always falls asleep on a dime. It wasn’t a happy moment but I wanted the break sleep could give me. But sleep was not to happen. I lay awake, thinking and contemplating. One hour then another and another. I just couldn’t sleep. “OK,” I told myself, “I’ll go talk.” Mauro was up too. It was 2 or 3 in the morning at that point but we talked like it was noon. There was so much to say. “How do you feel?” “Why do you even begin to think I don’t want to be with you?” “I’m not dead. I’m here. Don’t you want to be here with me?” The questions and responses came out in rivers. We talked and talked and talked and talked. It was early morning. We snuggled and went into the kitchen for some coffee together. We looked together at the messages to the women. “I didn’t mean to hurt you in any way, Eli,” he said. I looked carefully at the dates of the messages. They increased dramatically around the time last year when my new diagnosis for cancer came out. I hadn’t been paying attention to the weight my partner had on his shoulders, not the weight of taking care of me but the weight of the loss he would feel if I died.

What followed is one of the deepest weeks and deepest interactions I have ever had with another person. And this is after 15 years of marriage! I had a newly discovered deep desire to love the person standing next to me in a way I have never ever dreamed of experienced before. I fell definitively into love and a shift occurred in which I couldn’t get out. I was in love and the remainder of the decisions I made would come from that place. See http://elizabethgriffin.wordpress.com/ (September 12-15 posts) for more details.

This is all especially poignant for me, sexually speaking. After 5 cancer operations, I have a body with induced menopause, two false breasts, and only one nipple. But again I have never felt so much love and so much desire/appreciation for sweetness. I am in love. I don’t know any other way to say it.

The real catch came days later when our younger son forgot his homework at school. We were once again in a position of finding another in the class with the assignment, getting a copy, blah blah blah. This was usually cause for yelling, blaming, reprimanding, etc. But Mauro came into the room and I saw immediately that I couldn’t FEEL my love for him when I was reacting to our son in this way. The love I had for Mauro was what I wanted – but that meant NOT being in my anger, even for others. It was an all or nothing choice. Love or Not Love.

The watershed I have experienced these past days is, I’m sure, what needed to happen before I continued my trialogue with you two. I know you were not asking me to change. But rather I feel it’s this, this Eli who wants expression. I am beholden, beholden to life, to relationships, to expressing, to interacting.

So with that HUGE wave, that I give both of you a welcome back after the summer.

Carrie: Oh Eli, thank you for sharing this. I can’t help but be struck by the true glowing heart of this story: The angry homework episode, in which you discovered your only choices were Love or Not Love. This realization feels so familiar to me; I have experienced similar choices myself.

In every circumstance, this same choice is waiting to be made for one side or the other: deepest happiness or business as usual. It’s almost as if this spiritual choice is built on a binary code, like a computer. It’s either a zero or a One; the switch is flipped either on or off. No such thing as a bit of both – the current is flowing or it isn’t. Although it can be very startling to see the myriad forms this realization can take, here within our individual 3-D circumstances, the realization itself is always exactly the same: All or nothing. Love or the absence of Love, in every situation. We definitely can’t have it both ways.

This discovery of yours also reminds me of something Nouk said, back in our first discussion on Relationships (see Archives April 2011).

Tomas and I, with his passing, have entered yet another change in the ‘form’ of our relationship. This time it’s a one-body-sided relationship, lol! Me with a body and he without one. I’m learning even more about the refinement of communication between us…. I’ve already learned one important thing about it. Communication with Tomas falls away if there are feelings of sadness, loss or grief. Sentimental thoughts of the past are another communication buster. This process has me in a fairly consistent state of joy and peace as a result. What a way to learn!”

Not to put words in your mouth, Nouk, but I think you’re saying the same thing here (just as Mauro is offering Eli the clear motivation to always choose to respond to circumstances with Love in order to keep the connection of Love with him). Tomas also offers you the motivation to consistently choose Love (and joy and present peace) so that you can stay in Loving communication together, beyond the physical form. Being taught to consistently choose love in this way is the most wonderful sort of teaching tool, isn’t it?

Nouk: Thanks for reminding us of this example Carrie…the lesson is always the same regardless of perceived attack, loss or distress.

And Eli, the following from your blog…really stood out:

“I didn’t like what he had done. But what was so very totally completely clear in that moment is that I needed to be offended to continue the argument. Without the offense there was no attack. Without attack, there was no need for defense. Without defense there was no need to arm myself. There was no need to strike first. There was no need to strike at all. There was no need to do anything except stay in my quiet peacefulness.”

AND

“The emotional breakdown waiting on the sidelines was not to be. It wasn’t that I felt resolved of all our problems. But I knew I would not accept the role offense was offering me to play. I wanted Mauro. I wanted our relationship. I wanted our life together. What part did offense have in that?”

Wow. What a teaching this is! Thank you for choosing this and for not choosing the familiar path!

Ok now…this all makes perfect sense. I feel that through this decision of TRUST with Mauro and with your choice to have the “motherhood role” divinely reinterpreted (see Archives Physicality post July 2011),you have made an unequivocal choice to “live.” With this kind of healing – healing the “cause” of separation…there is no need for cancer, for being a victim, nor for any other form of suffering or lack.

Oh I Love you both, Carrie and Eli. You are such inspirations for me…Your commitment to “let it rip” and open to whatever appears with total open and honest disclosure, is truly awesome. With Infinite Love and gratitude (as you heal – we ALL heal!!!!!!)

Eli: I knew you’d be right there reaching out your hands to me. It’s a celebratory moment. I am heading into the fall with no operations on the horizon. This is a first in a long while. And I’m aware, maybe for the first time in my life, of love everywhere I look. I’m a bit disoriented and my tendency would be to find a shield somewhere or something to hide behind. Even though I feel myself shiver a bit, like a baby deer learning to stand for the first time, I know this realization is here to stay. Just give me a few days to get acquainted with the new….ah…Eli.

Anyway, tell me more about your summers. Where have your thoughts and reflections brought you?

Carrie: A baby deer! Lovely image. Take all the time you need, Eli.

Hmmm. My summer! A whirlwind, on the one hand, of strength and growth and the busy-ness of ‘doing’…I formed a publishing company, and my new book was released on September 1st — 6 weeks ahead of schedule. That’s been a wonderfully empowering process.

On the other hand, I’ve also been going through a period of spiritual undoing, which tends to feel like the very opposite of strength or growth or empowerment. I would describe this undoing process as ‘caterpillar soup.’ It’s that interim phase where you’re still inside your little cocoon… you’ve left behind everything you used to be, but nothing new has taken its place yet. All you know is, caterpillarhood is no longer your thing… but you sure as hell don’t feel like a butterfly either!!

It’s not exactly over yet, this phase. Some days I have wonderful clarity about what’s unfolding, but most days still feel fairly soupy. I probably won’t be able to speak to all of this accurately for awhile. I’m too close to the process to be able to say what any of it means. But in the meantime I’m very happy to join in these conversations with you and Nouk!

Eli: Thank you Carrie. I love how you articulate the process!

BTW one more thing about Mauro. I meant to tell you he has experienced an astounding miracle in his life since our heart to heart talks the other week. He has been haunted by panic attacks and momentary asphyxiation at night most of his life. He rarely has a good night’s sleep. (When the cancer was diagnosed again last fall, he would wake up, throw open the shutters and say/scream “Don’t take away my light” – god those nights of me in stitches from the breast cancer operations and he shouting into the dark still bring tears to my eyes.) It’s more than we could have ever ever ever imagined, but the nightmares are gone. He has slept through the night, even taken naps during the day with NO PANIC. Even as I write this, I can’t believe it. These panic attacks would usually come about an hour after he fell to sleep – oh yeah, and falling to sleep was an ordeal – he would read and read and read until he practically fell to sleep, not wanting to face what was to come. But anyway, it was as if, when his body relaxed into a deeper state of sleep, the panic would come. And I could almost time it. I was careful to not get out of bed or wake him in any way during that crucial hour because it would always intensify the panic. Last week, I had a big cold. And during the night I often had to get up, blow my nose, whatever and it occurred to me I didn’t make note of the time. I was coming back and forth from the bed at ease. Mauro just kept sleeping.

Carrie: This is so wonderful, Eli. I rejoice with you! I swear, it just never gets old, when miraculous internal shifts cause miraculous ‘external’ healing. And it seems equally astounding each time we see fresh evidence that all things are One. The healing experienced by one is experienced by another. (We are asked to believe that, in truth, the healing experienced by one mind is actually experienced by all minds, but deep down we can’t quite grasp the enormity of that idea, can we?) Yet what you just experienced with Mauro is pretty undeniable proof the two of you are linked as one. Mirror and reflection, as you say.

This enormously fascinating schoolhouse we call life in the 3-D world, can teach us some truly wonderful lessons if we’re open to it. The sacred texts and brilliant spiritual teachings we’ve been given are like treasure maps and compasses we use to guide our steps. But the actual journey, the work, the lessons to be learned that will lead us back home – they’re to be found nowhere other than here in the day-to-day workings of the mundane 3-D world of jobs and houses and bodies and relationships.

Eli: Which brings us back to the question of what we want to do about continuing our blog. This summer, we shared a few emails about our current inspiration and focus. I think the conversation began with my comments in July:

ACIM still sits on my bedside table. It is a cornerstone of my spiritual work. But I feel pulled to focus on and articulate individual experience into Oneness. I say this like it’s got so much definition to it. But really I’ve had to struggle with my need TO DO and TO PRODUCE. My “outward” life seems to have less and less and less definition to it. I was noticing this summer, as friends came to visit from the States, the tendency is to give an update of the past year, plans for the future, etc. But frequently I didn’t know what to say. The best I could do was to appreciate fully the other’s company and enjoy their stories. I literally didn’t know what to say about myself – the book was done but then the cancer showed up again so I’m doing the book again – I don’t know – it doesn’t make much sense in casual conversation.

So I’m watching as my goals and to do lists fall away. I’m left only with the thoughts that present themselves in the moment. The projects in life are out there but seem removed or at least not important right NOW. I can feel myself still struggling with the non-definition and nothingness of life – but that’s what’s up right now so that’s what I’m “doing.”

Nouk: Well…Seems you’re losing your ability to RESPOND as you did previously, it’s falling away. This happened to me too. Funny how when we’re asked perfectly normal definitive (ego) questions, that it leaves us speechless at this stage. No clue how to answer as we had previously. Weird! I remember when my Make-up Artist career died after years of living the Course. At public gatherings people would ask, “What do you for a living?” And I would say sheepishly (at first), “As little as possible!” And the braver I became, the more confidently I’d say things like, ” I have no idea where I’m going and I’m learning to DO and PLAN as little as possible these days.” Oh! the surprise and bewilderment on people’s faces made it quite the laugh for me!

Like you, all I can do now is to be pretty much quiet and to enjoy their stories. Joining them at the level of the HEART and not so much in the stories themselves. You’re doing an amazing job of living through this weird phase where much is being re-ordered; but not sure what it’s going to look like. The nothingness of life must be SEEN first before “LIFE” itself can be fully surrendered to. It’s part of the transfer of trust from ego self, world/past – through to Holy Self, expression/now.

Eli: Anyway, what do both of you think about continuing the trialogue?

Carrie: I would have thought it didn’t feel right to continue (since I’m in this caterpillary holding pattern where it doesn’t feel right to teach ACIM or anything else). But funnily enough I was on the front page of my own website today, and I happened to notice the button for Our Joining…and I felt a funny little wave of longing for it. There are things I’d love to talk about, just not the topics we were on before. I’d love to discuss what it might look like to be on this path while no longer making an enemy of the ego mind, for instance.

Eli: What subtitle would we use to reflect your discussion interests – something like Our Joining, Practical Discussions about Non-Duality? I guess that’s a bit academic. Or Practical Discussions about Our Oneness?

Carrie: How about…OUR JOINING: A practical exploration of Oneness

Nouk: I love the idea of the new blog title! This really opens it up. And while I’m learning in leaps and bounds, it’s still what “J” teaches in the Course but…it really goes beyond what the intellectual (ego) interpretation has been so far. It sure will be nice to have a forum to discuss this ongoing learning…

Eli: OK then, Alla Prossima (until the next time)!

Physicality

Eli: Let’s get started. Or as we would say in Italy, eccoci. This is the cutest expression for me. “Ecco” is pronounced like the English “echo” and basically means “here is.” When you place it with a pronoun, for example, with “me” or “mi” in Italian, it turns into “eccomi” or “here I am.” With “you” or “ti” in Italian, it means “here you are,” and so forth. In this case, as we gather together for the discussion, I’m using “we” or “ci” (pronounced “chee”) so it becomes “here we are” or “eccoci.” “Ecco” brings to mind “echo” as it’s used in the Course about what we see, or who we are, like an “Echo of God’s Love.”

So here we are for a new conversation about one of my favourite topics, physicality. I realize as an ACIM student, physicality, or as Carrie calls it, the 3D gig, has a very bad reputation. This is not our home. We have made it all up. It’s not real. It’s the ego’s territory. What else can we say about it to lower it’s status in our minds? I realize our intention is to see beyond physicality, to go to Truth, to know we are not here. But I wonder if we’re missing the point of these 3D lessons? We are creating all this for a reason. Which one(s)? The transcendence of physicality, I find, comes much faster and easier if we simply acknowledge what’s HERE and then forgive/release. By trying to look/be beyond physicality without seeing what is shoving itself in our faces, we could be overstepping an important if not essential healing opportunity. Anyway, the terrain can be slippery. What are your thoughts?

Carrie: I agree, of course. In my experience the stuff of our 3-D existence (both the stuff that’s right on the surface of everyday life, as well as the deeply buried unconscious gunk) must be seen clearly for what it is – or rather, for what it isn’t – and then released. And that’s a totally different thing from skipping over it to pretend it isn’t there.

To wake up permanently is to authentically accept the truth that nothing in this world is real. To truly accept this ultimate truth, however, we have to honestly believe it through and through. In our hearts as well as in our minds. But if we’ve been skipping over what we believe deep in our hearts (that bodies and things and circumstances are real), and merely telling ourselves the world isn’t real… then we’re not making much headway. Because deep down, we haven’t been challenging those mistaken beliefs and releasing them. We’ve just been denying them.

To challenge a mistaken belief about the world, we first have to acknowledge it. Not give it “reality,” but acknowledge we’re affected by it. And then we ask for divine Help because we want to see this misperception clearly. We don’t want to be fooled by it any longer – we recognize that our misperception is causing us pain. And we stick with this attempt to perceive through the eyes of ultimate truth until we get to the bottom of our own error, authentically see it as a mistaken belief, and willingly release it. By releasing it, it then allows Spirit to heal this particular misperception for good.

That’s how it goes for me, anyway. I find that healing of my specific beliefs in 3-D is necessary, because if these misperceptions don’t get healed, I believe in them too strongly to be able to release them. And If I can’t release them, I guess I won’t be waking up and authentically accepting ultimate truth anytime soon, will I? So I’m all about examining every mistakenly held belief that comes up, and then releasing it for healing. That’s why I spend so much time talking about my own misperceptions (my belief in my own frailties) when I teach.

Nouk: Eli, as you said this is very slippery subject! Those first few years of studying ACIM, I made the common mistake of ‘intellectualizing’ the Course. You know…” I am not a body, I am free, etc.” Of course I had no idea of the truth of this statement but was just mouthing the words hoping that the affirmations would take effect. So much ends up being denied. I think what happens in the earlier stages of undoing is that we hope the spiritual ride will make a better ‘me’ and a happier dream. But the last thing the personal self accepts is that spiritual awakening is the end of ‘me;’and the beginning of true BEING without fear, limitations or suffering. And we’re often temporarily disappointed when our ‘physical world’ including the ‘me’ tends to change or seem to fall apart. Later, when gratitude, insight and trust grow, we’re so happy to leave the suffering behind…we’re a lot clearer and see that most of what we previously valued in the 3-D world was causing all the suffering.

From where I am now I can see that we start the ‘undoing’ journey intellectually and as our trust in Love increases, our reliance on the personal self diminishes and is transferred to our Holy Self. It’s an organic process that involves a total flip of how we perceive the 3-D world including our identity. The only way to do this is ‘experientially’ – it’s in living through the undoing of all our beliefs and values that we grow in gratitude and peace.

I found that the aspects of my life that I was most attached to, or affected by (including those parts that I desperately tried to avoid), were in themselves the perfect catalysts for undoing fear (ego). Everything at the physical level, I later recognized, when given to Spirit to reinterpret, is totally perfect and/or delightfully transformed.

For me, like most of us, I used to believe that happiness and security was gained through getting them from outside, i.e. relationships, family, career, etc. I also believed that I had to protect myself from common threats like betrayal, financial loss, ill health, accidents, etc. In short I still believed that the world was being done to me. And it took a number of years to accept that the world was being done by me; that the source of all that seemed to affect me, came from my very own split-mind.

Until then, I had compartmentalized my life. I saw it like a pizza with many slices and each slice represented a particular value, relationship or project. One slice was my past. Another was my future. The one thing all these slices had in common was that “I” (Nouk’s ego) had PLANS. I had GOALS and I had EXPECTATIONS for each of these. Looking back, I see that while I was studying the Course, I had my very own agendas running as well. And this is a trap that many fall into. It’s a blind-spot. We say, “Sure, I want to awaken from suffering, but let me pursue my goals as well.” Ah…well, excuse me?” We can’t have both! I learned that we can’t experience God’s infinite Love consistently – AND – still choose our own hierarchy of illusions (idols). These guys are mutually exclusive, LOL! Our true purpose comes into awareness later, as our blocks to Love decrease. And then there’s no confusion about fulfilling it perfectly. We are guided from within…

I used to see suffering in the world and in myself. There was so much to “do” in order to fix the world, especially to fix ‘me.’ But it took a while and many mistakes for me to recognize that ALL problems came from the ego. And then equally as long to surrender my need to problem solve and instead, to trust that all problems are solved by the one answer – forgiveness. It’s a laugh now to see how the world solves problems. First it joins with the problem by identifying that it needs a real (ego) solution. It sees it as a real threat. “Well…hello?” Wait a minute! God’s Love is all-encompassing. That means there is nothing other than LOVE, period. So if God’s Love is all there is…then how real is the seeming problem? It’s either completely real – which means there is no God and Love does not exist. Or, the problem is a hallucination, purely an “appearance” trying to trick us into joining with it by resisting or trying to fix it independently of the Holy Spirit. Only ONE is real…God’s Love or ego’s fear.

In trying to solve problems independently of Holy Spirit, we unknowingly create more muck, more reinforcement against God’s Love in our awareness. When we try to independently problem solve we take it upon our self (ego) to remedy the problem, all the while the ego’s undivided mantra is: “Seek but do not find.” I reckon this is particularly hilarious! Trying to fix our world traps us into being limited by ego’s laws and while they predominate in our awareness there is little room for God’s uninterrupted Law of Love to over-rule suffering on our behalf. Many students know this but still fall into the ego’s trap. I am still learning how to negotiate those times when fear grabs me by the throat. Jesus says repeatedly in the Course in different ways how undisciplined our minds are and that to be free of fear, we must first learn to recognize the ego and to deny the ego’s threats. When fear leaps up now (or frustration, sadness, etc), I recognize immediately that if it’s not Love, Peace or Joy – then it’s the ego. Next? I affirm that it’s a total illusion and deny that it has power over God’s Love. Next? I choose Holy Spirit’s perception to replace fear. Included in this step is acceptance of ‘what is’; not trying to jump out of discomfort through the ego’s means. However the denial of fear, the choice to surrender my belief (investment) in its reality, is my responsibility not Spirit’s.

A huge insight I’ve received lately comes from Jesus’ teaching that ‘you cannot forgive that which you still believe is real.’ This…is quite profound in its logic. What this means is that everything we fear or resist, we must still believe is real. And while we believe it’s a power other than God, we cannot forgive it (surrender it for Spirit’s re- interpretation). Forgiveness can’t take effect until we sincerely choose to dis-believe that there is an “appearance” that is more powerful than God’s Love. When we make the mistake of believing in an “appearance” other than Love then in effect, we hoard it and keep it apart from Spirit’s healing – by our acceptance of: a) it being a power other than Love, and b) it being a power to hurt us. That is why I’m so gung-ho on prioritizing denial of anything not of God’s Love the power to hurt me. I’ve learned that this is a crucial step in Jesus’ forgiveness process.

The 3-D world can be pretty damned convincing! I am learning that I still need to acknowledge whatever seems to present itself, but the most important step in healing is to choose not to ‘believe’ it anymore. This is important regardless of the area to be healed, i.e. the body, a relationship, our financial state, etc.

Carrie: Wow! This is wonderful, Nouk!! Thank you!

Eli: You are both articulating the movement from (intellectual) understanding to (viscerally) realizing. It is indeed an organic process, a roll up your sleeves and get muddy kind of route – but I find it works for me that way – to dive into the wave so to speak. Hey, here I am again with the surfing metaphor. LOL!!!!!!!!!!!! I told you Gidget is never too far away! (see Trialogue Commitment June/11). Following our triangle/surfing discussion, when I do fall off my surfboard, I try to dive deeply into what’s causing so much havoc instead of getting splashed and trashed to pieces on the surface?!?!?

I’ve got a good case in point coming up this week. After 5 operations surrounding breast cancer, I’ve been scheduled for a routine bone scan. I’ve done it before and it’s a fairly weird experience. I enter the Nuclear Medicine zone (as they call it here in Italy). I have some kind of radioactive liquid shot into me. Then I sit in a waiting room with a few others and drink two litres of water over the course of 90 minutes, during which time I’m supposed to urinate at least twice in a special toilet. Once this radioactive stuff is all the way through my system, I get into this tube-type thing and have a camera take a picture of all my bones, picking up on any cancer that may have metastasized. After the test the doctors recommend I stay away from pregnant women and small children because for about 24 hours because I’m toxic. Hmm, sounds like perfect material for stress and tears. At the same time my husband and I just looked at a new house to buy with a beautiful orchard, a gorgeous view of the city, lovely interior spaces – gorgeous. Splash. Splash. Splash. There’s every opportunity!

But like you are both saying, the world is not being done to us, we (our minds) are doing it to ourselves. In this case I forgive BOTH the bone scan AND the house. My work is to stay in the peace of God’s Love. The rest will take care of itself.

This phase of having our own expectations and goals ALONG with AWAKENING is really a good point. You can’t have both. In this case, I could so so so easily ask Holy Spirit to give me good results from the bone scan and help us buy that house…..and there I go, off on another tangent, even though what I really want is much beyond anything physical. Nevertheless it’s through these “physical mirrors” I see what hurdles I’m placing in my path to continue to identify myself as a separate self. I can see what is there (or really not there) to be forgiven and released.

Eli:(a day later) The experience yesterday with the bone scan was amazing. The nurses seemed all in a bad mood. The special toilets to flush away the radioactive liquid during the morning weren’t working correctly. I had to wait and wait and wait and wait. Some of the waiting was expected, in that I had to drink a lot of water after the injection to hydrate my body. But I waited much more than was planned. I had brought lots of books with me so I had stuff to do. But after almost 4 hours, very frustrated, I just put everything down and closed my eyes.

Boom – a saw a fist come out of me and Jesus was right there. My words were quick and darting. “What the fuck was this SURPRISE supposed to be.” “So that’s the issue, surprise” said Jesus. “Yes you’re damn fucking right that’s the issue. After all I’ve done, after all I’ve been through, I have to do THIS again.” I went on and on and on. When my words were done tumbling out, I felt quiet and I heard “Elizabeth you said you wanted to come Home. No surprises are intended. No surprises are needed.”

I opened my eyes. The nurse came in and called my name. It was time for the test. I was put into a kind of half tube with my arms and legs strapped down. The camera mechanism was placed into position automatically so I could hear the slight hum of a machine coming closer and closer. I was completely closed in at the very beginning and the top of the tube-like camera thing was right at the tip of my nose. It had a white surface so it wasn’t entirely claustrophobic-feeling but it was still pretty creepy. I closed my eyes. Jesus was (still) right there. He said “I’ll do this. There’s no need for you to be here too.” I heard myself say “No, they need MY x-ray.” I actually had a reaction like the doctors would mistake me for Him.…………………………………………… HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA. I smiled and smiled and smiled and imagined myself dancing around the room for the next 15 minutes while the test was going on, every once in a while opening my eyes to see that white faced tube and giggle again because there was no “me” in the pictures they were taking of my bone structure.

This morning I feel pretty out of it. I just want to be quiet and do some mundane things. I feel electric, like every single vibration is me or I am IN it. I can’t get my bearings. And it’s not exactly comfortable – even though I can’t remember what WAS comfortable that I want to return to.

You know what? I feel my death through the cancer. It is a very real possibility for me. I mean, I don’t feel the cancer, per se. But I feel a death. I would like to say it’s symbolic for the ego but I can’t honestly say that – it feels like an end.

When healing comes, there’s also a sense of disbanding. What was so important in terms of following my heart, following my passion, following my desire, doing, discovering, being, then disappears and a nothingness settles in. There’s a closure with healing, a dissolution. I know it’s supposed to be a good sign but at the moment it feels disconcerting and strange. My concern for my children seems always at the forefront. I want to be sure they will be taken care of in case of my death.

Nouk: Thank you for sharing the latest with us, Eli. Seems to me that you’re really going through a great period of Undoing. I loved the part where you said that Jesus told you to step aside (body) and let Him be the Dweller within it while the scan went on. This – is a miracle. Like He says, “Give me all that is not important (body) and he always takes care of what is important.

I must be honest, I’m not feeling too enthused about what you said re feeling a possible physical death. This is a common feeling when the ego is being annihilated; it always opts for physical death above awakening. Something “thudded” inside instead of “pinged” for me, when you said the following: If you had said that you knew without a doubt, that your sons are perfectly safe and taken care of (that you TRUSTED them, their sovereignty and safety in God) regardless of what happens, then I’d sense that it is your Holy Self beneath the “ego-death’ feelings (not physical death). However I sense that there remains an “Eli”, a personal self who still believes that she is largely responsible for her children’s well-being? This uninvestigated belief in itself, could precipitate the ego’s propulsion toward physical death, using the myth of cancer to do it. Forgive me, but this issue (that you still believe that YOU are your children’s primary guardian instead of surrendering this role to the perfect Holy Spirit in each of them), could be the perfect ego road-block, a blind spot, that’s calling to be re-interpreted by Spirit. The unconscious ego wants your physical death; that’s an absolute. Your greatest fear? Your children’s well-being in case of your death. Now what’s a mean-minded little ego to do with this, as long as it remains undiscovered consciously? What we fear, we defend ourselves against which translates to us expecting it. And what we expect becomes an idol that we invite into physicality…hence your attraction to and feelings of possible physical death. It’s a vicious cycle that ego! Look at the fear for your children…this, of all things, appears to be a core (ego) idol that needs to be thoroughly surrendered for Spirit’s re-interpretation.

Eli: Yes Nouk, I was filled with the same thoughts this weekend. My husband and I went on two long hikes. I did a lot of reflecting. We talked about our sons and how they will be alright no matter what. And then I let myself go into nothingsville all weekend – a kind of nowhere/nothing in which Eli/my body/cancer/EVERYTHING didn’t matter. At the end of the weekend, I found myself spread out on a meadow up on the top of an enormously tall mountain with wild flowers, bees, grass all about. I didn’t know where I stopped and the sky started. It was all a big fat lovely Oneness. And I asked myself, why would I think that my role as guardian to the boys, or my role to be Eli in anyway is more than this? I don’t think I’m out of the dark yet with this issue – because I agree, it’s enough to manifest a physical death. It’s amazingly convincing for me and grabs me by the throat. But I had a taste of something else this weekend and I surrendered (at least while I was sitting on the mountaintop) to God. I gave Him my fears and my confusion. I gave Him my wanting to protect. I was quiet. Now I’m back home and trying to remember what I’m supposed to do to be Eli again. But I can’t…….

Nouk: What is Eli’s role now? This could be a big part of what fuels the fear, doubt and trepidation. Maybe together we could unravel the confusion and allay some of that fear. Only recently have I realized the ego’s significant intent of fear. It’s to make us believe that indeed, something is wrong. And when we believe this without surrendering it to Spirit we fall prey to more separation from the One Answer from Love. Because what lays under our un-relinquished fears is a more sinister and unconscious belief – that we are wrong (guilty) which translates to God is out to punish us.

So we secretly “expect” loss, disease, separation, etc. And then – we “accept” these as justifications for our own guilt and unworthiness, all the while secretly believing that God is responsible, not the ego. In believing the ego’s fear, that something is wrong instead of surrendering it to God’s Love, we end up perpetuating our crippling dependence on the personal self to remedy all seeming problems. This is insanity!

I guess the most shocking discovery for me (after 21 years of living ACIM), was just how MUCH we are terrified of God’s Love. Intellectually we say we’re into Love, Oneness, etc, but when the shit really hits the fan, like a visit from cancer or perhaps our children’s well-being is threatened – well, we immediately turn to the ego’s remedies to try to fix the “effect.” This is an effect that is causeless by the way! The ego does not exist as a cause, so how can it have a legitimate “effect?” God’s Love is the only Cause and we (Holy Self) are its Effects, almighty and powerful and under no laws but God’s. So why in hell do we still choose to problem solve through our own personal self? Why do we feel safer to trust the ego rather than God?

I’ve found through my own mistakes in this area, that I had, like nearly every other person, a deeply entrenched fear of God. I made a list of all my conscious fears. And then I projected them onto God. We all do it – it’s unconscious until we exhume it. The projection onto God tells us what we unconsciously still believe about God. Why we don’t trust in surrendering to God’s Love. For example, this is an old dialogue of mine:

Nouk (ego): I am fearful of disease and pain.
Ego’s projection onto God: God causes or allows disease and pain.
Nouk’s unconscious belief: I can’t trust God with disease and pain because I am guilty, unworthy and He will use disease and pain to teach me a lesson (punishment).
Remedy: Remember the Nature and Will of God is uninterrupted and all-encompassing Love and Joy. Would all-encompassing Love and Joy will an illusory opposite – pain and disease? Absolutely impossible! In remembering this, 1) I am God’s Nature and Will in expression and 2) I am eternally innocent and worthy regardless of illusory “appearances” of disease, loss or conflict, etc. My body, my children, etc are God’s responsibility, not mine. I quit trying to SAVE my life (or another’s), remembering that my only responsibility is to LIVE my life, trusting in Love.

Carrie: This is so clear and powerful, Nouk! Thank you for the concrete example.

Nouk: So another valuable insight I received lately is this. Whatever we cling to, try to protect (defend), try to get, or to resist (like disease) – is what we use specifically as a defense AGAINST God’s Love. We use our (special love) for our children as a defense against God’s Love (Awakening). Our well-meaning love looks so benign to the sleeping world, so “loving.” Apart from romantic relationships, the special parent/child relationship is about the biggest ego road-block we come up against. So much of our cherished ego-identity as a parent just has to be undone if one is sincerely committed to awakening from suffering. Otherwise it’s the old ego story again – we want to fulfill our own (ego) goals AS WELL AS awakening, and we can’t have both! They are mutually exclusive!

Carrie: That was my thought too…the parent/child bond is (understandably) the biggest imaginable block to awakening. I’ve often thought I can’t imagine the difficulty in releasing that illusion – of having/wanting to be the responsible parent above all else…where everything else must come second…including awakening. I selfishly breathe a sigh of relief that I’m not a mother in this life – that I didn’t choose the path of motherhood and then a few years later develop the desire to awaken and undo the “me” self. But I absolutely get what it means to be faced with the idea of letting go the identity of “Eli as protector.” It’s here that I happily hold your hand, as you uncover who you are without this reassuringly familiar and vitally important story about yourself and your role in the lives of your family.

Nouk: So Eli, I’m wondering if it feels right…maybe journal (privately) about your deepest fears concerning your sons? And maybe about your preconceived beliefs of what your “role” as a mother has been up till now. What exactly are you protecting (defending) your children from? Especially when all there is – is Love. Also, what fears arise when you think about Eli retiring her premiere guardian role as part of her awakening process (rather than allowing the ego’s attraction to physical death)? If she consciously and openly relinquishes responsibility to the Spirit in each of her sons -what does she fear will be lost? What if she sat them down and shared this change (resigning as chief guardian in order to save her life) with them, speaking not as mother to child, but as Spirit to Spirit? No levels, no specialness, just authentic trust in their Spirit. An empowering pledge of allegiance in trust for you, in recognizing “WHO” they really are beneath the illusion. Funny…in doing this, it’s entirely possible that Eli sees ‘”WHO” she is too! That’s the miracle…

You said this, I see “Eli” as not only resigning her bulldozer which was part of this. (see Sharing In Between April/11). But I feel that Eli is also being re-interpreted at an entirely different level by the Grace Within as she must have asked. So it’s perfectly ok NOT to remember what Eli was supposed to do. Because the concept of Eli is being divinely re-ordered in her perception, and it can be mighty uncomfortable to have your bearings shifted like this. However there is comfort in recognizing that this – is part of the necessary metamorphosis from caterpillar to glorious butterfly!

Carrie: Yes. Yes. And yes. Thank you, Nouk.

Nouk: I am so full of gratitude for you, Eli, for your incredible courage to look at this and to be open to more change. As you heal, we all heal with you…

Eli: Sometimes I feel that one of the main reasons I came to Italy was to see this masterpiece, La Pietà (meaning Piety) by Michelangelo at the Vatican museum in Rome. My knees got weak when I stood in front of it. Mary’s body, especially her shoulders are what struck me. She is a large strong woman. I identified so much how she cups her son in her body. The body of Jesus is smaller and limp. She is holding him across her lap with one palm faced upward asking for guidance at such a painful moment – one of our worst fears – the death of a child.

If we wanted to get off on a tangent of past lives, I have immense identification with Maria, the mother. The idea of watching her son die on the cross brings me to tears every time. Just having to stand by and not protect Him terrorizes and haunts me. I am crying as I write.

But I can see after my long stretch under the sun on the mountaintop yesterday that a central issue for me is not really Eli as protector. It’s in forgiving my own mother.

My mother was very young when she married and once she had three kids, a beautiful house in the suburbs, a successful engineer husband, and life in the middleclass to look forward to, she wanted to leave. I grew up with my father and two brothers and a flaming-ass feminist perspective on life. I hated men, hated patriarchal ways, hated everything. I walked around with my two middle fingers up just to shoo people away. I remember one t-shirt I had in particular that read: “I’m a woman and can bleed for days and never die.” LOL! I was NOT going to get married. I was NOT going to have kids. I was NOT going to be captivated in a heterosexual procreation mode. God, what anger I carted around. It’s exhausting just to think about it.

My mother’s leaving was so painful for me I could feel the sorrow enter me and meld my insides. It felt like a sculptor’s grotesque illusions had gotten a hold of my inners and twisted them permanently into his own making. I was so full of anger and rage I did the exact opposite of a radical feminist and became a very hurtful seductress, doing everything I could to steal men from their women. I had a trail of hurtful broken relationships and a determination to fuck the world.

The anger finally started to heal when I decided to sell all my belongings and head out on a viaggio with no destination and no time frame. I became a traveller. My book Taste of Grace begins once I set out on my own. What I discovered was the nothingness of the desert and my first profound experience of peace of mind. From there I could not deny my desire for God any longer and began a journey I am still on today! I smile at my determination.

A trip to India helped crush my “tam tam” pace to damage everything I could. But mostly it was just learning to stop. The Santa Fe winds helped me to simply be still. I also spent a period not speaking to my mother, not speaking to anyone in my family for that matter. But I slowly moved out of the seduction, out of the dependence to do damage, and out of the unbearable pain.

I came to Italy and the story is goofy and long at this point but I met my husband Mauro – the exact opposite of anything I could have thought up in my heady radical feminist days. I’ve always told him that if the dictionary had “nice-guy” as a word, his image would be there. He is a partner who has seen me through more phases than I can count and could care less if I continued to change. It doesn’t matter what I do or how. He’ll accept absolutely anything. All he wants is to be by my side.

We had two sons together and all of a sudden I found myself in the house with three men – just like when my mother left. A button was pushed and I flipped out. I couldn’t take it and wanted out. I was walking anger once again and saw only black wherever I looked. Those were dark days, coupled by very little sleep and hatred even for my children.

Then I decided I would NOT do what my mother did to me – I would NOT leave my husband and children. I would LOVE and PROTECT them. Somehow, I was beginning to enjoy being with the family. We had some lovely vacations in that period. I was even starting to see happiness peak through the curtains. What happened? Breast cancer – two operations and 6 months of chemotherapy. All that composed me became unravelled. I finished that year of medical intervention a fraction of my former self.

Interestingly the person who was the most help to me became my mother. She would come visit for long periods and take care of the children when I had no energy to do so myself. She and her husband bought an apartment above ours so that they could come stay comfortably and have their own space. My mother invited the children for a month at a time to come visit in the States so that I could have time alone with Mauro. She followed the boys’ development with me, helped me with mothering, was the first to give suggestions and help whenever anything was needed. And she became the worlds’ best grandmother.

When the cancer came back I knew it would be my mother who would help take care of our boys if anything were to happened to me. She would be mother to my sons for me. The forgiveness lesson is so deep and so overpowering, it takes my sculpted inners and wipes them totally clean, like a smoothed over rock in shallow calm water. My tears are a river now. Maria’s shoulders and girth are of little importance. I am concentrating only on the palm that points to God.

Oh, by the way, did I tell you the name of the street where I do all my cancer therapy in Trieste? Via Pietà.

Carrie: I’m well familiar with Michelangelo’s Pieta. Funnily enough, I actually spoke of it in Long Time No See, although not by name. In “Christ in art & fashion” I said…above all, lots and lots of white-marble grieving for the dead body of Christ… and this was the piece I was actually thinking of.

What beautiful roles you and your mother have had in each others’ lives. Beautiful as teachers, beautiful as students, and then finally as nurturing mother and daughter.

Nouk: Thank you Eli for sharing, I can “feel” your movement, your willingness to step-back before surrendering. This is monumental. Healing is taking place…

Eli: Images of mothers and mothering are all about me. I’m aware of how we use that figure (even more than the stereotypic strength of the man/father) for our well being and protection. The church has used that role of Maria so well to symbolize our loss, our pain. I can see my interest is having children to somehow NOT do what my mother did and then DO exactly that, only to have my own mother save me from the role of saviour. It all comes full circle. Forgiving my mother. Forgiving the role of mothering feels central to my healing.

Digging still deeper to the need to defend and protect (from God – insanity I know but that’s what I’m doing). That is such a huge insight. I can be such a big strong personality. It seems like I can take any issue and form a popular movement?! I was always go go go go. And with my children, it was going to be PERFECT. Ugh. I can’t tell you the screaming sessions I’ve had with them. Giving all this, allllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll this to God is an amazingly monstrous weight. It’s funny, I’ve been having trouble with pain in my right knee the past month or so. It’s like my legs are buckling under a weight I can’t see. I want to stay the protector, an all-encompassing point of reference for my sons. Yet I can’t do it. I can’t muscle it. I simply can’t do it.

It’s been a blessing to have had this month without the boys. I have my mother once again to thank (more forgiveness lessons). She invites them to come to the States for a month every summer. There has been ample time to be with Mauro and just with myself. I love the members of my family but this grip has got to open. The One holding the boys, holding me, is not me myself. It is much much more than who I am. I loosen my grip to let It hold all of us together. Step by step.

Nouk: Yes, forgiving the ‘mother’ is a biggie! I remember my traumatic mother/daughter relationship, the love/hate cycle. Most of my own dysfunctional parenting of our daughter Rikki in her early childhood, came from me TRYING to be the mother that mine was not. I had to forgive the lot! But the lesson I’ve learned is that surrender is the gateway to healing. And to the experience of a Love that reaches way beyond the limitations of our personal mothering ‘agenda’. Release, let go, surrender and trust…the very last thing any mother wants to do.

I am so glad to hear of your open-eyed meditative witnessing! I feel this state truly opens a portal to receiving great insights and strengthens out trust in Love much, much more.

Let us know how the test results go, although I feel you’re already healed!

Eli: I meditated on my kids last night and my older son looked right at me and said “We know who you are (speaking on behalf of himself and his younger brother). We are here to awaken too.”

I have always been aware that my mother wanted to be more than a mother. Usually I find mothers want to disguise that and present their mothering abilities first to their children. My mom let it be known that this role was not the sum of herself. It was a lot to handle when I was young but I can see she pushed me to the edge of questioning the all-ness of that role. I am overflowing with thankfulness at the moment.

Nouk: Wow, your oldest son is quite an old soul! Your boys ‘see’ you; they recognize that the all-ness of their mother lay beyond the mother role. They must sense there is a purpose that truly surpasses that of being their earthly mother.

I feel that a significant piece of the ‘undoing’ of our false self, beliefs and values comes in the form of being challenged to source our own authenticity. After all, our true purpose is to ‘know thyself’ but the ego’s got us so damned distracted that this is often the last mission we ever choose to accomplish, LOL! So much is unconsciously invested in the roles that we play such as parent, lover, child, etc. Whilst we maintain certain rules and obligations in order to play these roles, we keep ourselves from ever asking the billion dollar ego-busting question: “What is this for?” Is it to awaken and prioritize peace above all? Is it being used as a consistent means to apply forgiveness and awaken – or is it to fulfill the ego’s expectations and keep us from knowing our SELF?

I guess my daughter Rikki, was about 9 years old when I had a series of mind-blowing and life-altering visions. I think I had been a fairly average mother who intended to complete her obligation to put her daughter’s needs first above all else…until God came calling. The call to awaken hit me hard and fast. Suddenly I was being summoned to break the bounds of all my beliefs and the role of ‘mother’, as sacred as it was to me, had to be totally re-interpreted. And that meant surrendering the role as I knew it up till then.

I felt called to leave home, to leave Australia and go to the USA to pursue the visions that I had experienced. I did this in stages over a few years. This meant leaving Rikki in the care of her father, Tomas. The ego was outraged, especially family and friends at first. However this was a calling beyond anything I’d ever experienced before. I wanted to know God, and I knew that if I placed this goal above all else, Rikki’s wellbeing would be taken care of.

While Rikki knew without a doubt that her mother had prioritized ‘awakening from fear’ as her number one goal, she still found this challenging. We communicated frequently during that time and there really were no gaps in our open sharing. We both didn’t know how it would all pan out. This was a walk of trust with no expectations. And as for the outcome now? I asked Rikki if she would have changed any of the past and she’s adamant that it was all so perfect for us in the end. We all grew, we became so immensely close and our trust in God’s Love now, totally eclipses anything the ego dreams up to throw at us.

So the path of awakening helped us stretch our perception of what we’re really here to do in this life, beyond all roles and limitations…and I wouldn’t have it any other way! The outcome of undoing fear is the experience of a level of Joy and Love that we never had before…it’s absolutely miraculous to say the least!

Eli: Thank you Nouk. There are such fears and expectations we put onto parenting. I have experienced my deepest rage in the family setting – both as a child who was “left” by her mother and being a mother/wife myself.

For me the main shift in exploring myself as more than my role as mommy came with the writing of my book. To do the work, I woke up in the very early hours of the morning. I needed extended alone and quiet time. My young sons got used to seeing me at the computer during those early hours, and they knew it was a time Mom needed to be alone. Little by little, the writing time extended into a morning meditation. I would sit on the couch for ½ or so. The family just knew, with no explanation from me, that this was a time not to disturb Mommy. Interestingly I often notice my sons including some time for silence in the morning as well. They get up to eat breakfast, get dressed, then as they’re making their beds, they pull up the sheets and get under the bedspread covering themselves completely just for a moment to be quiet and alone. They stay there for 5 minutes or so. Without saying anything, the others in the family know not to disturb the person under the covers. I see this as their time in total silence. Makes me smile!!!

My older son blew me away when he was 8 during a conversation at dinner. He has a tendency to look on the dark side of things (like all of us). So I challenged him to say something nice about each person in his family. When he got to my name, he said, “I like that you believe in a nice God.” So even though I see my meditations and writing as solitary time, there are deep ramifications for all of us.

Interestingly we just got a call from the boys’ 19 year old cousin who lives in Central Italy. He is a lovely young man and we all enjoy his company. He grew up with his mother since his parents divorced when he was an infant. He has always had a super close relationship with his mother and now that he’s getting to be an adult, he really wants some space. (The typical practice for Italian youth is to remain at home with parents until at least the age of 30). Instead of going to the university in his hometown, he would like to apply in Trieste and pursue his interests here near us. We have an extra apartment upstairs that could easily accommodate him. Having another person who can drive, etc. in the family will help with logistics if I am out of town – the answer to my question about pursuing interests other than my family role.

As you were mentioning Nouk, there are so many fears around the subject of parenting. Seeing the world as a loving place for your children and others as capable of loving them is a miraculous step. My younger son just got back from a month with his grandparents (my mother and her husband in the States). He is calling me grandma at the moment because that’s who was his main point of reference for the past month. It’s so clear from the intonation of his voice that he was as comfortable with grandma as he is with me. It is such a release to NOT be the one and only care giver to our sons.

As the month with grandma was drawing to a close, I noticed a few calls from my mom for advise regarding some issues that had come up with the boys. I giggled to think my mother was calling me to get help in parenting my kids. My boys are now around the age I was (along with two brothers) when she left. I can see she enjoys parenting this age of child with her (second) husband. They do things like a family of four. Everything circles back around for healing. I’m humbled at the forgiveness opportunities.

Carrie: Eli, I realize I’ve been largely absent from much of this discussion. I confess I don’t know why, but the flow of divine inspiration has just shut off completely in terms of me continuing to participate in this trialogue. I don’t know what the reason is. I don’t know if I just need a break, or if it’s a permanent thing, or what. I guess we’ll just have to see what unfolds. Of course my ego mind has been in fits over this – I don’t want to disappoint you or frustrate you or make you mad at me – and most of all, I don’t want you to think I’m a flake. A big part of my self-identity is being the low-drama professional. I always fulfil my commitments. I always give it 100% effort.

So I’ve just been sitting back calmly, watching my ego-self do its thing…but really, there’s nothing I could/would do about it, even if I gave in & started believing in those ego stories. I’m only meant to write things for public consumption that are powered by the undercurrent of spiritual inspiration. If I don’t feel it, I don’t write it. Or if I stop feeling it in mid project, I put the piece aside. It just feels instantly wrong to continue with it when that happens.

Eli: Ok Carrie. Let’s see what happens.

Oh, yes, by the way, I was at the hospital today for another exam and I saw my plastic surgeon. She asked how I was and said she could pull up my file to see the results of the bone scan immediately, which she did. No sign of “mass” anywhere. I’m all clear.

Dear Reader: These trialogues have a tendency to take on a form completely unexpected, this time even more so. At the end of the discussion, Carrie got the strong sensation it was time to be quiet, and most likely her participation will be on hold for now. As well, Nouk would like a period of silence with more time to write.

Before I started crying about being left on the dance floor with no partner(s), I had a flash of including different people in each discussion! And Nouk immediately passed on some names, starting with Julia Day www.iahp.com/julia–day and www.OnlyLoveIs.org. So I’ll be starting up a conversation on applying ACIM principles to our lives again in Sept/11. We’ll wait and find out with whom. See you then!

Commitment

Dear Reader: May/11 was a big month for all three of us. Eli had her breast reconstruction operation. Nouk took her very first backpacking trip at the age of 54 into the Grand Canyon to release Tomas Vieira’s ashes (see Sharing In Between May/11). And Carrie conducted her first all day workshop entitled The Enlightenment Project in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. As our conversation began, Carrie was giving us a bit of a rundown from her recent trip.

Carrie: Well the events leading up to my workshop were amazing: flights cancelled due to weather; stranded in Dallas; obtaining the very last available rental car in all of Dallas/Ft. Worth Int’l airport; Steve driving through incredible lightning storms and torrential rain for 10 hours (we thought it would be 5 hours when we decided to drive); arriving in Baton Rouge at 6am (sans luggage – it was on a cancelled flight somewhere, didn’t know which one). And, oddly, it was all a grand adventure; quite calm & perfect exactly as it was. As I told the assembled group (30 people – some had driven from as far away as Houston to be there, which I think is 5 hours), it’s every girl’s dream to conduct her first workshop while wearing yesterday’s underwear & no makeup, having had no sleep. But it was all perfect. All the armor, all the preparation was gone. We had a fabulous day together. And afterward — there are no words to explain this —  I had the feeling a new gate or new doorway had opened for me. Everything is perfect.

Eli: Carrie, your story……mammamia!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There’s an irreverence about you that just tickles me. I can’t get enough of it, really. No matter what physicality, or as you call the 3D gig, throws at you, you’re game.

Carrie: LOL! Yes, that actually feels like an appropriate number of exclamation points. And on the other hand, at the same time, it didn’t feel extraordinary at all, and so requires no special punctuation!

Eli: You are such needed company for this lone pilgrim in me. I find such joy in you.

Carrie: It’s mutual, bella. Lone pilgrims unite!

Nouk: Carrie, reading your email made me cry. Yes…the sheer “surrender” of it all, that’s what made me cry out of recognition. Thank you Carrie for your uncompromising one-mindedness…what a lesson in Love! Oh my, what a time that must have been? And I can sense there were many miracles in there too.

Eli: Nouk, your story about your trip into the Grand Canyon (Sharing In Between May/11) was very moving. I know the Grand Canyon. I know the Southwest. I know its foliage. I know it’s magic. I know the reverence you spoke of. While I love my life here in Italy I often return to the Southwest in my thoughts for comfort and awe. Your descriptions brought forward a kind of nostalgia that went beyond the landscape to another knowing, another returning. It’s a very very deep place within me, and going there made the tears flow.

Nouk: Yes…the Canyon has a deep mystical lure that, if in tune, you just cannot help but be captivated by. I don’t know that words can convey its magic. It’s always brought me to my knees in prayer (and tears of such reverence) with feelings of surrender and humility. I’m so glad you feel it too.

Carrie: Nouk, your description of what took place points the way to something that’s far beyond words. It’s been causing little resonant reverberations within me ever since reading it. Thank you again. And Eli, how are you feeling after your surgery?

Eli: My recuperation time from the operation last week has surprised everyone, even me. Except the fact I sweat a lot (no doubt the body’s attempt to eliminate the anaesthesia), I feel almost back to normal. (Note to the Reader – for a more detailed account of Eli’s breast cancer and time in the hospital see http://elizabethgriffin.wordpress.com/)

Carrie: That’s absolutely amazing and wonderful and quite unheard of, Eli! Almost back to normal!

Nouk: I’m so very happy! I sort of knew this was going to be a quick recuperation…our prayers came true!

Eli: Well, let’s get started on our scheduled theme for the trialogue – COMMITMENT. I guess at a time we all have very heavy commitments in our lives, it’s a good time to talk about it.

Nouk: Ok then, here goes…Before I launch into my present understanding and phase of commitment, can I share some background with you? Might make better sense then…

Before A Course in Miracles, I used to be committed to me, to the ‘image’ I had of myself at the time. Everyone and everything that was seemingly ‘out there’ was undeniably hinged on my commitment to upholding my story to date, my beliefs and values. Even the good-girl image that I tried so desperately to cultivate was part of this commitment to an image of my self and not the truth. As a result, I became an adept people-pleaser and rarely missed an obligation or duty. The outcome of this was increasing resentment and passive-aggressive behavior that became more difficult to disguise. Not to mention the nagging feelings of disconnection, anxiety and victimization. Oh, and did I include depression? Not a pretty life, lol!

The dawning of the Course in my life initiated a new commitment. I thought the purpose was to become an even better ‘me’ and was totally perplexed when I recognized that it would really be the UNDOING of me. I thought increased self-esteem was a good thing until I saw that the self being ‘esteemed’ was the ego…what a trip! So this new commitment was about honesty…specifically, self-honesty. “Who was the real Nouk under all this fake people-pleasing crap?” “Oh God, what did Nouk really want?” Then the deeper fears of rejection flew in… “Who would Nouk be without other’s approval?” Or even worse, “Once Nouk expressed her new found authenticity wouldn’t her family and friends reject her?” and “Who and what would she lose as a result?”

And so, of necessity, began a new era: My commitment to authenticity. But firstly I wanted to follow Spirit, hear Spirit’s guidance… “Couldn’t I just cut to the chase and dodge the painful bit of learning to be authentic? I mean, come on…there’s just so much to lose, to sacrifice here if I piss too many people off. And I’ll be even more alone than I am now.” But – it was impossible to deny the fact that a prerequisite to hearing Spirit’s guidance was to find and express my own authenticity. That meant dropping everything about me that was inauthentic and believe me…that was nearly everything! Dismally, I still tried to hear guidance while believing in both sacrifice and struggle, but to no avail. It seems that to hear Spirit, I had to forfeit the blocks to receiving it.

This is the recognition that my self (personal Nouk) along with its will – is the singular block to my awareness of Love’s infinite presence. So my commitment now is choosing unequivocally to perceive ONLY what’s real. And only Love is real. So anything else the personal self perceives is acknowledged, yes – but it’s not BELIEVED any longer. Remembering this and practicing it minute by minute is my present commitment.

While the first phase of commitment was to uphold my ‘image’ (ego) along with its beliefs and values, this current phase is about trusting a palpable sense of Guidance to inspire and instruct me. I couldn’t have come to this until after the image fell away and authenticity was found. There are still two voices in my mind but I can distinguish them easily now. Thank God the Holy Self is the stronger one finally!

And there you have it! Just to bring some balance back in now, I’m going to go do some gardening! And practice my commitment to denying anything not of God’s Love – the ability to hurt me; including the grasshoppers and caterpillars that are eating my lettuce! Lol!

Carrie: This is so fantastic! Let me sit with this a bit, I feel like it wants to germinate before I speak to it…

Eli: Thank you Nouk. I love your bursts of inspiration! But let’s look at this in stages. We talked about relationships in our first trialogue and this makes a perfect bridge from our last discussion. The first application most of us have for the word commitment is in a relationship context, in our loyalty or allegiance to another person. As you show in your book Take Me to Truth, Nouk, that focus can be brought back to self with the tenacious and intricate phase of seeing the other as a reflection of yourself.

What happens, though, when our focus begins to move more to self? I mean, it’s an essential step, to bring “life/relationships” back to the mind that created it/them and look at the source of their manifestation. At the same time, there’s a glimpse of a power beyond our individuality. I know we would all like to get instantly to the discovery of our Higher Self and be One with all. But there seem to be some important steps along the way. What happens during the detailed or even cathartic review of self as an individual? Carrie, you show this process very well in your book Long Time No See, Diaries of an Unlikely Messenger. There is a phase of personal inventory. When is it helpful and when does it turn into simply enhancing the ego self?

I guess we could call this the phase of interaction with who we are. This is a major theme in my book Taste of Grace. Once we discover the Light within, through meditation and personal experience, wouldn’t it be great if we could just BE LIGHT. But it doesn’t (usually) work like that. The layers covering the Light need to somehow be acknowledged, and then of course forgiven and released. Seeing these propensities and tendencies and personality traits and habits can be so tricky. Nouk, you use the word authentic, which I think is a good marker.

Carrie: What an unexpectedly rich subject topic! Well, I would say the meaning of commitment for me right now is this: I know I’ve made a vow to choose the truth of Oneness above all else. I know any of us can awaken permanently to the truth, just by wanting the truth wholeheartedly, wanting it in an un-conflicted way, with all parts of the mind sure of what it wants. Which is…uh…a little easier said than done.  But that’s my commitment. And that’s great, as far as it goes…

Except I also know I still believe myself to be an individual mind in a separate body. And that means my ego mind is alive and well and doing the job I asked it to do (which is to block the truth of Oneness.)  And one of the hallmarks of an ego mind is that we don’t see anything in a single-minded way. So even though a small part of my conscious mind has firmly committed to Oneness, all the other small parts of my fragmented mind are not so firmly committed to the truth of Oneness. Some of them are pretty firmly committed to the opposite.

It’s kind of like the truth of Oneness is a pebble in my hand; I can feel it, I know it’s there… but I can’t help but see it through a fragmented, kaleidoscopic lens. A hundred partial images adding up to nothing that looks at all like a pebble. So I’m left with that one small part of my mind that’s committed to truth. Except, let’s be honest. Even that small part of my mind that’s committed isn’t committed 100%. My ego won’t allow it. So my very committed, sincere determination to accept the holy truth of Oneness is sometimes put aside because I’d rather watch tv instead. Or whatever. (insert favorite avoidance game here.)

So I guess this is my actual commitment at the moment: To devote myself to as much healing and de-fragmenting of my own mind as I possibly can, so that more parts of my mind can join in the effort to strengthen and support my working commitment to Oneness.

Eli: Thank you Carrie. I can tell we just had another explosion of inspiration! What a treat. You two look like gorgeous volcanoes on a tropical island. And I’m looking at paradise!

Eli: You know I was meditating the other night. I had just returned from the hospital and was feeling so happy to be back in my own bed. I propped my arms up on fluffy pillows to accommodate all the stitches around my breast area and leaned back on to the back rest. What gratitude and contentment I felt. Just then, Cherryl entered my mind. Cherryl is a large presence in my personal story. She is a channel who taught spiritual development courses in the Southwest, and who is very instrumental in my initial spiritual awakening experiences. She was like a guru to me for years. We had endless personal problems relating to one another. I could go on and on for days with the drama and episodes we experienced together. Cherryl was very bothered with what I’ll refer to as my seductress pattern. To say it now makes me smirk with laughter. I am the exact opposite of exotic. But I guess there were other illusions at play at the time. My sexuality slipped out in every direction all the time and any man was game for me to win over. Cherryl saw this propensity of mine as a major hurdle to spiritual growth. Again, our adventures went up and down and around and back and forth for many many years. In the end we split permanently; the friendship did not survive.

It has been years since I’ve “laid” Cherryl to rest. I can see these seductress tendencies, or what I call patterns – like your “good girl” pattern, Nouk – and if and when they come up, I work with them using techniques I’ve learned with ACIM and others to move beyond these blocks. The seductress pattern does not come “up” much anymore. But I notice that I am very aware of helping other women heal in that department, so it must be me again still working on my own healing.

Anyway, with the years that have passed since I last spoke with Cherryl, with my busy family life, my marriage, the cancer, the recent hospital stay, the last thing I expected to “see” in a meditative state was Cherryl. I had read The Song of Prayer while in the hospital and, when Cherryl “came” into my meditation, I did what is suggested in the pamphlet. First I forgave Cherryl then I asked “What should I do for your one Holy Son?” The answer came swiftly and clearly “Listen to what she has to say.” At that point I “sat down” calmly, facing Cherryl and listened. I sunk into the feelings of our friendship. I understood in that moment the huge gift she gave me in helping me break the seductress pattern. It has been a crucial mark in my spiritual development path. Without her help, I could have been off and running in a life dominated by seduction propensities. I felt so so so much appreciation for what she had done for me. And I told her of my gratitude in my meditation.

At that moment, I felt myself as a triangle on a surfboard. My Higher Self was the top angle, a guiding Light. A second angle or corner to the triangle was physical reality, a HUGE mirror in our lives that helps us see what is getting in the way of our awakening. The third corner was myself, my ability to interface with both, or what we could call the DECISION MAKER and the ability to DECIDE to see. The movement forward on the powerful ocean, like a surfer coming through a wave, was the ability to hold on to all three angles.

Then I thought about triads. The trinity came to mind first. Triangles are such powerful structures. You see it in, say, architecture. Or it’s fascinating how the inside angles of a triangle always add up to 180°. In fact, I feel it between the three of us. Each of us brings personality traits, points of clarity, issues to heal, etc, different from the others. We all have lovely dialogues in twosomes. But when we meet up as three, there is a strongER push for the Truth in that there seems to be even more of an ability to sort through the various matters at hand and “balance out.” It’s not that one triad point is stronger or weaker. It wouldn’t matter. It’s in the openness to interact with more than two points of reference that I can really feel the movement forward on the surfboard. (To fill out my metaphor, I see the ocean as God, and the end of the tube-wave as Oneness!) God and Oneness are THE destinations. But our “work,” so to speak, as personalities in this funny 3D world is not necessarily to just focus on THAT. There’s a balancing act at play here – not to disassociate with any one corner of the triangle so as not to lose balance. THAT’S WHERE THE COMMITMENT LIES. The movement forward happens on its own.

In the meditation I was overcome with the power of interacting with physical reality as much as I interacted with my Higher Self. It was a mind blower to see the strength in interfacing with both. I’m not saying that the seductress has as much importance as spirituality. But when you treat them with the same weight in terms of presence in your life, it’s explosive.

Here, then is my question: how do each of you do it? How do you bring physical propensities, what ACIM calls the ego, or what Carrie often refers to as the lure of the 3D world, to your consciousness along with your Higher Self – for healing. If you go one direction too much, you’re off balance and the surfboard is no longer steady. How can you hold on to both, treat them with respect, but also let them go as you move forward in your “wave” of awakening?

Carrie: Wow wow wow, Eli! (Or perhaps we should call you Gidget from now on, you dear surfer girl.) You’ve said a mouthful! Or actually 3 or 4 mouthfuls.

That triangle symbol you use has strong resonance for me. In my experience, that’s the appropriate focus (and balancing act) just as you’ve stated it. To focus too heavily on the ‘destination’ itself (awakening) is to make attainment of the goal of awakening virtually impossible – because all plans and goals and destinations are entirely the product of the busy ego mind, and have nothing to do with God or Oneness. It’s one of those many paradoxical conundrums having to do with the quest for enlightenment.

I’ve found a certain degree of desire to attain the goal of enlightenment is necessary to the process, at least for awhile. Without the goal of attaining enlightenment, it’d be mighty hard to stay on that path, after the first roadblock is encountered. Much easier to just turn back and forget it.  But to make enlightenment the primary focus in and of itself will just bog you down in ego games.
On the other hand, to maintain a balancing act where the strong commitment to the truth of Oneness is 1/3 of the triangle – this is the proper balance to keep that surfboard moving forward and catching waves. That’s how it feels to me, anyway.

And back to one of the other points (of your triangle): Yes yes yes, the illusory 3-D world (and our interaction with it) is SO important! It fully deserves its own 1/3 of the triangle. We built this illusory world – and the world exists from moment to moment because we all agree (unconsciously) to keep believing in it. To keep rebuilding it. Our collective belief is so much more powerful than we realize. It’s the only thing keeping the world’s seeming reality from dissolving away into nothing. The job of waking up is to be found nowhere else but here. We made the world, and we choose freshly, in every single moment, to keep remaking the world and all the illusory stuff in it.

When ACIM asks us to choose again, this is what it’s talking about. Every moment is potentially a fresh start. Do the work of looking past every illusion (big and small) that the world shows you; ask for Help to see each illusion as it really is in truth; and then choose truth instead of the illusion. Over and over and over again. This is the grand COMMITMENT. Not always fun or exciting, not always peaceful or joyous (although sometimes it IS all those things). And this is the very thing I commit to. Just as you say. I commit to keeping a strong, sure balance between the “3-D world” triangle point, and the Heavenly triangle point, by staying the course with the 3rd triangle point that integrates the other 2 (and which has the good sense to ask for frequent Help and a multitude of surfing lessons).

Eli: Thank you Carrie. While I have so much respect for the students of ACIM, there are some points which I think have become stock answers that don’t dig into the blocks to spiritual development. One of those commonplace responses is “it’s not real” when referring to physicality. I agree whole-heartedly, but it’s a comment that doesn’t look carefully at what the REFLECTION is. Yes, the choice within the triangle will allow you to choose again and see IT (the issue, person, situation, whatever in the 3D world) through the Holy Spirit or however you identify the you as Son of God, but the reflection, for now, needs more attention.

It’s funny you use the name Gidget. She was my alter ego during my radical feminist days. Then later in my adulthood, I travelled a lot on my own. There was a period of nearly 8 years that I changed domiciles every 6 months. I was a wanderer and had adventures everywhere I travelled in my car Ruthann (my beloved American Motors Rambler). Gidget came to mind frequently in stories I was writing in my head, called “Transcendental Gidget.” Or I was also contemplating “Gidget Goes Metaphysical.” LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The Seductress, Gidget, Lone Traveller. What heady days those were! That’s all for another discussion!

The lesson this past year has been about holding the reins and directing outcomes. I choose one forgiveness lesson at a time, one decision to see from right-mind at a time, and the destination happens on its own. I’ve learned that it’s not for me to take control of the movement forward. That happens on its own.

I think you’re right, Carrie, that some “I hope to become enlightened” visions make at least the initial commitment to awakening possible. But unfortunately it can easily fall into a “to do” list or a “you’re a better ACIM student if you _________ (fill in the blank)” and we’re right back in an ego framework.

I try to get at this dynamic in my book. I give the reader a TASTE of Italy, since Italy is a master at living in the (physical) moment. But the book has not been accepted within the ACIM framework. I agree that seeing the Light within is important. But forgetting to LOOK and SEE the experience physicality is handing you is missing an important point.

Let’s keep going on this topic – how to maintain ACIM principles and deal with the 3D production right in front of you.

Eli: One more thought: ACIM gives us an approach to choosing – but it doesn’t do the work for us. I don’t think we can confuse UNDERSTANDING the ACIM teachings with LIVING them. One requires comprehension. The other requires action. I find that understanding ACIM is a major undertaking, so much so, that long standing reading groups are formed to help interpret and understand the text. And I can easily say that Kenneth Wapnick and Gary Renard are essential points for me in embracing ACIM. I needed help in grasping the words. But being able to quote from the text or jump into its perspective to describe a situation are not the point. I want to bring the principles of the text into my experience. As I do, Eli begins to dissolve – but it’s got to be an organic, or maybe I should say a visceral happening. Mind over body doesn’t mean mind directing body. It means body releases on its own because the mind no longer has the thought to make it up.

Nouk: Eli…you just had yourself a vision of magnificent proportions! Yes, you drew a picture, or rather a code, that if followed and integrated, can’t help but take us Home! What a metaphor…But before I launch into giving an answer to your last question, the insight you received about Cherryl really caught my attention…

You talked about Cherryl popping up out of the blue (in meditation) and the old seductress sabotage pattern. And that you now have gratitude for Cherryl as you see that she helped to facilitate your releasing of that pattern. This is such a helpful insight! The first thing that came to my mind as you said this was more appreciation for examples such as this.

Looking back, I see that I tried so hard to detect and heal many of my own self-sabotage patterns. However they just seemed to hibernate for a while and pop right back up at the most inappropriate times. The common mistake I made back then is what nearly all of us do to overcome a seeming pattern or addiction: 1) Name it (make it real), so it’s something in opposition to the ONE Power of God’s Love, lol! 2) Register it within as “something is wrong”, giving in to the ego’s interpretation of it. And 3) Put the personal self (ego) in charge of undoing the error. This is especially funny since the ego’s undivided mantra is “seek but do not find”.

Anyway, I’ve now learned that EVERYTHING the ego made including all the crap we grapple with each day, can be used by Spirit. There is really nothing wrong – ever. If it’s happening at all then it’s perfect (I didn’t say comfortable though!). I learned not to put my own interpretation on whatever appeared as a challenge. Everyone and everything that seems to trigger us is always a 3D materialization of our own unconscious self-hatred (guilt)…the blocks to Love. They are not doing it to us. People and situations never attack us, although it sure does appear as if they do (to the ego body senses). Regardless of the problem, the question we need to ask is this: Are we prepared to acknowledge that we are really USING them/it to attack ourselves? Because that’s where the CAUSE is…it’s with the unconscious desire to use another (or situation, accident, illness, etc) to project our own self-hatred. It’s this unconscious desire that needs forgiveness. At least that’s what I’ve been led to practice lately.

The real issue is whether we choose to recognize the source of the problem (minus self-judgment) and to surrender the problem to Spirit to heal, rather than allowing the personal self to hijack the issue and apply the ego’s rules to amend the problem. You know, our toughest test is having enough faith and trust to hand the problem over to Spirit – and then to rest in trust, knowing that we’ll be Guided to the perfect solution at the perfect time. It’s an ongoing choice to surrender our obstacles, without projecting our frustration outside or inside. Eli, you didn’t fight the perceived problem (well, not much). You allowed it to heal in its own time, and didn’t make the issue a reality. You surrendered! And Cherryl played an intrinsic part of the whole scenario which you now see was perfect…

What really clinched it though: the catalyst that delivered you from alienation with Cherryl, and therefore your Self, was your willingness to forgive. Seems that once you forgave…you were able to see the perfection in that particular scenario; the past was quite literally healed in the present.

Every appearance of loss of peace is a gift that has surfaced to be healed at its source – our perception. And we don’t need to analyze it – in fact, what do you get when you analyze an illusion? Yes…an illusion! Oh, can I share something funny here? Tomas really used to have fun with that word – you know, ‘analyze.’ He used to say that what it really meant was to ANAL – ize. And then, just when you saw it, he’d cap it off with, “And just in case you’re still not convinced, I’m telling you now: there ain’t no light up there!” How true!

For me, learning to balance the Higher Self (Spirit’s Guidance) with the 3D world came through much contrast between the two extremes of a) getting lost in the world’s attractions = suffering AND, b) handing over my will and resistance = peace. Commitment is divided until we choose one over the other. And it’s this divided state of mind that continues the suffering and the lessons.

To gain that balance that you speak of, that moving forward on the wave to awakening, it requires prioritizing peace over trying independently to get our perceived (ego) needs met. It’s through prioritizing peace that we find all our needs are met (although it sure doesn’t seem like this at the time, lol!).

It’s really about choosing (this is the decision-maker corner of the triangle) the discipline of constant vigilance, being aware to ask the billion-dollar question: “What is it for?”  What is anything for? If we ask this every time we’re feeling any loss of peace or the need to “get”, “control” or “resist”, we’ll bypass so much anxiety and suffering. For example, I had the need to control my daughter at one time. I wanted her to stay at school regardless of her desire to leave. After much anguish and conflict I finally asked myself “What is it for?” (My need for her to stay in school). And the answer was not palatable that’s for sure! My need to control the situation came from fear and not from Love. When I saw that my intent arose from fear and not from Love and trust, I knew then that it was wrong, and that the best thing in this case, was to allow Rikki to follow her guidance (even though it frustrated my (ego) needs).

Forgiveness again…and this is the COMMITMENT to be UN-divided, to choose peace or one-mindedness. And this will always translate to the decision to look past (overlook) whoever and whatever appears as real in the 3D world. Yes, we acknowledge it but like I mentioned before, we don’t BELIEVE it any longer.

Carrie: Well this subject turns out to be so deep I’m afraid I’ll fall in. LOL! No, actually it just meant I had to wait til the weekend to give it the time & thought it deserves before commenting. Eli, you speak of the 3rd triangle point as being “the decision maker.” I think that feels exactly right. Even though we “know” intellectually that this world is not real, until we side 100% with truth and have allowed the ego mind to evaporate permanently, we all experience the 3-D world as real. If a sledgehammer falls on your foot, no matter how strong your practice of Oneness may be, you’ll probably yell OUCH! (and maybe some other things besides.) So we experienced that sledgehammer as real. But then what? In every moment and every experience the 3-D world shows us, we make the decision: do I use this experience as an opportunity to heal my perception by reminding myself that nobody and nothing is guilty – not even that damned sledgehammer – or do I fall for the stories my ego mind tells me about this situation?

You hit it right on the head when you say: ACIM gives us an approach to choosing – but it doesn’t do the work for us. I don’t think we can confuse UNDERSTANDING the ACIM teachings with LIVING them. One requires comprehension. The other requires action.

That’s exactly it. Intellectual understanding of these principles is only the first step. Naturally we need to understand them, it would be silly to devote a lifetime to a teaching we haven’t bothered trying to understand. But all intellectual understanding is real estate owned by the ego mind. The truth can only be approached as a ‘knowing’ in the heart. (And in an authentic permanent knowing of truth, even that would be gone – replaced by pure communion with all that Is.) A knowing in the heart does open the way for authentic permanent knowing. But intellectual understanding in & of itself is a dead end. It MUST be accompanied by (and then replaced by) experiential living of the principles.

There is absolutely no substitute for the direct, heart-expanding experience of forgiveness, and the resulting direct experience of Oneness it brings. I can blah blah blah all I want about what forgiveness is; and why forgiveness works; and how nothing in this world is real; and how we should all look past this world to Heaven’s truth beyond. And I’d be absolutely “right” about all of that. But if I’m not ALSO willing to take these understandings into each moment of my illusory day, and put them into action when that call-center guy in India keeps me on the phone for 45 minutes or whatever, then those precious intellectual understandings of mine aren’t worth much in terms of helping me wake up.

There’s nothing wrong with an intellectualized practice. It just won’t do much to help anybody wake up, that’s all. And I myself am all about waking up. So MY commitment is to each of those illusory moments, big and small. I commit to the call-center guy (or the lady with the 200 coupons ahead of me in the grocery line, or the tornado that recently devastated much of my dear friend’s hometown). I commit to inviting each of these “outlaw enemies,” (as my ego mind would perceive them), back into Oneness with me. I overlook their appearance, because EXPERIENCE has taught me that beyond all appearances, these are merely exiled parts of my holy self. EXPERIENCE has taught me that I’m actually lonely and incomplete without them, and that they, unconsciously, feel the same way about me. And so I welcome them back with fond tenderness, as I would a long lost child.  If my practice went no further than intellectualized understanding, I would find it impossible to authentically recognize each of these enemies for what they are in truth, because I would have no firsthand experience to fall back on. And that firsthand experience came from earlier work, over and over, of doing my best to authentically render a not-guilty verdict on each of the ‘enemies’ my ego mind presents to me.

So I say: Hooray for the things and people that make up our 3-D world. They can each be cherished as a potential opportunity to heal our minds and wake up to the truth of Oneness. And all of them could (ideally) be surrendered to Spirit, who is then free to use them as teaching/healing opportunities to help us heal and grow. If we can sincerely practice doing those two things, then THAT constitutes a practice of Oneness that truly kicks ass. LOL! You can quote me on that.

Eli: How do we see the patterns, or the self-sabotage tendencies, as you called them Nouk?

Patterns are very deep, much deeper than the obvious frustrations in life. I mean as much as we do need to forgive the 200 coupon holder in the grocery line (for whom I still have loads of work to do!?!?!), acting out frustration is, in some ways, the first layer of egoic thinking we can forgive because we can at least catch ourselves losing our peace of mind.

But what about the deeper layers, the issues that don’t come up with aggravation or annoyance? What about the stuff that is such a mild hum, it remains hidden just under the radar screen but continues to command our 3D lives.

Nouk: I think it’s the belief in separation that is the key. Ask yourself what makes me me. I mean, it’s so hilarious to think we’d rather trust in our own personal (ego) ‘will’ than to surrender into not-knowing and forgiveness.

When I was in my teens I developed anorexia nervosa and very nearly died. Yet while all this was going on, I must admit that deep down I knew the issue behind it (although at the time I wasn’t ready to own it and surrender it). This eating disorder was largely overcome in time, but it never completely abated. It seemed to become a non-issue, especially as I launched into practicing the Course at around age 33. Then some time later, as I made headway with the Course, the issue came up again. It led me to start looking at some pretty deeply entrenched beliefs that fed this self-attack attempt. Namely – that I felt women (myself) were victim to the mass-conscious male obsession with the female body, to the exclusion of her true beauty being the Self within. In those days, I saw the media as largely to blame for its promotion of an unrealistic feminine body image goal; and how it sold this unrealistic ‘image’ to men and women.

In my last life I was a make-up artist, and my work included full body make-up on models for Playboy Magazine (Oh, do I have some outrageous stories to tell about that time!). I witnessed first hand, the degree of image manipulation and ‘photo re-touching,’ and it was alarming, to say the least. The girl who originally walked into my studio the morning of the shoot, was unrecognizable as the Playboy Centerfold we saw in the finished magazine.

Carrie: Funny, I had more than a few brushes with Playboy too, back in the day when self-image was truly painful for me. Both as an art director for photography (and afterward telling them where/how to retouch, in order to make the photo as appealing as possible – sorry, Nouk!) and also because I actually dated a Playboy photographer. The absurdity really just makes me shake my head now; there I was, harboring an extremely painful obsession with my own physical ‘imperfection’…so what did I do? I arranged my life so I was surrounded by false images of physical perfection, and dated one of the guys responsible for photographing it all day. Largely so I could have constant proof of how I didn’t measure up. Oh how we torture ourselves.

It’s exactly as you say, Nouk – all this ego crap is preferable, to us humans; we’re so addicted to the status quo of believing in this world and all its shifting illusions, that we willingly reject the release from pain that the changeless truth of Oneness would bring.

Nouk: Shockingly, my eating issue surfaced again for a brief period just a few years back. I noticed that I would severely ration portions of food for myself, and keep tabs on how much was eaten. I knew the drill by now…just WATCH without self-judgment. So I watched and surrendered this seeming relapse, knowing there was something to be seen, to be released. And one day, while taking a rare sabbatical to my favorite place (Hopi Indian Reservation in Arizona), the penny dropped. While journaling my fears of ageing, death, etc, the core issue made itself known. It simply wrote itself. And to top it off, the eating issue simply dropped away and gave ME up from then on! I didn’t give it up. That’s what happens when we dare to observe it and hand it over to Spirit.

The core issue to be forgiven was this: An old ego belief that was instilled from childhood was that, as a woman, I had the duty (now that word is an alarm bell!) to look good for men, especially for my partner. To let this slip meant I might lose my man (giggle, giggle now). The focus was on the body, and the personality was addicted to people-pleasing. What I saw once I surrendered my fears and judgments, was this: In my past anger and resentment at men, and the whole ‘image culture’ of our Western world, the ego kept the problem projected outside me, making it appear to be apart from me. It kept me focused on the ‘effect,’ and away from discovering the real ‘cause’ which was always in my own mind.

The truth, once exposed, showed me how I’d betrayed myself by being disloyal to Self all those years. On the surface I played the whole ‘image’ game, making sure I looked the part. I tried to present myself attractively as possible, and always endeavored to meet my partner’s needs, even if they frustrated my own. I might have looked good, but underneath was a seething resentment that built over time. See how the ego works? Unable to recognize my own in-authenticity and disloyalty to Self – it slapped the whole shebang onto the Western world’s obsession with objectifying women.

Oh, and did I mention that there was also a judgment against women who helped perpetuate the unrealistic body image problem? So even the models I worked with, the photographers – and what about the older women who tried so desperately to conform to a youthful, sexy image (celebrities who’d had mega-facelifts, boob-lifts and ass-lifts), and on and on. The judgment and resentment was difficult to disguise at times, I can tell you!

I had projected my (unconscious) lack of reverence for my own True Self. My own unwillingness to revere my Self, to respond to my own authenticity meant that I betrayed my Self. And through the ego, I used the media, fashion industry and men to project my own Self-betrayal. How perfectly insane and funny! The issue was seen through – the cause (my perception) was forgiven, and along with this, all past resentment just fell away. I can look at a Playboy Centerfold now and there are no more triggers. I don’t see victims like I did before, because I see and accept that I was never victimized. So how could anyone else be?

Carrie: I used to do a similar thing to a ridiculous degree, much like what you’re talking about here, Nouk. Blaming all of society (or even all of the world) for my own unexamined misperceptions. For a few years in my late teens/early twenties, I was furious with men. Seriously. One half of the human population. It seemed to me like a perfectly sane and logical response to the terrible injustices I saw in the world.

In my mind, I imbued women with every attribute that was noble and kind and good, and of course men were the opposite. Evil bastards, every last one of them. And all the ills of the world could be directly traced back to men. Of course it goes without saying that I was projecting all the hate and frustration I felt toward my own self, out onto my chosen scapegoat – mankind. But it would be quite a few years before I would begin to see that. (To any men who may be reading this now: hey, sorry about that.)

Nouk: In this recent phase of the undoing journey I’ve noticed something very interesting about ‘patterns and self-sabotage.’ You’d think that one sign of getting closer to undoing the core of the ego would be a diminishing of these patterns. However it’s possible (but not always necessary) that even after years of undoing, we find ourselves bewildered by the re-surfacing of an old pattern; or even the appearance of a new one.

This doesn’t mean that something is wrong, though. To the contrary – I think it can be a sign that we must be approaching the end of the ego, being a separate will to survive based on fear. The ego is so terrified of our busting its cover, that it can sometimes throw a pretty mean curve ball to make us succumb to fear and doubt again – especially if there’s been good progress in undoing the personal self. And if we fall for it, we’re temporarily siding with its image; that we are a body trapped by the body’s needs, instead of the truth that the Self is invulnerable. But it’s always the ego trying to pull us back into the body experience and away from the unbounded and eternal awareness that we are.

I am full of gratitude now for that last reappearance of the eating issue. It delivered a wealth of insight, and as a result of being surrendered to Holy Spirit…the experience delivered my perception back to Love. It showed me just where I still hadn’t totally forgiven. Thank you…

Carrie: Yes, what you say here is something I’ve noticed in my own life quite strongly in the past 7 or 8 years especially. As I seemed to be getting clearer and stronger and more committed to waking up, many areas of my life would become more and more healed…but then some huge “new” issue would surface.

At first I was pretty puzzled and a bit discouraged about that: was I only imagining that I was on the right track? But gradually I realized these “new” issues were actually surfacing because the layers of my ego darkness were being peeled back layer by layer, like an onion. My ego was not so happy about this, and was using whatever ammunition it could, hoping to slow my progress.

But also I realized (much as you say, Nouk) that these so-called new issues were arising because – with the previous onion layers removed – it was now their turn to come into the light and be seen clearly so they could be healed. There was actually nothing new about them. Their roots were just buried a bit deeper than the previous stuff. And so I’m filled with gratitude for this dark, sticky stuff that still remains. I bless it, knowing it can’t last…but as long as it’s here, it’ll function as a beautiful catalyst for surrendering and healing something deep. And that’s ultimately only going to result in more freedom for me. A true friend, is this dark icky crap!

Nouk: Oh it’s so good to share this stuff! As we get closer to the center of the ego thought system, we get closer to undoing that original choice we made, to separate from God’s Love. And the effects of peeling back and getting so close to exposing the ego’s nothingness can exhume some pretty weird fears and compulsions. But as you said, they’re only temporary. Thanks Carrie for sharing this…and how’s that? You and I were working in the same industry way back then! Fancy us both being involved in the production of Playboy magazine…I mean what are the chances? Talk about asking to have our noses rubbed in it! We both suffered from body image problems so what did the insane ego do? That’s right, it placed us smack bang in the middle of the whole “body image” circus…

Carrie: It’s amazing, isn’t it, the unexpected range of topics we covered here? I’ve enjoyed myself immensely. Thank you both for this.

Nouk: Well thanks again, you two. Eli, I truly appreciate your insights. And your questions encouraged me to sit in silence, l-o-n-g periods of silence…to allow what desired to be shared, to surface. And Carrie, thanks for sharing so openly and for your gift of clarity and humor! I wonder what’s coming next…

Eli: Here’s a note from Carrie to me when I was in the hospital ready to have surgery. I think this sums up our joining:

Eli, know that my heart is with you. And my hand holds yours … as One in Love…the quietest sort of joy (and) the only kind of Healing that really counts. The kind we’re, all 3 of us, doing together.

 

Sharing in Between May/11

Releasing Tomas’ Ashes

Death; The Grand Illusion

By Nouk Sanchez (with Rikki Vieira)

Photos by Rikki Vieira

As many of you know, Tomas Vieira left the body Dec. 5^th 2010. If you’d like to learn more about this please read the three most recent newsletters here: http://www.takemetotruth.com/newsletters.html  We (Rikki, Stacy, and I) promised to take his ashes into a sacred place deep in the Grand Canyon. It would be in the Spring of 2011 and it was going to require planning ahead as we would be heading for a remote area with little or no water for the five days there. It would be a camping and hiking trip.

The team who gathered for this trip consisted of me (Nouk), Rikki (Tomas’ and my daughter), her partner Bo Lopez, Stacy Sully (Tomas’ partner; my friend and colleague) and our friend and film-maker, Stacy Vereen who has been filming our journey for a documentary, over the last couple of years.

At first light the morning of May 3^rd, we drove from Santa Fe, NM to Tusayan AZ, near the South Rim. From there we all squeezed into Bo’s truck and he drove us two hours along a beaten track until we reached what appeared to be the most amazing wilderness area I’d ever seen.

We finally set up camp in a secluded spot literally just a few feet from the edge of the Grand Canyon. This was my very first back-packing trip at the age of 54. I must share here that the ego had taunted me many times around its idea that I wouldn’t make the six mile hike in and back out. The 2,500 foot descent was along an un-maintained and often unmarked path. I fell only once and luckily it wasn’t into the Canyon!

The hike down took quite a few hours as it required intense concentration so we didn’t lose our footing, being that the sheer precipice of the Canyon’s edge was always just a step (or a slip!) away. I recall blocking the ego’s endless threats and just walking some parts, one carefully placed step at a time. By the way, I had developed quite a head cold the day before (that ego again) and decided that despite this illusion, I was going to look past it and join wholeheartedly in my commitment to walking WITH the Holy Spirit and not the ego! I dropped into a zone with Holy Spirit and gave the entire experience to Him to use this body. Limitation was impossible in this state…that was what Tomas taught me and it was a privilege to demonstrate this.

Bo was our earthly guide for this trip and he was a powerhouse in so many respects. Our destination was a plateau deep in the Canyon, a very sacred place. And we were to spend the night there sleeping under the stars, before arising at dawn to release Tomas’ ashes. This is what Rikki has shared about her experience as we approached this sacred site:

“As I was at the end of the trail and entering the spot that we had decided to release the ashes, I felt Tom clear as day in absolute ecstatic joy, as if to welcome us for this event. He was laughing and so proud to join with us!! I had tears rushing down my face and I was laughing with him at the same time. What a blessing it is to know he is here, with the same personality and humor… just without the body.”

At dawn the next morning we all lined up together at the edge of the most beautifully captivating cliff and joined with Holy Spirit and Tomas. The scene and experience there was so full of enchantment. It was as if every living thing was perched in reverence, ready and gently waiting for this moment of release. The breeze was soft and fresh carrying with it the scent of wild sage.

We stood, each holding a prayer feather to release with a prayer and together we let them go with the wind over the side of the Canyon. We watched them soar and flutter taking our prayers with them. There was a wave of light that went through us all, we all felt it. Then…the moment arrived to release the ashes. I noticed immediately that I didn’t want to participate…to throw a handful of ashes off the cliff. Stacy walked up to the bag of ashes and she lovingly scooped up a handful of Tomas’ ashes and…in one amazing sweep, tossed them up to Spirit. Still I didn’t want to participate…Then Bo, who helped take care of Tomas with us last year, was moved to follow Stacy. Rikki and I watched. I saw that Rikki was as reluctant as I was. Then when she saw the release that Bo experienced as he let go the ashes – Rikki stepped to the edge, held the ashes and then tossed them high into air. There was a palpable sense of RELEASE felt in us all. Rikki had the biggest grin on her face followed by a burst of laughter. Then I finally felt called to do the same…

The experience wasn’t anything like I expected. I observed my resistance to the ashes; a sign of mortality. To me they were a symbol that the ego can claim our bodies through death; that the ego still appears to have dominion over so much in this dream. And I didn’t want anything to do with it…resistance again, which made it more real. I reached into the bag and held the ashes in my hands asking Holy Spirit to show me what this was for; to show me this through healed perception. I then went blank.  Feeling a gust of wind from behind me, I suddenly threw the ashes over the edge of the Canyon. Yet it wasn’t me who threw the ashes. In an instant as the hands opened…they were Tomas’ hands releasing the ashes! I was him! He was me! And the ashes were the ego’s DREAM of death…and not at all real.

I burst out laughing! All I could do was to laugh…Tomas was right here, now. He hadn’t gone anywhere and he certainly wasn’t in those ashes. How could he be? It was Tomas who threw the ashes!

Later, when Rikki and I had a chance to talk, she shared with me that she had had a similar experience. She, like me, had resistance to the ashes for the same reason. Yet when she released them she was overcome by the knowing that death is a grand illusion. And all she could do was to laugh and laugh as well. She felt Tomas right there, and so what exactly were we releasing? Except a dream of mortality…a false fear, a sheer veil that can be lifted at any moment we choose. Following here, is Rikki’s personal account of what occurred for her:

“…then Stacy Sully grabbed a handful of the ashes and tossed them into the air, I didn’t want anything to do with the ashes up until that point. I guess in my mind they were a symbol of mortality and death. But then Bo decided he too wanted to spread them and he let them go into the wind. Then as I saw them floating down through the Canyon bathed in morning light, a shift occurred in my mind, and I recognized that this was not about mortality and death at all; rather a letting go of the idea of separation and suffering. I joined in that moment and from then on I was filled with absolute joy. It’s very difficult to describe but I went over to the edge and took a hand full of the ashes. And with love in my heart and Tom by my side, I thanked him for showing me the way, for undeniably teaching me that we are not apart. And I released them up into the air with laughter and the greatest sense of freedom!!”

The highlight for us all was a deepening of the experience that death is a total illusion; that communication remains unbroken even when the body is no longer present. This experience of release of the illusion of death was another monumental step for us into Love – with no opposite.

 “Death’s worshippers may be afraid. And yet, can thoughts like these be fearful? If they saw that it is only this which they believe, they would be instantly released. And you will show them this today. There is no death, and we renounce it now in every form, for their salvation and our own as well. God made not death. Whatever form it takes must therefore be illusion. This the stand we take today. And it is given us to look past death, and see the life beyond.” A Course in Miracles, W-163.8

Photo:  Left to Right, Bo Lopez, Rikki, Nouk, Stacy & Stacy Vereen

 

Sharing In Between April/2011

Note to the Reader: We have been in the process of scheduling our next topic of conversation on Commitment. But in the meantime, a few other events produced some correspondence between the three of us which we wanted to share with you. Thank you for joining us.

Nouk: Well, I must say I miss you guys! I so enjoyed our first joining and look forward to our future ones! The week of May 1 – 10 I will be “roughing-it,” camping in the Grand Canyon so in case Eli you’re planning a schedule for us is it possible to resume our Joining discussion after May 10th? Just thought I’d let you know …

Carrie: Have a wonderful time Nouk! Nothing like rocks in the Southwest to form a backdrop for deep spiritual connection (at least for me.) I’ll look forward to reconnecting on the next topic when the time is right. My thoughts go to you & your upcoming surgery often, Eli. We’ll play it by ear and take our cues from you, as to how you’re feeling.

Eli: Yes with the surgery coming up I thought I’d send both of you a few notes on what it entails. I will go in on a Monday for early blood tests and a series of reviews with the anesthesiologist, the surgeon, etc. And my surgery will be mid-morning on Tuesday. I can always eat regularly on Monday night but as of midnight early Tues am, no more drinking or eating. We’ll see what sort of medication they give me after the operation. I prefer to have very little so that I can walk (with help) to the bathroom. If I have too much pain medication, I’m not able to function normally for at least a day and I need tubes, etc for my bathroom routine.

I will have four drainage bags put into place with the operation to help drain the blood correctly from my chest. Before they put me to sleep, I like to go over where the drainage tubes will be inserted. Since my operations in 2006/7 to remove the cancer, I have very little fatty tissue under my right arm and those huge drainage needles can be very uncomfortable if not inserted well. When I wake up, I look a little like a spider with long tendons sticking out in every direction. For the last operation, the going was a bit rough because the weight of the temporary prosthesis put in place was too much or my lungs and I had trouble breathing. I needed to use an oxygen machine for over a day. But this time the weight will be lessened. The prosthesis to be put in place are the permanent silicon ones which are much lighter than this synthetic liquid stuff currently filling out my breasts.

I thought I’d send you my blog entries from the day before and the day after the operation last Oct. It still makes me cry – not so much with sadness but just all the emotions that come with big moments in life like this – breakthroughs as well as breakdowns. This is also when I started feeling Tomas nearby (Tomas Vieira, Nouk’s soul partner and co-author to her books who passed away from throat cancer in Dec/2010).

I often feel like I’m playing straws with the other cancer patients after the operation – usually I draw the short one but this time it was Tomas. He smiled a lot and said there were many more ways to “end” cancer besides dying. I know he didn’t die for me but we were at the same poker table nonetheless.

Here are the blog notes:

27-10-10
I’m in my room in the Plastic Surgery ward. They gave me room n. 11 – my favourite number. My view does not include the Adriatic sea and the Istrian Coast like most of the rooms in the hospital. Instead I have another lovely scene. My window overlooks Federico’s (Eli’s son) school. I hope to see him this morning when my husband drops him off.

The plastic surgeon will pass by shortly for the last run through of the surgery. My roommate will be the first to be operated this morning. I will follow at 10:30 or 11:00 am – enough time to listen to some Brandenburg Concertos.

I have what looks like a pirate’s treasure map inked on my chest to indicate the new cuts. I think I’ll look like a pirate when this is all done, with a new vertical gash down the middle of my right breast, eliminating the nipple. I’m actually starting to get into the new guise. It’s a provocative new spirit for 50 years!

In my head, I am following the family’s life. I left notes for my husband and mother to use while I’m away at the hospital. “4 pages?” my husband kidded me when I gave him the instructions. “And that’s only for 3 days,” I thought to myself.

I guess a 4 page memo is an exaggeration. That is a word that comes up often these days in my discussions about a double mastectomy, especially because one of my breasts is healthy. Some consider my response is a little over the top. But the peace of mind that comes from knowing I am doing what I can to factor out breast cancer in my life feels…good. And anyway, what would any decent pirate do? I think she would slice away the problem in one clean swipe and then swagger off with her mates to sail the seas. Aih. Let the transformation begin.

29-10-20
Jesus: How are you feeling, Elizabeth?

Eli: I don’t feel very good. I can’t breathe well. I can’t eat. I’m getting a cold. I had this huge operation that lasted so long. Now I can’t seem to move forward. I feel stuck. I know you are calling me. But I’m afraid to come. I want my boys. I want my life. Yes I hear you. Yes I know you’re there. But I don’t want you if it means giving up my family and life. Call it control if you want. But that’s how I feel. I want a life with you but I want to hold my boys with me as I do.

Jesus: Then I am controlling too. For I will not move forward without you. You hold your men. And I will hold you. This is how we will move forward together.

Nouk: Wow Eli…this sharing is so, so beautiful. Thank you for your transparency. With this being such a challenging time and I can “feel” Tomas there…with you at that time too. It all falls into place for me as I read your account of it. This next surgery in May – you’ll have quite a tribe accompanying you! Carrie, me and Tomas will most certainly be joining in with much love and devotion to the Truth in You, to the Perfection in you that will heal the body so gracefully. Wish I could give you a great big hug!

Carrie: Oh god, what beauty! Thank you for sharing that, Eli. It made me cry (and laugh) too.

Eli: It all brings up a lot of emotion – not from the fear of death, really – just emotions. All up for forgiveness. But God, help me see clearly what it is I need to forgive. It brings me to my knees.

Nouk: I want to know more, Eli, not because I’m a sticky-beak, but because I feel an enormous gratitude for you; I feel a strong sense of Divine Providence every time I think of you and Carrie. It’s quite miraculous how we’ve been brought together and how we’ve joined in offering ourselves up, allowing Spirit to inspire us to be truly helpful. It takes courage not to shrink back from exposing our fears and confusion. Yet – it’s in “hiding out in the open” that we find we’re truly protected, quite opposite to the ego self’s advice.

Something you said “pinged” (as opposed to a “thud”) in me and so I wonder if you feel like sharing a little deeper? This is what you said: First question that came up was: “What fears are behind the desire to “get” the lesson, the teaching?” “If you don’t “get” it then what are the fears of so called failure?” The reason I ask this is because with Tomas’ recent health challenge, I had a number of fears, most I consciously recognized and surrendered but one humungous one was coveted by the ego (as usual!) and was cunningly hidden under the radar. I guess what I’m saying is that now I realize the priceless gift of purging ourselves through radical self-inquiry of every shred of fear and doubt. Exposing it to our conscious mind then means we can hand the lot over to Spirit. Once exposed and surrendered to Love’s Light, there is no more need to suffer harsh lessons. And I feel this is where you’re at now…you’ve done it though and as Carrie might say (quote from past trialogue of RELATIONSHIPS on 4/3 /11) “it’s time to learn through gentle and joyous means now. “

Also, being an emotional type myself, I realize now that emotions are always clues to a deeper “belief” or fear. And that once exposed, we can then see clearly what spawned that emotion. Then we can surrender this fear to Spirit too. I join you Eli in this mission to heal the “cause”, the un-forgiveness (which is a mistaken belief in something, a fear) that seems to lay hidden here…

Eli: Thank you Nouk. I’ve been teary eyed all day. Something is up – yes for forgiveness – I know. Let me sleep on your offering to go deeper and I’ll be in touch.

Eli: (next morning) After Nouk’s questions, I sat quietly for awhile. I immediately saw myself putting one brick on top of another and started crying that I don’t want another tumour. The “building” issue is back. Let me explain.

You’re talking to a woman with a very very strong will power. My entire identity has been based in the past on what I could push through in life. I was always DOING projects and having experiences no one else would dream of. Even getting married was cause for pushing another idea or ambition into manifestation. I was always filled with “to do” lists and “off the cuff” life style changes. It was a real gig for me. Doing and completing were the big words in my life.

The cancer showed me otherwise. The first and second operations in 2006/7 plus the chemotherapy put a halt to whatever I thought I was doing and wherever I thought I was going. My “bull dozer” tendencies were put on pause.

As I healed, my life took on a new aspect. Slowly, easily, my entire work life was dismantled and my book A Taste of Grace came to be. In 2010 after four years of cancer free exams, I was finally ready for new prosthesis to be placed in my chest. The book was published, and I even turned 50. It was a new beginning. The book was everything my heart desired and expressed my discovery into Oneness over the course of my entire adult life. But without noticing, I had turned the power machines within me back on and I was setting out to promote my book with the same gusto I used before the diagnosis of the cancer. Wham! With no warning, a new tumour was found in my right breast.

I knew immediately I needed to look again at my motives. I had come such a long way in learning to not do, that is, to give my doing to the Holy Spirit. But in the hospital this last time, I could feel the risk of falling into the exact same pattern of using my own autonomous will power – by golly – with perfect subject matter! – for my own individual ends. It wasn’t death that scared me at all, it was not hearing the precious lessons the cancer was showing me with all her amazing teaching ability.

I awoke from the operating table with the news that I would have to return in 6 months for reconstructive surgery. My breast tissue needed time to heal before the prosthesis could be put back in place. So I knew I would need to return for another week or for the 5th time in the hospital.

In the meantime, another “project” has come into my life – my trialogues with you – and I’m scared of starting up the engines again. But I can’t do THAT anymore. As well, I don’t want the cancer to have to go over the same lesson/s again. My doing is not for building. It’s for simply sharing who I am with God. I literally can’t live otherwise.

Eli: (same day) This is so funny. We had to take EVERYTHING off our computer on Sunday to clean it. Some kind of virus entered and made the usb signal beep in continuation with the message “do not recognize device.” Ugh, it was such a long process to reboot the whole system.

It’s just not the moment to collect our email messages for Sharing In Between – the technical problems steer me away from that. Why does that strike me as just so so so funny. I guess because I don’t have the energy to overcome ANY obstacles – DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?????????????????????????????????????? The bulldozer is not on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don’t care WHEN I publish our messages. When the time is right the details will present themselves.

I can’t wait to tell Ms. Cancer about my discovery. I think she’s been waiting for my graduation thesis.

Carrie: LOLOL! Yes, that’s a big one! (I can see the ‘dozer parked in the ditch outside the window. Smiling at it fondly.)

Nouk: You have been on my mind quite a bit these last 48 hours. I felt such relief when you said you’d realized the bulldozer has retired! It’s not running the show…wow, this is huge. What a breakthrough! Ahhh…time for Eli to “BE” instead of leading the “DOING,” the problem solving, etc. This is where the safety is.

Eli: Nouk, you mentioned you wanted to give me a big hug – I wanted to let you know I GOT it!

Thank you Carrie for keeping an eye on the bulldozer. I’m glad she has a place to park and lie dormant outside your window. I’ll imagine you placing some funky decals all around her and maybe using her for a creative flower planter!!!!

Carrie: I’ll plaster that bulldozer with peace decals! And plant daisies inside.

Eli: It has been a lovely couple of days for me – and as I share the story I feel – sosososososo surrounded in warmth – an amazing experience. Carrie, please help me out with some kind of press release type text we can use to “promote” the update to the trialogue – which we can put on our FB accounts, etc.

Carrie: How about this: SHARING IN BETWEEN began as a lighthearted interim conversation between dialogue topics – and turned into a heartfelt discourse on cancer and the true meaning of trust and faith. Using the challenges and triumphs of their own experiences, authors Nouk Sanchez, Carrie Triffet and Elizabeth Griffin are tearing up the playbook and looking deep within to find the meaning behind A Course in Miracles.

Eli: Brava Carrie – with this description, the two of you are investigating the cancer with me. Carrie, I was ready for you to say “Eli and her experiences” but instead it’s the three of us. Accepting your company and opening the healing to you and others – my eyes tear up and I feel warm all over.

Carrie: Yes, I didn’t even realize it until you pointed it out, but that is exactly how I feel about it. It’s a true sharing.

Eli: You know the naturalistic cures to cancer talk a lot about the need for heat. Usually, for example, whole grains are recommended – foods that “heat” the body. Apparently cancer has a different temperature to it. It’s a weird illness in that you usually don’t feel it until the mass of the tumour itself gets in the way. But many speak of a colder temperature to the tumour tissue.

Carrie: I did quite a lot of alternative medicine at one time, and found it very effective. I replaced the annual mammogram with thermography years ago; there’s a thermography doctor in LA who pretty much wrote the book (literally) on its diagnostic use. He can detect the onset of cancer before a tumor even starts to form, because the body sends new blood supplies to the area for the tumor’s nourishment in preparation for it to begin to grow. And those new blood supplies cause an increase in localized body temperature. So cancer is also detectable by looking for heat.

Eli: Also, the medication I’m taking now is to eliminate the estrogens in my system. The stimulating factor of hormones was responsible for this last tumour (that’s why I didn’t have to do chemo again – the tumour was “hormone” based) and so, through a monthly shot, my body is being placed in definitive menopause. I have new sensation in my bones and joints, kind of painful, really, like I’m getting drained. Interestingly, the best cure is vitamin D – and the best source of vitamin D is sunshine! So I got out the big lawn chair and regularly lie underneath the sun mid-day! It feels like I have a big warm blanket surrounding me. Everything is warm!

Carrie: What a wonderful therapy! I think I’ll join you right now, as a matter of fact! LOL!

Relationships

Eli: Hello all. This is such a pleasure to take time to explore some important issues in our lives together. Right away I feel as if we’re referencing the same authority as we come together for our trialogue. That is, we have the same desire for Truth and look to the Holy Spirit for guidance.

This is a conversation about  living ACIM principles, but we are going to have an interesting ground rule. No quoting from the text! This will help us access the innate wisdom in each of us that the COURSE promotes. How does that sound?

Nouk: It’s a joy to connect with you too Eli and Carrie. Thank you for coming up with this idea to share together. Let’s see what Holy Spirit has in store for us all through this fun conversation…

Carrie: I’m delighted to be a part of this discussion with the two of you. Eli, it’ll be easy for me to live by this ground rule, because I almost never quote from the Course. I came to study ACIM in a slightly atypical way: It was Spirit Who presented the Course to me. And as I began to devour the Course’s text and workbook, Spirit would engage me in casual daily conversations about mundane struggles going on in my everyday life. In these conversations, I was lovingly taught how to apply the underlying principles of A Course in Miracles to “real world” circumstances. These conversations brought ACIM vibrantly alive for me, yet they never quoted ACIM directly. It’s how I was taught, so it’s how I teach.

Eli: Oh, I love these kinds of stories. Tell us more.

Carrie: After nearly 20 years of practicing Buddhism, I assumed I would continue for the rest of my life. But in May/05, I had a powerful awakening that changed everything. It became clear that I was being asked to leave organized religion behind and forge my own spiritual path. Freaked me right out! I’m not really the intrepid explorer type…Well I guess I am now, LOL!

Anyway, over the course of that year, Spirit would toss books my way, one after another in rapid succession. It was clear these were “homework books.’” Their purpose was to bring me up to speed on New Thought spirituality, since I knew virtually nothing outside of Nichiren Buddhism. At the end of this year of intensive study I was presented with Realization of Oneness by Joel Goldsmith. This book was my first introduction to non-dual thought, and it rang a deep bell with me. While on Amazon looking for another Joel Goldsmith book to read, I landed ‘accidentally’ on a page for Gary Renard’s The Disappearance of the Universe, so I bought it instead. (I got clear signs this was what I was meant to do.) Gary’s book completely kicked my butt. And although I would never have been attracted to A Course in Miracles on its own, I knew without a doubt after reading Gary’s book that ACIM was what I was meant to do, and it would be the last teaching I would ever need. And sure enough, as soon as I began to study ACIM, the daily “lessons” (conversations) with Spirit began, teaching me how to see each of my mundane challenges and opportunities, not through my usual dark and fuzzy lens of the ego, but with the perfect light of Truth instead.

Eli: Nouk, you’re back in Santa Fe, New Mexico! How does it feel to be home for an extended period after years of being on the road with Tomas as a teacher and of course the eventful past 6 months with Tomas’ passing?

Nouk: Oh Eli, it’s magnificent to be home here. I’m naturally an introvert and like to spend much of my time in ‘open-eyed’ meditation, either in stillness or as I’m going about my day. Being alone at home affords me the silence in which I Listen (with a capital L). Home here is outside Santa Fe in the Pecos Mountains and it is quiet and majestic. This will be the first year, since we moved here 6 years ago, that we’re planting a garden and I am already having a ball and up to my elbows in good ‘ol New Mexican dirt.

During 2010 I was home a maximum of 6 weeks and the last 6 months of it was spent in Victoria, BC Canada living with and taking care of Tomas. It was a rich time of growth and integration; and we shared it together in much joy and peace. Eli, I hear that you too, lived in Santa Fe for a while and loved it. And I know Carrie is another fan of Santa Fe. What is it about Santa Fe that is so captivating?

Eli: Ahh, yes. Santa Fe is an important location for me. It marks the first time God’s Presence became a visceral experience for me. I arrived in Northern New Mexico from Seattle, Washington unexpectedly after a 3 month journey in which I had no destination and no itinerary. I was opening to Spirit, yes, but I immediately ran into problems since this experience also brought to the fore major blocks in my personality that had prevented spiritual development. What a mess I got into! Anyway, it’s Santa Fe that comes to mind when I hear the term spiritual awakening.

It’s interesting you mention open-eyed meditation, and time to Listen. This is a vital feature for me living in Italy. The culture here does not move fast at all. Time and pleasure are taken for the smallest of details. We live on a plateau outside Trieste Italy near the border of Slovenia. It is a stark landscape called the Carso. Rock formations pop up in every direction. The plant life is what we might call “bush” in English.  Many find the area bleak but it has the same provocative spaces as Santa Fe for me. I treasure my daily walks, just to hear the sounds of my boots coming into contact with the trail, and to get to see the ever changing foliage around me.

Speaking of gardens, we just brought our wheel barrows back from the horse stables around the block with a big fresh stinky inventory of horse poop. Or I guess I should call it fertilizer. There was a long discussion amongst the neighbours on the quality of the manure this year and if it matched the pigeon dung down the way at Antonio’s bird coup. I just tried to busy myself with the forsythia hedge?!?!?

Carrie: My love for Santa Fe can be summed up in two words: Green chiles! No, not really. The loneliness of the Sangre de Cristo Mountains, the compelling cocktail of Spanish Catholic conquest intertwined with Native American history…the place just speaks to me. I understand why you both love it there so much. But the food really is killer.

Eli: Nouk, tell us a little about the experience of processing Tomas’ passing from last Dec? How are you doing?

Nouk: Sorry to be delayed in responding. I’m back! Whew…I just had a series of ‘worldly’ speed bumps… but I got through ok. I seem to be good at the BIG forgiveness lessons now…no drama. Whereas before I was such a drama-queen it’s embarrassing (who was that girl???). Seems now the forgiveness opportunities begging for me to classify them as 100% illusion (along with the Biggie’s), all have the same appearance. They’re usually to do with institutions, legal paperwork or computer technology.

Carrie: Yes, those are some big ones!!!

Nouk: At least the forgiveness lessons are narrowing down considerably. I’ve had to talk to a number of legal representatives recently and nearly every one of them was a loveless ‘voice’ that echoed a hollow and meaningless existence. One yesterday had me in absolute hysterics. He called me. And when I answered he launched into some spacey kind of rhythm-less rap that I was sure was a recording. After a good minute or two of this, I finally interrupted asking, “Are you a real human being or is this a recording?” – and then there was stunned silence. A few seconds later he stuttered a response and the semblance of a real-living person became audible. “Ahhh…now we can start again” I said.

That call was a breakthrough. We, this seeming voice and I, finally made a connection. A holy instant flashed through and we ended that exchange in laughter – together. Another forgiveness lesson ended in laughter, joining and joy. I’m ready to mow ‘em down! (forgiveness lessons that is, lol!)…

Carrie: What a wonderful story! Thank you!!

Nouk: Let’s get back to your question, Elizabeth, about Tomas’ passing. There has been an awesome shift and healing that has occurred. It is so huge that it’s hard to distill it without losing the valuable lessons. There’s a recent article I wrote on this (4 pages) in our March 2011 newsletter. The link is: http://hosted.verticalresponse.com/625604/3c03b2a642/282052867/14f117a7d9/
I’m feeling incredibly blessed now. But when I got home from Canada after Tomas’ passing I experienced the deepest, darkest night of the soul that I can ever recollect. I see that when you’re asleep and you suffer something like the death of a loved one, it’s horrendous. But when you’ve done a lot of undoing already and then you hit the wall with your worst nightmare appearing to materialize (Tomas’ death), there is no description for the agony. For me it wasn’t so much that I’d miss Tomas as we’re so joined that there is quite literally no separation and no break in our communication. My agony came from believing that he shouldn’t have died from disease. I had an expectation that he’d leave the body the way Jesus says is optimal; in perfect health. The body is simply laid aside when we’re done with it…no disease, no struggle and no sacrifice. When that expectation wasn’t met, I believed that something had gone terribly wrong; that God (Love) was wrong. In this insanity, I plunged into a god-less hell in my mind and ALL my trust in God fell away.

I was saved by our daughter, Rikki. She saw the emergency of the situation and literally brought me back from hell with her pure love and wisdom. I also received an insight that slapped me back into right-mindedness. You see, I desperately wanted to ‘understand’ what had happened. That’s what we want when something tragic appears to happen. But Jesus teaches us that we can’t really ever understand anything unless we first ‘forgive’ it. In forgiving the appearance of Tomas’ death, healing took place. I only needed to express my willingness to surrender the need to understand and to choose to see it all with Holy Spirit. A miracle occurred for both Rikki and me. All sense of loss, of grief, and of fear and doubt just fell away. That was January this year. We’ve been blessed with this consistent perception as long as we maintain vigilance in looking past appearances whenever tempted. So, there’s a lot of joy, Love and laughter these days!

Carrie: Wow. Thank you for sharing this. Most of us can relate to the deep pain of losing a loved one, but you’re talking about a crisis of much greater proportions. A loss of faith combined, or intertwined, with the human loss. It’s heartbreaking to hear about, because it’s clear how much you suffered – but I can’t help being absolutely thrilled for you as well. (I can’t help it! I’m one of those completely annoying people who celebrates major crises of this kind, because they’re like emergency surgery that digs out a long-festering infection we didn’t even realize we had.)

Tomas’ passing forced you to face the conditional love you were offering to God. ‘I’ll trust & believe as long as things go my way in this most critical situation.’ Who among us hasn’t bargained with God at some point? And even if we don’t do that consciously anymore, I have no doubt most of us can still be pushed to the breaking point of faith, given the right – or wrong –  worldly stimulus. Yet you (with Rikki’s help) pushed through this most bitter of blocks, to surrender the need to control or even understand the situation, thereby revealing the beautiful joy and Love and renewed sense of trust waiting just beyond it. That’s an incredibly inspirational example that you’re setting there, chiquita. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, for doing it, and also for telling us about it.

Nouk: Carrie, the ‘thrilled’ part is very telling. Thank you for mirroring to me my perfect invulnerability through your joyous perception! You’re siding with right-mindedness and empathy rather than the ego’s ‘sympathy’…ahhh…this is so healing!

Eli: OK, dear hearts, let’s talk about relationships. Nouk, I’ve noticed how different our awakening processes have been. Yours, I think it’s fair to say, has been in the context of relationships. While my spiritual journey has been more of a solo one. I mean, I am married with two sons and my relationships are central to my life but I would not place them as the factors in realizing Love. For me, my travels and adventures alone have been at the crux of my awakening.

Nouk: My spiritual journey really began when I joined with Tomas in 1984. We both had a deep yearning to experience a Love that couldn’t be threatened. Looking back, even then, we desired to break through the limitations of human love (special love). We wanted to know Love without limits or conditions – it’s just that we didn’t know how to go about it. It was this desire that inspired us to make a sacred vow to each other with Spirit, “No matter what and no matter who might seem to come between us, let us never abandon each other.” And then the challenges really began!

Carrie: For me, well, I would say my awakening has been about the absence of relationships. Like you, Eli, I’m married and that’s been wonderful, but it isn’t my primary spiritual catalyst. My spiritual journey has been all about trauma and misperception about my own poisonous un-lovability and untrustworthiness. I arrived at these firmly fixed notions about myself before even drawing my first breath on this planet (during the final stages of my mother’s pregnancy). And 50-something years later, I feel like I’m finally making meaningful headway in learning how to love and trust. Or be loved and be trusted.

Eli: So let’s look more deeply at awakening through a relationship. What are the joys and pitfalls of this context? I mean, I recognize we are always growing in our relationships. Our interactions and reflections from/with others are crucial tools for forgiveness and understanding. But what happens when the relationship becomes the avenue to discovery?

Nouk: I guess the pitfalls are that we encounter, face to face, a mirror of our own unconscious self-saboteur (once the romance wears off). While this is a blessing in the awakening context, it can be quite sobering in a relationship. As with all special relationships, I chose Tomas initially because I expected him to fulfill my needs, to make me happy. I remember saying “If you love me, then you’ll do what I want.” After all he was going to complete me in some way because all my life I had felt as if ‘something’ was missing and when I met Tomas, I thought that he was it. Little did I know that the piece that was missing was my Self; the God Self.

I found that the journey to Self through my relationship was one of undoing nearly every belief and value that I had previously guarded. When I look back now I see that I was so heavily invested (unconsciously) in deprivation in all forms. Fear, doubt and insecurity drove me and there was little peace.

In the early days we had a tumultuous relationship, me as a victim and Tomas as victimizer. Great leaps forward occurred for me when I was able to observe those moments when Tomas really triggered me. It was then that I recognized that to the level he triggered me emotionally, was the same degree of self-hatred (guilt) that I projected onto him. In other words, I “used” him unconsciously to attack myself. Doing this made me look innocent and made him appear as a victimizer. We all do this each time we take offense.

Carrie: Oh boy, does that ever ring a bell for me! For many years in my marriage (and in plenty of failed relationships before that) I was convinced I was the victim. It took me a very long time to realize that the dismissive or uncaring behavior coming from my partner was just a mirror of my own unconsciously dismissive and scornful beliefs about myself.

In recent years, (with lots of the Course’s method of forgiveness under my belt, and lots of self-healing as a result) I’ve seen a complete turnaround in my husband’s behavior toward me. And I know damn well that he hasn’t changed at all! It’s almost comical, really, when you think about the pain and rage we waste on attacking “others” for our own sneaky self-sabotage.

Nouk: Yes, that’s the thing…when we practice taking responsibility for projecting attack, it finally dawns on us that there’s no body ‘out-there’ doing anything ‘to’ us and what a comedy that is! The upshot and joys of relationship as a means to awaken include the level of healing between us as we learn to forgive our partner. I took responsibility for my own emotional reactions, accepting that if I took offense then this attack must have originated from me. Forgiveness was the key. Having Tomas show up as a clear mirror of my own unhealed beliefs was a monumental blessing. An immense gratitude arose in me as he showed me just “where” my own blocks to Real Love were…in my mind. He was the catalyst to bring up all my unconscious self-hatred. How could this have been healed while it remained locked up in the dark shadows of my mind?

Interestingly, when we met I was aware that something was missing in my self. As we got closer and owned our own projections using forgiveness, we were able to be totally vulnerable and open with each other. And the more transparent we were the more safe we became. Judgment, conditions and expectations fell away and we were remarkably present with each other without ego’s need to control. The hole within me was filling up. How? As I gave forgiveness, as I extended and gave to Tomas what I so desperately wanted for myself (Love), I discovered that I must have had this Love within all along. How else could I have extended it? And I saw that the more I GAVE forgiveness and Love, the more I was filled.

Eli: Your relationship with Tomas is well known within the ACIM circles. Your commitment to one another and your mutual desire for Truth is a hallmark for us all. Without a doubt seeing projections in the other and forgiving them are the bread and butter of healing. And finding a partner with whom you can share the forgiveness or healing process is wonderful. But let’s back up a minute.

Girl meets boy and sees the same longing within him. Girl and boy are attracted to one another and the shared mutual desire makes the union that much more dynamic and involving. But what was happening here? You want to love and be loved. But is there really another person with whom you could make this sacred vow? Was the issue devotion or placing a promise, your promise with yourself, onto the relationship?

Nouk: I’m not really understanding this question and wondered if you could perhaps put it another way? I’m finding lately (didn’t have this issue before) that it’s become difficult to answer some questions. Why? Let’s see if I can articulate this weird phenomenon? Ok…seems in order to draw on an answer, it requires a question that “calls forth” the Holy Spirit or divine answer from within. I find there’s not too much “Nouk” left these days to answer anything, lol! It’s the weirdest thing! I think for the most part, Nouk has abdicated her addictive role as chief commander in this life.

Carrie: Well although that might not make for the most compelling answer, dialog-wise…what you just said, Nouk, about abdicating the addictive role of perceiver and answer-shaper is incredibly profound. That you are starting to only feel inspired to answer when literally ‘In-Spirit’ (as opposed to being wrapped up in egoic ‘business as usual’) is very good news for us all. And highly ‘In-Spir-ational,’ I might add.

Eli: OK, let’s see. You mentioned in meeting Tomas you felt you shared the same desire for Love. How would you articulate that desire or that wish for Love that you both had in common?

Nouk: I’m about to rip up the foundation of “romance” here; so please accept my interpretation as a forgiveness opportunity, lol!

Carrie: Go for it!

Nouk: When we fall in love and if we’re truthful about our goal in this, we usually choose to hear only one voice and that’s the ego. The goal is to get our (ego – personal self’s) needs met both physically and emotionally. The goal is to “get.” So there is a fundamental belief that we are deprived, that we are not whole. And we unconsciously use our romantic partner to make us feel whole. And when they don’t meet our (ego) conditions and needs, we withdraw our love. We fall out of love, we become estranged, or we separate or divorce.

This is human love. It’s fickle, fragile, temporary and open to being threatened by other people, circumstances and eventually by death itself. The Love that both Tomas and I wanted was one that couldn’t be threatened…somewhere in our deepest memory lay the stirrings of the call back to Love with no opposite. We’d both reached a point where we desired to experience uninterrupted Love, Love that is indestructible. We entered a union and commitment to remember this Love as One Mind. Of course that meant that we, as individual personal selves, had to open up to a whole other level of Love to pour through. This included looking honestly at where the prioritizing of our own personal “conditions” would obstruct the flow of unconditional Love. And there was a truckload of conditions in those early years!

We really wanted to experience a deep, open and transparent Love. To be in the presence of another and yet to have no shame, no defense and no needs. This is the Love that comes from within, from our Holy Self. And one way to have this direct experience is through committing to a Holy Relationship with another. We’re really only relating to ourselves but in a relationship context, it’s so powerful to have all your false beliefs and values totally over-looked (forgiven) by a seeming “other.” To be suffering and to have another see PAST your suffering, mirroring to you your perfect invulnerability. This is indeed a quick pathway to undoing the whole concept of separation and suffering. All we truly want is to remember our original pristine innocence, our absolute guiltlessness. And in a relationship like this when we set the goal BEYOND the personal little self, then that’s the outcome. As we learn to “give” what we think we need – the memory of our innocence and its precious reflection is restored. And nothing in this world can threaten it!

It’s funny to look back. In 1984 we made a vow to Spirit and Self as well as to each other: “No matter what and no matter who might seem to come between us, let us never abandon each other.” That’s one heck of a vow! If we all took and kept this vow with everyone we’ve ever loved, no one could be estranged. It’s impossible.

We committed ourselves to this vow although we didn’t know at the time that in order to be fulfilled, it would cost us every one of our blocks to the awareness of Love’s presence!

Carrie: Nouk, the book you wrote with Tomas (Take Me to Truth) about transforming egoic ‘special’ relationships into Holy relationships was a huge influence on me. My husband practices something other than ACIM, and has no interest in it, so prior to reading your book I had been doing a one-sided Holy relationship with him – which was mostly about me trying to take responsibility, to the best of my ability, for both our tendencies to misperceive. And there’s nothing wrong with that!

But your book inspired me to embark on a two-way Holy relationship with a good friend in addition to the one-sided one. I mean, there are all kinds of special relationships in the world, right? Not all of them involve mortgage payments and anniversary gifts and picking up the cat from the vet’s office. Anyway, the courage and honesty and profound trust that are required – even in a friendship – to go from special to Holy relationship are pretty staggering. It takes us to some pretty scary, unsafe places. My hat is truly off to you and Tomas, for never wavering in this goal of Holy relationship (despite the huge challenges it presented you both, not to mention other family members).

Nouk: Carrie, yes – thanks a million for making a very important point here. And that is that every relationship regardless of whether it’s romantic or not, has the potential for profound healing. While my relationship with Tomas was the first “healed” relationship for me, from this eventually all relationships reflected the healing that had occurred in my own mind; even the dreadful one that I had with my mother for so many years. And I love your new term…a ‘one-sided’ Holy Relationship…boy that one really gave me the giggles! How perfect. Can I borrow it?

Carrie: It’s yours!

Nouk: You don’t need two people with the same conscious intent to experience the healing of a Holy Relationship. After all, there’s only ONE of us! But when we’re in the throes of transforming a typical special relationship and we’re all alone in our intent (a ‘one-sided’ Holy Relationship), it can be pretty isolating for a while.

Eli: I realize any path will bring us Home to God, even just sitting and staring at a white wall. (Come to think of it, this may be better than some of the things I’ve tried?!?!?) But there are ways to facilitate and ease our path. Looking back at your experience with Tomas, Nouk, what can we learn? I see the promise you wanted as a promise for Love, to honour Love, which is very comprehensible. But is this really only a promise that can occur between you and God? As you were saying above, there is really no-one else out there.

I agree that the relationship or our physical world will reflect the decisions we make within ourselves, with God. But the relationship itself is not the source. So, my question is, can we ask this promise, this decision of the relationship itself?

Nouk: I guess what I’m trying to say is this. That in commencing the Course I started to realize that there was only ONE in this relationship, in any relationship. And that one was me. It began to dawn on me that the suffering that Tomas appeared to cause me – were my own projected blocks to the awareness of Love’s presence. I was unconsciously using him to attack myself. This is projection. And in that first year of studying the Course when Tomas’ ego was at its height of resistance, I caught a glimpse of my own fear, anger and resistance being mirrored back to me through him. It was ‘me’ I was dealing with through Tomas; my own fear, anger and bitterness. And I learnt that to the degree that I was able to see this and surrender it to Holy Spirit, was the same extent that I experienced a level of peace…regardless of Tomas’ seeming anger and disillusionment.

The goal to utilize ‘relationship’ as a means to awaken is a noble one. But it involves the necessary realization that there is always only ONE in that relationship. And that one is you. To the degree another triggers an emotional reaction in you – to that degree he/she is helping to exhume your own unconscious blocks to the awareness of Love’s presence. It took a while but eventually I got to the place within where I would feel relief and then gratitude to have my buttons pushed. Because each time I demonstrated my ‘willingness’ to not take offense and instead, asked Spirit to help me forgive this – a remarkable shift in my perception would occur. And it was the collective application of this principle that created a massive shift in my mind and therefore in the world I perceived …from the perception of suffering, deprivation and injustice, to a monumental leap into Joy, Love, Safety and Glorious Grace.

Carrie: YES! It’s the gratitude that seems to be some kind of turning point in perception. At least it is for me; when I can get to a place where I feel authentic fond tenderness for that person who is pushing my buttons, it’s because I realize they’re acting as that part of my One self that is oh-so-lovingly showing me the dark matter that is yet to be healed in me. They’re answering my prayer! (even if their conscious mind is oblivious that this is what they’re doing for me. It doesn’t matter.) Gratitude wells up naturally, when I stop and think about this fantastic gift this person is going out of his or her way to give me! By taking this gratitude I feel for the “other” person and handing it over to Spirit along with a request for corrected perception…in my experience, that’s when the quantum leaps of healing and freedom occur. These, I believe, are the massive shifts in perception that you are referring to, Nouk.

People tend to think we’re insane when we say, “oh, I’m really grateful,” or “oh, I’m really relieved” when the shit hits the fan and buttons are pressed. But I really AM grateful and relieved, because that means it’s a chance to heal something that’s been a deep and persistent source of suffering in me, all along. It’s a window of opportunity to ask for Help in correcting my own painful misperceptions, right here, right now.

Our deepest darkest crap is rarely available to us. We might not be aware a certain destructive thought pattern even exists, because it’s buried so deep in the unconscious ego mind. Or maybe there’s a persistent source of pain, and we’re aware of it but we’ve learned ‘pain management’ over the years. It’s hard to bring those things to light and find the strength to dig down deep and heal them once and for all. There isn’t usually enough clarity or motivation. But when it’s all right up in your grille, oh boy!! You’ve got yourself all the clarity you could want – and plenty of motivation too! LOL! I’m so relieved whenever a giant source of unconscious pain is brought to light, because I know it’s an engraved invitation for me to be free of that pain forever. Having my buttons pushed is truly one the greatest gifts anybody could give me. But of course I didn’t always see it that way.

Nouk: Carrie, thank you for clarifying what this gratitude experience can ‘look like’ once we’re willing to forgive…

Eli: Just taking in the words feels like a huge breath of fresh air!

Eli: Let’s go further together in considering what Love looks like in our day to day lives. For example, Nouk, your decision for Love with Tomas lead you to a divorce. In this case, the realization for Love came despite the relationship, or even more, the absence of the partnership you originally established together. Give us more of the story.

Nouk: Back in the day, I suffered from the same misperception that most of us have about romantic relationships. And that is the belief that it takes “two” to make a Loving relationship. When I talk about our relationship (Tomas and I) I’m including a journey here of 27 years. While initially we both had such awesome intentions in making our vow – the first few years of our relationship was quite a riot. It was plagued with dysfunction. Despite our best intentions we had a classic co-dependent relationship that was chock full of all kinds of ego projections. The first 6 years AFTER our vow were pretty horrendous; to the point where in the sixth year, 1990, I took on A Course in Miracles to try to help us. The result? Tomas went ballistic. He was so angry with this ridiculous Course that seemed to be saying that all of Tomas’ suffering was NOT caused by his wife (me) but by his own projection of unconscious guilt. And so he promptly decided to leave me and the Course to enjoy an extended vacation to Papua New Guinea for a few months. Upon his return it took him quite a while before he’d even look at the Course. After many years of journeying through the Course and making every conceivable mistake and misinterpretation along the way – Tomas and I came to a place within and together where we felt a genuine shift in our perception. I guess you could call it a shift from fear and doubt being the main motivator, to surrendering more into Love and Trust. We trusted our Guidance from within more than listening to the ego. During this phase of the ‘undoing’, we saw that we still clung to form. The ego had an investment in the ‘form’ of marriage. This might seem insane and I don’t recommend this to anyone, but in 1997 Tomas and I were guided to stretch past the ego’s limitations on Love. We decided to end the marriage (form) in order to save the relationship (Love is the content). While it was a little scary at times, we did this while holding hands, and stayed in contact every day. Actually our Love deepened profoundly…beyond the conditions imposed by our personal selves. We were pioneers at the time and this was our Guidance…

Eli: OK here I would also call the relationship form but anyway I know what you’re saying. You wanted to save the Love between you.

Nouk: Just to clarify further, we desired to take our Love to higher level and this called for more surrendering of any remaining restrictions to that process. For us at the time, the marriage was a safety net and therefore a restriction. The result of this decision brought us so much closer although the romantic part fell away. We stayed close and grew together. And a few years later I re-married after traveling to the USA from Australia (This is an amazing story in itself! The ‘undoing’ that this precipitated was life-changing). This began yet another magnificent saga of on-going holy relationships and our spiritual family was extending. The last 4 years Tomas lived with Nick and I for part of each year and Nick and Tomas were very close, like brothers.

Relationship is one form or path we can choose to awaken. The awakening path appears in numerous forms. The common theme in all of them is the eventual recognition that there is only ONE relationship (in God, through all relationships) one Love, and one Self. And that everything along with all values and beliefs, apart from this ONE must be undone. This ONE is God, is Love and Joy with no opposite. And my most recent epiphany after Tomas passed, deepened my trust in God by proving to me beyond a doubt, that anything appearing apart from all Love – does not exist. And what does not exist can’t hurt me.

Tomas and I, with his passing, have entered yet another change in the ‘form’ of our relationship. This time it’s a one-body-sided relationship, lol! Me with a body and he without one. I’m learning even more about the refinement of communication between us. The form has changed however and the content (Love) has leapt into a higher gear. Who said you need a body to communicate? It’s going to be fun to participate in the maturing of this new form of communication. I’ve already learned one important thing about it. Communication with Tomas falls away if there are feelings of sadness, loss or grief. Sentimental thoughts of the past are another communication buster. This process has me in a fairly consistent state of joy and peace as a result. What a way to learn!

Carrie: I can feel your joy as you describe this, Nouk! After such a seemingly devastating loss of a loved one like you experienced, it’s hard to imagine a life without the physical presence of that person. And yet, the relationship with the physical person is so limited in comparison to the full-time 24/7, rain-or-shine Loving companion you’ve gained instead. The lesson you’re learning – that this loving communication is available to you always, as long as you’re not letting yourself be dragged down into believing in the ego’s stories of pain and loss instead – is so perfect. And what a fantastically joyous motivator for learning it!

I’m a big fan of using joyous motivators, myself. I used to only be able to grow in faith during painful crises and big drama (I’m talking the first 15 years or so of my Buddhist practice). And when things in my daily life were going well, I got a little lazy, frankly, in my desire for ultimate Truth. I liked how great it felt to stretch myself and take new leaps of faith during those crises, even though my personal life was a wreck. And I hated feeling stagnant & stuck in my faith, during those periods when life was great. It took me a very long time to realize I was actually engineering crises in my life every few months, so I could keep growing spiritually! Well, forget that!! I vowed back then to start using every opportunity to deepen my faith, and quit creating drama as a means for growth. The result is that I almost never experience those kinds of crises anymore, and plentiful growth opportunities come instead via what I like to call “gentle-joyous” means. The lessons themselves are still hard sometimes, but learning these gorgeous lessons is always a wonderful, enriching process. And what you’ve described above, about being taught to stay in a state of joy and peace and Oneness if you want to connect with Tomas — well I’d call that a big time gentle-joyous motivator! Yay!

Nouk: Oh Wow…Carrie. This is incredibly helpful. Let’s come back to this topic in our future talks. THANK YOU.

Eli: I agree Carrie. You have a way of bringing it to delightfulness.  What a gift!

Eli: Let’s bring the discussion of Tomas full circle. What if we imagine life without him? My question is directed to Nouk but also to all of us who have been moved by Tomas/Nouk’s path. What happens when we pretend for a minute that Tomas never existed or that his realizations were of no importance. What comes to mind?

Nouk: This question is difficult to answer from a place of authenticity. And now I see why. It’s become difficult for me to answer hypothetical questions…I didn’t know this until now, so thanks for unearthing this for me Eli. From where I am now, I see that Tomas IS me. And if I’d lived till now without Tomas then through my intense desire to awaken, I would probably have utilized whomever or whatever appeared in my life – as a mirror to awaken. There is only one mind, one ego appearing as many and only one Holy Self.

From a personal perspective and from the perceptional view that I am currently experiencing, I see a full life unfolding without Tomas’ body needing to be present. This might sound kinda crazy but it’s as if he left his body and jumped right into my own mind. We were always close and almost one-minded especially those last few years that he was in the body. But – looking back I see that the body still posed to some degree, a separation between us. In a body, we don’t get a chance to revel in the joy and peace of a body-less (need-free) state much. The body (emotional and physical) demands the most intense attention or should I say distraction.  We get so distracted by the body’s daily preoccupation with thinking, eating, working, responding, etc. What I’m feeling now is a much clearer ‘presence’ of Tomas within me. And it’s instantaneous now. To communicate before, we’d have to wait till we were willing to prioritize deep communication OVER all the other meaningless distractions that we accept as being ‘life.’ Saying this just now, I see how the ego is obsessed by the personal self’s (body) needs rather than to consistently prioritize true ‘communion.’

Coming full circle for me, seems to include the literal realization that we ARE all one. It’s been easier for me to see this with my soul buddy Tomas but from this amazing joining we’re now experiencing, it appears to be closing the ‘gap’ between Nouk and seeming others as well. In relating with others, I often feel such compassion (not all the time, but getting there, lol!). The imaginary line between us is dissolving and the desire to give and share rather than to get and protect, spontaneously arises without any thought at all. The conclusion I’m coming to in my current experience is that there really is no separation between us…except in my ‘own’ imagination.

Eli: In finishing up our first (joyful) conversation together, let’s talk about our relationships now? Or let’s talk about relating. I suppose it doesn’t even have to be a person. How about simply your relationship with your garden?  Or with the tomato seeds? Or with the dirt? Ah-oh, where is this leading?

Nouk: What a wonderful question Eli! Relating? Well…for me I’m learning to simplify. I am being blessed more each day with the awareness of God’s Love in all I see and all I interact with. I guess I’m choosing consciously to ask myself “what is this for?” before the ego jumps in and hijacks my conversations or daily decisions. When I ask “what is this for?” it takes me immediately to the source of my relating, into the ‘intent’ behind it, beneath what I’m about to do or to say. Is this urge coming from fear and doubt or is it arising from Love and trust?

Take the garden for instance. I’ve never gardened in my life. Now, after Tomas’ has passed…Rikki and I have a project together, one that involves new life. This is the propagation and enjoyment of a wonderful garden. I have many decisions to make, and stuff to study about composting, vermiculture, seed germination, cold frames, etc. Hey, no body told me just how involved, how complicated gardening could be! Now I could really get my knickers in a knot over all of this but then I remember, “what is it for?” and peace is restored. This project is for joy, peace, love and joining…that’s where the essence is. And if I allow myself to get caught in the “have to’s”, the “rules” and the “expectations” of this project then I’ve missed out on truly relating at all (other than with the ego’s projections).

This garden project is a great opportunity for me to tap into Spirit. Instead of adhering to rules the ego made, I just listen to intuition and feel into the germination of the seeds…they tell me when they need water, nutrients or when to transplant them. I’m listening to them, to Life itself telling me how to trust the Wisdom we all share.

Eli: I want to savor your words Nouk – relationships can take us to our source of relating, to experience our intent to be with spirit. Thank you. Relationships in my life have had very different contours and yet the lessons from your story effect me deeply. Sharing is profound in how it allows others to learn with you.

This reminds me of one of the first things that enchanted me about life in Italy – how people stop and talk to one another. I am probably a typical American in that I’m very task oriented. There is something always in the back of my mind about what I have to DO. People often feel like things around me on my way to doing.

But in Italy I am frequently captivated by how people stop, pause, and interact, seemingly to forget whatever they were about to do. Even their body position is different. They sit back on their hips like they were perched on a branch just to chat for no reason except the joy of interacting. Life seems to stand still and the doings or other goings on disappear.

Carrie: Funny, Eli, that you mention body position as an external way of observing the delight a person might feel in relating or sharing with others. Recently I was at a conference where I spent quite an unusual amount of time (for me, anyway) interacting with strangers. Just the fact that I was there and DOING it is a huge testament to the healing effects of the trust relationship I now share with Spirit; a year ago it would’ve been miserably hard for me. But now, much of that sharing and interacting was actually quite nice, although some of it still made me uncomfortable.

Anyway, part of this oddball new ‘public’ life is that I had a friend there acting as my staff photographer, and he was trying to get some nice un-posed shots of me talking with various other folks…but he had a hard time of it because apparently I stand very far away from everyone I’m talking to, and my body language is that I lean waaay back, like I’m in a gale force wind or something. LOL! And when that was pointed out to me, I realized that I often do indeed spend the whole conversation wishing I was anyplace else but here. Not because the other person doesn’t interest me, but because I’m so wrapped up in my own discomfort I just want it to be over. So I guess there’s always more healing and opening and trusting and sharing to be done. And that’s another prime example of a gentle-joyous catalyst for self-examination, forgiveness & growth. God, I love Spirit!

Nouk: In pausing on the subject of relating, something important came up for me. My ability to relate to people went through a pretty radical shift once I’d launched into ‘living’ the Course. Prior to this, I could freely converse on a diverse range of topics. I had all kinds of interests. Notably at the top of the list was the very real belief in victimization (my favorite topic at the time, lol!). And as embarrassing as this might sound, I would lace nearly all my conversations with a thread of victimization. After watching the daily news I would find a way to tie whatever recent disaster or threat appeared into my exchanges at work. And at home? Well, having been an ‘abused’ child I spent quite a few years dwelling on the seeming cause of all my problems. And back then I was convinced they arose from my emotionally abusive childhood. Other times I felt it was Tomas’ fault. The overall tone of nearly all my relating was a fundamental belief that the ‘world was being done to me’ and that I was a victim of it. I’ve since realized that this mass conscious MYTH is responsible for ALL our suffering.

As the undoing of the ego thought system took place a brand new reality revealed itself. I was never a victim, because the seeming world is not ‘out there’ but in my own mind. So the world was always being done ‘by me and not to me.’ This was such a total reversal of the very foundation of all my beliefs that it changed my relating (and my life!) profoundly.

I mention this because I’ve noticed this is a challenge that affects almost every sincere student on the awakening journey; the outcome of this change is a phase of isolation and maybe loneliness. Looking back I see that this was, although very uncomfortable, a valuable stage of rekindling and reinforcing my connection to and reliance on Holy Spirit (rather than anyone/thing outside). For me there was no more common ground on which to base conversations with people. And…there was another factor that crept in and gradually took over too. I began to shy away from gossip or superficial, meaningless discussions with family and friends (I used to love this, lol!). I just couldn’t stomach anything that didn’t contain at least some morsel of spiritual Truth.

To cut a long story short,

Carrie and Eli: LOL!!!!!!!!!!!

Nouk: Many friends just fell away. Did I mention the old family dynamics exploded? There were great changes that occurred for me back then. The old victim paradigm eventually gave way to a joyful and far more peaceful one. New friends, a spiritual family who shared in this life-changing thought-system drifted in…and stayed. Life has taken on an eternal ‘shimmer’ now and what I used to call relating has now morphed into more of an intimate ‘communion;’ that sometimes doesn’t require any words.

Carrie: Wow, Nouk. I know just what you’re talking about, although I suspect you’re a bit farther down that road than I am! I’m at the stage where I still say pandering, meaningless things (particularly with folks I don’t know well – nervous cocktail party chatter, in other words) but I’m acutely aware that I’m doing it, and the feeling is extremely uncomfortable! The essence of my being doesn’t want me to relate to anybody in that kind of “ooh, please like me! If I say nonsense pop-cultural things to make you comfortable, will you like me?” manner that I’ve always used. But my personality-self hasn’t quite caught up with my essential self yet, LOL!!

But I have experienced the falling away of old relationships (twice, really – first when my Buddhist practice became serious many years ago,  I lost my deep karmic attraction for darkness/cynicism/self destruction, and those friends who supported and fed that outlook drifted away and gradually were replaced by people who were nourished by spiritual growth instead. And a second time, now that my inner focus – and Facebook page – is all about Oneness and awakening!) I feel like the bonds that hold together my personality-self are unwinding…and with that disentanglement I’m finding the structural supports that upheld many of my relationships are no longer there. It’s an odd feeling, letting it all go. But you’re right, it causes me to go deeper within & strengthen my friendship with the only One there is.

Nouk: So I’m not the only one who feels uncomfortable trying to relate with ‘sleeping’ people in the world? Thanks Carrie. I really identify with the people-pleasing; that one used to be my specialty. I’m still tempted occasionally in social gatherings like weddings or funerals. And like you, when I give in to meaningless chit-chat the backlash caused by my being inauthentic is pretty ugly. That’s why I consciously skip most social gatherings these days (my husband forgives me).

Part of this undoing is discovering our addictions and one of the most compulsive ones for me was people-pleasing. How can you possibly get to know (and trust) your Self when you’re addicted to inflating the egos of others? And I ended up co-writing a book on ‘undoing the ego.’ It’s so funny! I used to please their egos in order to protect mine! What a laugh! Healing came for me when I consistently and consciously observed each time I felt the urge to please – without self-judgment…just noticing and deciding not to do it anymore. It was pretty shocking to see just how much my ‘relating’ was based on obligation rather than a felt-sense of Guidance from Spirit. Like many people I was so fearful of alienation that I built a personality based on being seen as ‘good.’ Wow, did that ever have to die a thousand deaths!

When I pulled my own personality rug from under my friends and family’s table – my world of relating appeared to collapse temporarily. Friends and family who meant well wanted Nouk back in her box where everything was familiar. This new Nouk was not ‘nice’ and certainly not ‘good’ anymore. She’d become irreverent and terribly spontaneous not to mention lazy, uncaring and irresponsible. Oooh, scary stuff, my worst nightmare? Yes. The alienation that I’d busted my ass to stave off all my life had finally descended like a black cloud. Isolation set in and the true development of trust in Spirit (my Holy Self) began. Yet, this for me was necessary. The undoing of another massive chunk of the ego, the block to my awareness of Love and Joy…and looking back I’d do it all over again if that’s what it took to know the limitless Love, Joy and Peace that I have now.

Carrie: Amen, sister! I very much look forward to the additional undoing that’s in store for me, so I can get off the self-conscious merry-go-round once and for all, and be comfortable with the real Self that’s waiting patiently behind it.

Eli: I know this has been a lengthy conversation but a few more questions are waiting to come out. Let’s keep going. Can we also talk about a relationship with Spirit? How would you describe yours?

Carrie: oooh, what a great question! I would say, dearest possible Friend. Most patient, loving Teacher. The Presence with the coolest, gentlest most delightful sense of humor ever! Hang around with such an incredibly trustworthy & non-judgmental Companion long enough, and the attributes can’t help but start to rub off! There couldn’t be a better influence.

A few years back, I did have a brief moment of being so flummoxed by the overwhelmingly unconditional kindness and care being shown to me, that I developed a short term “crush” on Spirit! LOL! It only lasted a few days, thankfully, before I sorted out my feelings. But even during that short crush period, when I asked if those strangely inappropriate feelings were ok for the moment, the answer was perfect in its amused, non-judgmental kindness: of course. knock yourself out. (I told this story in Long Time No See, but actually revised Spirit’s answer to Of course. No worries. Somehow “knock yourself out” sounded so violent on paper! Yet, Spirit communicates with each of us – whether in words, or inspiration or whatever – in the language or manner best suited to us. And “knock yourself out” is an expression I use often. If I were writing that book nowadays, I probably would’ve trusted in Spirit and used the exact phrase the way I heard it. Live and learn!)

Anyway, the description I’ve just given makes it sound as if Spirit is a separate person hanging around. And that’s appropriate, because for many years that’s how I’ve experienced it. But things are changing these days, & I hardly have language to describe the phenomenon, but I seem to be in the very early stages of some other kind of relationship. Maybe I’m just slow on the uptake (definitely!) but I’m only now starting to experience that wonderful Presence as something that is within me. Wait – not just within – the same thing as me. Maybe. I don’t know how else to describe it.

Nouk: Awesome Carrie…this resonates and for me, it’s so helpful.

Eli: Oh, good, thank you Carrie. This is the exact question with which I wanted to end OUR JOINING conversation on relationships: How does relating to spirit affect your relationship with yourself?

Carrie: For me, it’s been revolutionary. Before beginning a spiritual practice I was steeped in such crippling self-hatred and shame that I could barely function. My own perception of the world felt like a jail, no worse, like one of those tiny prisoner-of-war cages where the captive can barely turn around or stand upright.

It’s been many years in the making (and greatly accelerated by my practice of A Course in Miracles) but thanks to my relationship with Spirit, I’m finally choosing to look beyond all the cruel stories I’ve told myself about myself, and as a result I’m starting to get a glimmer of the truth about who I really am and what the world is. I feel like I’m just starting to get to know myself without all the vicious propaganda and lies. And you know what? It turns out I’m not so bad after all!

Nouk: There has been an extraordinary shift in relating to my Self. As I allowed the undoing of the false-self to occur, there was a lot more trust in Spirit. Like Carrie, I began by seeing Spirit as a friend perhaps outside me at first. But as trust developed and I willingly allowed old blocks to fall away, a strong sense of inner Wisdom and Presence arose.

Before, my mind and body were perpetually in planning and doing modes. Always thinking ahead, always trying to orchestrate my life (and loved ones), believing that I knew everyone’s best interests. And it took enormous energy to keep up the ‘front’ or façade that enabled me to hide my profusion of vulnerabilities.

As I practiced denying darkness (ego) any ability to hurt me, not giving it any reality regardless of what appeared in my emotions and my world, trust in Spirit advanced. There were strengths within me that I never knew were there; I had abilities to see and to sense things that my ‘self’ could not possibly know. This, I knew, could not be ‘me’ but the Holy Self within.

The transformation from fearful, untrusting, defensive and manipulative to loving, trusting, and free was astounding. But – there was a cost. And that was the willingness to be vulnerable, transparent with self AND with others. Boy that was a tall order because I mistakenly believed that Nouk would be annihilated if she dropped her guard. Funny thing is …yes, there was annihilation however it was the collapse of a humungous BLOCK to Love in my awareness. And a whole new paradigm opened up. Yippee! I could finally trust my Self! And…that deep dark and secret core of unworthiness began to vaporize into thin air.

Carrie: What about you, Eli? How does your relationship with Spirit affect your relationship with yourself?

Nouk: Yes, like Carrie, I’m eager to hear your experience with how your relating with Spirit has affected your relationship with yourself? Come on…bring it on! Lol!

Eli: Trust is probably the big one when it comes to my relationship with Spirit. As I have grown and developed my relationship with Spirit, I have learned to trust myself deeply. I know when something feels right and I know when it doesn’t. I know much more about my limits as an individual and how to open to Spirit’s help. Ahh, there are so many years and so many lessons. This is much of the viaggio I take in my book, A Taste of Grace.

Eli is still here, trying her best in life, but I’m softer all around. The borders of who I am, who you are, and who we are have become less defined. I have noticed, Nouk and Carrie, the way we come together for the trialogues, Our Joining, we encourage our respective relationships with Spirit. This has shown me even more about who I am. Light comes through our interactions. The boundaries between us become hazier. We smile at one another frequently. And our individuality folds ever so serenely into Oneness.

Thank you all for your involvement. It has been my pleasure.

Nouk: Well thanks you two! We really covered some ground, didn’t we? I look forward to our next chapter of discussion…

Carrie: Yes, it’s been wonderful! And I can’t wait to see what we all make of that next topic…

Note to the Reader: Thank you for joining us. We encourage your comments and questions and will try to reply as much as possible in three!

See you next time for our discussion on Commitment.